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April 20, 2005
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:37 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (21)

Catholics are happy with the new Pope, Benedict the XVI, and liberals are hopping mad. They say things like, “Why him?”, and “Nazi” and “Why did they have to choose somebody so religious?”

Now Pope John Paul II kicked butt. The people loved him.


Central Message: Do not be afraid. Life is precious.

Celebrated Mass by: Celebrating Mass

Pro :Delivered the Gospel to the four corners of the earth.

Con: Should have spoken more English

Verdict: A good and faithful servant.


This got me to thinking – WHO WOULD THE LEFT CHOOSE?

Let’s run through the list of candidates.

Papal Candidate: Barbra Streisand

Central Message: People who need people

Celebrates Mass by: Performing at concerts with overpriced tickets.

Pro: Her pro-abortion pro choice platform. Her high standing in the homosexual community. Her ability to look wonderful with appropriate lighting.

Con: Insists that God perform as her opening act. Also, female but you can hardly tell. Some say she’s Jewish, but so was Jesus.

Verdict: Good potential. Could be the first Pope to go Double Platinum.

Papal Candidate:John Kerry

Central Message: I served in Vietnam

Celebrates Mass by: Reminding people that there is a God but that he probably never served in Vietnam.

Pro: Although technically married, as pope, he could always get an annulment and wipe his record clean -like he did with his war record. Pro-choice. Birth control poster child.

Con: Pope Kerry could be the first pope in church history to reverse every single policy in Church history. And then change back again. Also must factor in Swift Boat Catholics for Truth.

Verdict: Help is not on the way.

Papal Candidate: Jesse Jackson

Central Message: Are the cameras on?

Celebrates Mass by: Reading the book of John and rhyming every verse. “In the beginning was the Word, have you heard? Tell a bird.”

Pro: May actually - at one point in his life -have read the Holy Bible. Would bring affirmative action to the Papacy.

Con: The church could afford to support him and his wife. However, there would be the additional burden of supporting his mistress.

Verdict: Good potential. Consider.

Papal Candidate: Bill Clinton

Central Message: How YOU doin’?

Celebrates Mass by: Holding a Passover BBQ Pool Party and chasing interns.

Pro: Loved by liberals everywhere. Pro Choice. Pro Birth Control. Already used to adoring throngs everywhere he goes. Sorority outreach programs.

Con: Neither Bill nor Hillary appear to be Catholic. Also, the Clintons’ deal with Satan might be a conflict of interest.

Verdict: We’d have the first Papal Declaration with a centerfold. We feel his love.

Papal Candidate: Satan

Central Message: Do what you want. Who’s gonna know?

Celebrates Mass by: selling “I had an abortion” t-shirts.

Pro: As a fallen angel, he knows all that religious stuff. He's Pro Choice. He's cool with the gay thing. Heck, if it feels good – just do it.

Con: Deal with Hillary might be a conflict of interest. Tends to hold conventions in very sordid places like Purgatory, Hell and Las Vegas.

Verdict: WINNER!! Hey, what’s not to love?


So there you have it. After having run through all the potential candidates – we finally have one that the Left would truly love and respect.

Remember this when you hear them whine about having a Pope that’s too religious. Hey, Benedict XVI won’t live forever.

Let the campaigning begin!

Rating: 2.5/5 (18 votes cast)

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