(A Filthy Lie)

After the "there's no steroids in baseball" hearings on Capitol Hill, rumor has it that Bud Selig will be getting sacked as baseball commissioner. Further rumor has it that he will be replaced by someone who has no history of messing with performance enhancers - Glenn Reynolds. If the rumors are true you can probably expect to see the following changes to Major League Baseball (listed in the extended entry):

Aluminum bats will allowed, as long as they're made from recycled aluminum cans previously collected by murdered hobos.

Umpires replaced by lawyers. Disputed calls will be argued before the organ player, with the winner indicated by the playing of "Baby Elephant Walk".

If a hitter is struck with a pitch, he will be allowed to take his base and beat the pitcher with it.

Bunting will be restricted to red, white, and/or blue.

Outfielders will be allowed to use skeet guns, but only on fly balls. For grounders, they must use a niblick.

To prevent player injury, beer will only be sold in plastic bottles, and all grenades must be non-fragmentary.

All hot dogs served in Major League ballparks must contain 100% AKC-registered ingredients.

No smoking will be allowed in any ballpark. Exceptions for spontaneous human combustion will be made on a case-by-case basis.

Players will no longer be allowed to spit tobacco juice. Exceptions for spitting on Jane Fonda will be made on a case-by-case basis.

Standing during the National Anthem will NOT be mandatory, but punching those who remain seated WILL be.

Any player caught using a 6-fingered glove will be referred to Baseball's Minister of Revenge for punishment. "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You caught my line drive. Prepare to die.

Home plate will be shaped like a dodecahedron to celebrate Frank J's ascension to Overlordhood.

Instead of the home team automatically batting second during an inning, the visiting team will now have the option to Roshambo for it. (WARNING: Link contains nuts)

Players will no longer be allowed to yell, "Hey! Look behind you!" before attempting to steal a base.

If the game is tied after 9 innings of regulation play, the team's coaches may choose to decide the game with a battle of wits involving two glasses of wine and a vial of Iocaine powder.

Rule not applicable if one of the coaches is Sicilian.

Any Cubs fan who interferes with a ball in play will no longer be allowed to use the phrase "Just wait 'til next year!".

Remember, folks - ego-salving loser-whines are a privilege, not a right.

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Filthy Lies
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