(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

On August 1st of this year, former Presidential hopeless Al Gore will be launching his new cable TV network, "Current".

I read the press release to try to find out what sort of programming will be shown, but aside from a few disclaimers about being non-partisan, the actual content was only described in the vaguest of terms.

Soooooo... I did a little research and found the original video of the Al Gore news conference that Reuters quoted from. In the extended entry, I've padded out the press release with some of the omitted information:

The channel will show professionally produced segments as well as viewer-produced videos mostly short in length, running from a few seconds to up to 15 minutes.

"You'll get to see professionals such as Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson, along with first time hot amatuers like Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez, Lindsay Lohan, and Jennifer Aniston.

"We are about empowering this generation of young people in their 20s, the 18 to 34 population. Sure, some of these might be barely legal teens, but we'll have affadavits on file to prove that they're at least 18. We want them to engage in a "dialogue of democracy" - or otherwise use their tongues interactively - and to tell their stories about what's going in their lives using the dominant - or submissive, according to individual preference - media of our time," he said.

Viewers will also be able to vote for their favorite videos and get tutorials via the Internet on how to produce their own segments, according to network officials.

"We're starting something new and we're trying to bring about a change in the way the television medium is used," said Gore. "We know it's... *ahem* hard, but we're.... heh... excited about trying."

In addition to the videos, the new network reached a pact with the search firm to include Google's video search service that pulls up still shots from such content providers as Fox News, PBS and the NBA.

"I really like the idea of being able to find still shots," said Gore, "since I know that there are some... climactic moments... in these films that you'll want to spend some extra time looking at."

Gore, who lost the 2000 election in a bitter contest with current President Bush, seemed to have put politics behind him, insisting the channel would not be a liberal pulpit.

"We have no intention of being a Democratic channel, a liberal channel, or a TV version of Air America; that's not what we're all about," he said, referring to the liberal radio network. "I envision 'Current' as having something for everyone. A place where people can set aside their individual differences and... come together... in a spurt... spirit of bipartisanship."

Gore serves as chairman of the board of that channel.

The network said its financial backers included Rob Glaser, chief executive of RealNetworks Inc. makers of the popular internet video viewing software RealPlayer (now featuring slow-motion and frame-by-frame viewing options), and Joel Hyatt, who is chief executive of the network and built a network of legal services clinics, and who will serve as retainer for Current's affidavit files.

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Precision Guided Humor Assignments
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