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April 18, 2005
Frank Advice on Picking the Pope
Selecting the new pope is an important process, so important I wrote a haiku about it: Time for a new pope. Now for precise pope picking, it's best to wait for influence from the Holy Spirit. That may take too long, though, so I bet many cardinals are turning to IMAO for advice, and I won't disappoint. FRANK TIPS FOR PICKING THE POPE * The pope should be as much like Jesus as possible. That means picking someone who is Jewish. * Make sure whomever you select isn't actually a bear in disguise because then he may maul someone and be an embarrassment for the Catholic Church. * Usually you want to select one of the cardinals to be pope, but, if things are taking too long, just open a window and shout, "Hey, kid; you wanna be the pope?" * Though usually this is restricted to nuns, it would be cool if the new pope could fly. Then he could dive bomb heathens. * The pope should probably know the scripture... or at least scanned the parts highlighted in red. * The pope should be well versed in ninjitsu in case Satan's minions attack in the form of ninjas. The pope staff could be a great weapon in the right hands. * You may think you found the right person to be pope, but try to imagine him in a big pointy hat and make sure it’s flattering before finalizing your vote. * Whoever is chosen should be well-versed in pop-culture so he can condemn it more vigorously. * While who can juggle the most vials of holy water at the same time shouldn't be the sole criteria for selecting the pope, it should be considered. * Remember that it's now the norm for the pope to do lots of travel, so make sure who you pick is signed up for frequent flyer miles. * While it's tempting to vote for a cardinal who has a cool, tricked-out car, remember that the pope gets the pope-mobile anyway. Then again, if that cardinal was elected pope, I guess he wouldn't need his cool, tricked-out car anymore… * Make sure who you select will continue the conservative norms of the church. Don't elect Skeeter pope despite all his crazy-cool ideas. * Let's say the minions of hell attack the Vatican in masse. Can you imagine who you are voting for leading the charge against them with holy shotgun in hand? * Make sure to make some progress on voting each day and not just spend the entire time locked up playing X-Box. * In the end, selection of the pope is just a popularity contest. Make sure to vote for the same guy everyone else is so the other cardinals will think you are cool. * If needed, pray to God for a sign to help in selecting the pope. Make sure to ask for a definitive sign like an angel appearing - not just lightning or a dove. It's pope selecting time, God, so let's not be lazy on the miracles. * If all else fails in selecting a new pope, there is always the ancient tradition of the disco dance competition. Now get pope picking! 28 Responses To "Frank Advice on Picking the Pope"
I want to be locked away playing x-box today. #1 - Posted by: dply27 on April 18, 2005 11:06 AMFirst! #2 - Posted by: karanadon137 on April 18, 2005 11:06 AMBlast it!! #3 - Posted by: karanadon137 on April 18, 2005 11:07 AMThe X-Box is really a listening device, sent in by CNN. #4 - Posted by: Laurence Simon on April 18, 2005 11:16 AMThe x-box is the Devil's tool, but if idle hands are the Devil's tool too, then is x-box therefore good? Owie! my head hurts thinking about religious stuff! #5 - Posted by: Connecticut Yankee on April 18, 2005 11:45 AMIs the Pope a bear? Do Catholics live in the woods? #6 - Posted by: Beo on April 18, 2005 12:06 PMConfound it, Frank, there be coworkers about! Stifling laughter is bad for you! ...mebbe I should hold off on IMAO-ing until proper breaktimes. #7 - Posted by: Army NCO Guy on April 18, 2005 12:25 PMHa. I loved the Holy Shotgun thing. That was great. #8 - Posted by: on April 18, 2005 01:08 PMFrank, just make sure the Disco competition disqualifies anyone doing "the robot." This is Disco Only, no Breakdancing Tennessee Law Professors. #10 - Posted by: tommy on April 18, 2005 01:44 PMFrank, you are definitively not qualified to be the Pope, because you are evil. Why do I say this? You should have seen the way my professor was glaring at me a minute ago. This wasn't just a chuckle, this was an outright laugh. How DARE you entertain me? #11 - Posted by: Brian on April 18, 2005 01:57 PMThanks for leaving Lucifer out of this. #12 - Posted by: McWert Deglieb on April 18, 2005 03:39 PM> Ha. I loved the Holy Shotgun thing. That was great. Pfft. The lame Constantine game has it. And it has the crucifixer, too. Can't forget that holy machine gun! BTW: what's an X-box? Is that the heathen version of the Xbox? #13 - Posted by: Francesco Poli on April 18, 2005 03:46 PM"Finda the Pope Ina the Pizza" - Father Guido Sarducci. #14 - Posted by: Cincinnati_Bob on April 18, 2005 04:08 PMThey should pick a Pope that wants to pimp out the Popemobile with hydraulics and spinners and maybe an X-Box in the back, but definitely with a thumpin' stereo. #15 - Posted by: Steve L. on April 18, 2005 04:13 PMJust saw this post on CNN. #16 - Posted by: Gene on April 18, 2005 04:25 PMMcWert, "The pope should probably know the scripture... or at least scanned the parts highlighted in red." - forget that, Frank Reads the Bible gives enough of the important stuff. When will it resume? #18 - Posted by: humanoverlord on April 18, 2005 06:17 PMThere is a comic book out right now (in Colombia) where JP2 comes back to life as a superhero. Mind you, if a comic book of the 1970s claimed that there'd be a Pope destroying evil Russian slave empires with a few speeches, no-one'd believe it. The Cardinal of Paris, Aaron Lustiger, was born Jewish. Cardinal Ratzinger is German but his last name is shared by a number of Jews too (so he's probably mixed). Before them, who was the last Jewish Pope? Clement I? Cletus? #19 - Posted by: David Ross on April 18, 2005 06:33 PMThe Pope is elected by the College of Cardinals, which is similar to our Electoral College. This means if their ballots are too confusing, Pat Buchanan could become Pope. ...And John Kerry can claim voter fraud. #20 - Posted by: Bob in Feenicks on April 18, 2005 07:18 PMI vote Chomps for pope. He would make penance something to be feared. #21 - Posted by: Ikkonoishi on April 18, 2005 08:00 PM"Now for precise pope picking, it's best to wait for influence from the Holy Spirit." Wait a minute... That must mean they're choosing the next Pope while drunk! That is precisely how we could end up with Pope Skeeter I! #22 - Posted by: Bob in Feenicks on April 18, 2005 08:15 PMXBox die now! Frank I am still really curious what you plan to do if the conclave elects a French pope. Seems like that would be quite a conundrum for you... #24 - Posted by: JMK on April 18, 2005 11:59 PMFrank, I'm glad to hear you're no longer plotting with Lucifer to overthrow God. It's a losing proposition even if the Republican Majority hangs in the balance. Get real, people. The Pope voter dudes would be burning their time with Playstation2. #26 - Posted by: Ashley on April 19, 2005 09:02 AMKnow what dress colors highlight your hair, your eyes and your skin tone, and what style lines are most flattering for your body type. Buy your Prom Dresses to fit and flatter your current figure; it wouldn?t be safe to buy a smaller size if you?re still hoping to lose weight by prom night. You want a fit that skims the body with enough ease to move comfortably and gracefully. #27 - Posted by: promnow on April 19, 2005 09:50 AMDon't be a dope...vote for the pope! Did someone order a prom dress? #28 - Posted by: HeatherF on April 19, 2005 09:02 PMPost a comment
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