Woohoo! I’m back.

I’m done with doing taxes. Things got a little “iffy” there at the end. I’m not saying I was desperate for deductions, but if anyone asks, Harvey and Spacemonkey are my dependants.

Okay. So let’s see what’s been happening.

Personally, I was shocked at the latest developments in the Michael Jackson trial. The accuser’s mother took the stand and yelled, 'Michael Jackson has fooled the world."

Then I thought about it long and hard. She might be right. I’ve never really notice it, but now that I stop to think about it – it’s all very clear.

I think Michael Jackson has had some sort of plastic surgery.

Man, he had me fooled. It just looked so natural. I always assumed that as you got older – your face melted.

You know what I thought about the other day? I was watching MJ walk into court. He's got a melted face – he dresses flamboyantly, and he talks funny. I don’t think he’s a child molester. He's a super villain looking for a midget sidekick!!!

MJ: To the laboratory, McCauley! Our plan is almost ready!

MJ: Screw this! Do you have a brother?

President Bush threw out the first pitch for Washington's new baseball team, the Nationals.

He didn't one hop it, but it was a decent throw. Afterwards John Kerry railed on Bush saying, “I could have done much better. He didn’t have a plan!”

The stadium is nice. They have some interesting seating options: Field Level, Plaza, and Protest sections.

Of course, like any protest seating, you want to make sure you sit in a good place. I recommend Bush Lied or if not, try Bush is Hitler. It’s really far to the left, but you’re close to the hot dogs.

The D.C. reporters don't have any experience covering baseball, so they're recycling quotes that they’ve used for President Bush. So the local papers have color commentary such as,

The manager didn't have a plan for winning the game. He should have consulted with his allies.

His mismanagement has led to a decline in his poll numbers.

And

He stole the manager’s position! The real manager should be Al Gore!!

Hahahaha. Al Gore.

Or as they say in West Virginia… AL GORE!!

Did you hear about this? English is now the official language of West Virginia.

This is a great way for organizations to save money. Now Senator Byrd can send out Klan brochures in only one language.

Hee hee. Just kidding. If Byrd wants to send a message, he doesn't need words. He can simply burn a cross on your lawn.

The race for mayor is getting hot here in Los Angeles. Incumbent Mayor Hahn and challenger Antonio Villaraigosa held a debate. Hahn claimed that criminal violence in Los Angeles is down 27% from last year. And that’s just the police.

Villaraigosa is leading in the polls BIG TIME.

Normally in LA, when you see a Latino running that far ahead of a white guy, the police tackle him and beat him with flashlights.

You guys might not know about this. The LAPD is now switching over to a lighter, smaller flashlight after several documented cases where officers used them to bash people!

Don’t get me wrong. They’ll still beat you – but now they have to put more shoulder into it.

Interesting, the flashlights have little slogans on them saying, "Vote for Mayor Hahn."

Elections are so much fun.

They are still working on getting a Pope elected.

The NY Times reports that Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger is the leading candidates.

That is too cool. I loved him on "Cheers."

Ratzinger, eh? Well, far be it for the NYT to be off base when it comes to religious issues.

The Vatican took a lot of precautions in ensuring that no spying took place.

Italian security swept the area and all was clean. So now nobody from the outside world can hear the Cardinals when they look outside their windows and ask, "What's that van doing in the driveway? Is that a diaper service truck?”

So here’s the process on voting for pope. Several times a day, they’ll cast ballots. When somebody gets 2/3rds of the vote, he becomes pope. If this goes on for 12 days, and nobody’s been chosen, then they’ll go to a simple majority vote.

Or as Harry Reid would call it – “The Nuclear Option.”

They’ll signal to the world that the new pope has been chosen by sending out white smoke through the chimney. Hopefully, there won’t be any false alarms like last time when the two Cardinals from Australia were standing at the fireplace, roasting marshmallows.

False alarms always send people into a panic.

U.S. Officials were worried about China and the huge increase of military equipment production. THankfully, upon closer inspection, authorities realized they were NOT products for the Chinese Army – they were for ours.

China recently sponsored the Pig Olympics. In it, pigs compete in events such as running, swimming, and diving. They got the idea from watching the Arkansas pig Olympics. The Chinese event was basically the same. I guess the big difference is that China probably didn’t have a sex scandal.

Or a bathing suit competition.

Or a Clinton apology.

**

That's it.

I can't hear you laugh. So post in comments and let me know what got a giggle out of you.

Do you have an interesting news bit? Email it to me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom.

Thanks for visiting.

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