SENATOR BIDEN: We'll now bring in the next witness to testify about John Bolton's behavior. Will you please identify yourself.

AGENT JACK BAUER: My name is Jack Bauer, and I work for CTU in Los Angeles.

BIDEN: And you have met with John Bolton before?

BAUER: I have encountered him on numerous occasions. Most were not noteworthy, but one sticks in my mind. I’ll try to describe the events to you as they occurred in real time. I had detained a suspect and was in the middle of breaking his fingers to get information out of him...

SENATORETTE BARBARA BOXER: This was allowed under the Patriot Act?

BAUER: The what?

BIDEN: Never mind; go on.

BAUER: As I was in the middle of questioning the suspect, John Bolton approached me and spoke to me in a very angry manner.

BOXER: Did he raise his voice at you?

BAUER: No, but it was obvious he was angry from... well... his mannerisms.

BIDEN: Such as...

BAUER: Well... he had his hands on his hips. He looked angry.

BIDEN: And what happened next?

BAUER: I just couldn't take it. I was so distraught that I went home and took the rest of the day off, leaving my suspect handcuffed to a radiator.

BOXER: Talking to subordinates in such a way! This is unbelievable! How can we release this loose cannon on the U.N.?

BIDEN: Let's have our next witness. Could you please state your name and occupation, miss.

AGENT SYDNEY BRISTOW: My name is Sydney Bristow. I used to work for SD6, a terrorist organization that I was fooled into believing was part of the CIA. Then I actually worked for the CIA and helped bring down SD6 from the inside. I continued as an agent for the CIA until I woke up in Hong Kong and couldn't remember the past two years. Then...

BIDEN: Excuse me, but we don't need your life story. Suffice to say you are an intelligence agent, and you had encountered John Bolton before.

BRISTOW: Yes, on one occasion. During my career, I have been shot, beaten, betrayed by my own mother, but nothing compares (sobbing) to John Bolton. (continues sobbing)

BOXER: Take your time, but please tell us the story.

BRISTOW: I was tasked to retrieve an artifact in Burma. Things went wrong, though, and the mission was a failure. I retreated to my hotel where I ran into John Bolton in the hallway. He demanded answers from me, and I was not in the mood so I started to walk away. That's when he (sobbing) …when he chased me and... and... threw things at me.

BOXER: Outrageous!

BIDEN: What did he throw?

BRISTOW: I... I... don't quite remember it all. A plastic file folder hit in me in the face... that I'm sure of.

BIDEN: Were you injured?

BRISTOW: I was startled. (sobbing) I can't talk about this anymore...

BOXER: We understand.

BRISTOW: Let's call the next witness. What is your name, sir?

MI6 AGENT JAMES BOND: Bond... James Bond. Agent 007... license to kill. I work for MI6 in London.

BIDEN: And you have often shared intelligence with America?

BOND: Yes, I have many times worked with the Americans.

BIDEN: And one of those times involved John Bolton?

BOND: Correct. I'll never forget that 'stache. We were meeting in a bar to talk about an incident that both our governments were working on, and he offered to get drinks. I asked for a martini... shaken, not stirred. He soon returned with the drinks. Once I took a sip of the martini, it was apparent that it was prepared by... stirring.

BOXER: Unbelievable!

BOND: Now, usually a bartender will prepare a martini by shaking even if you don't ask, so he most likely asked for it to be stirred just to slight me!

BIDEN: If Bolton treats foreign agents in such a manner, how can we expect him to work with the U.N.? So, Mr. Bond, what was the direct result of this? ...Bond? ...Bond? ...Mr. Bond, could you please stop trying to seduce Agent Bristow for a moment and finish describing the incident?

BOND: Oh, yes, certainly. Needless to say, I was unable to finish my drink. My feelings were so hurt by what he had done that I ran to my hotel room, curled up in a fetal position on my bed, and sobbed uncontrollably. Afterwards, I cheered myself up by making love to three beautiful women.

BOXER: Understandable.

BIDEN: Mr. Bolton, do you have a response to any of the atrocities these intelligence agents have detailed?

JOHN BOLTON: @#$% you all and @#$% the U.N. So when do I start?

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