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I'm RightWingDuck, and I'm here to share the news.

Two reporters were dismissed by their paper for drinking on the job. Really, they were doing an article on drinking on college campuses. They covered the parties. They covered the Beer-Pong tournaments. They didn’t cover that they themselves joined in on the drinking.

Which makes sense. When a reporter covers a baseball game, I expect him to give me the score. I don’t expect him to get an ‘at-bat’.

Editors just know these things. Besides, the reporters left behind too many clues. The bad spelling. The run on sentences. The accurate facts.

These are signs that an editor looks for.

So the guys are sad to be fired – but excited to be in the semifinals of Beer-pong.

Russian President Vladimir Putin is making headlines. He was quoted as saying that the collapse of the Soviet Union was a "genuine tragedy”. This really shocked the people in the audience.

He then went on to discuss other sad tragedies – such as running water, electricity and the discovery of the Polio vaccine.

You know things are bad when you're missing the old day. The days when your power was absolute. The spreading of your message to neighboring states everywhere, the leading of people through false propaganda – the rule with an iron fist. Now you know how the Democrats feel.

Speaking of propaganda…

There’s a new ad blitz dismissing the “hype” over American Obesity.

The ads are sponsored by the US Food and Restaurant industries. The ads are in papers, on the radio and they are even selling t-shirts! In all honesty, the t-shirts aren’t selling very well. Mostly because they only come in “small”.

Could THAT be a factor? I don't know.

Today, they introduced their newest spokesperson – Michael Moore.

In Ohio, a man is suing Arby’s restaurant chain because he found something unexpected in his salad. A piece of skin.Turns out the manager cut his finger while chopping salad. Although he cleaned up the mess – he didn’t toss out the lettuce.

It goes to show you how hard it is in this country to remain a vegetarian.

And how expensive lettuce really is.

Skin in the Salad. Fingertips in the chili? What’s happening to this country?

Maybe I’m just too old fashioned. Really.

I just believe its wrong to exchange body parts DURING dinner.

But that’s just me.

I’m thinking about suing McDonalds. I found something in my Big Mac I had never seen before – MEAT!

In Wisconsin, a man kept his mother’s frozen body in the freezer for several years after she died. This was discovered after a very tense standoff with police.

You really have to read the whole article. According to the story, “he didn't tell anyone because he was afraid police would blame him, according to documents filed in court Monday.

He said his mother years before was attacked by a cat and her blood was on the walls in the house they shared, and he feared police would think he killed her…”

Here’s where I don’t even have to make stuff up.

“He surrendered early Saturday without incident. Investigators found 15 to 20 homemade explosive devices, packed with nails, heavy staples and other metal items, a sawed-off shotgun along with 15 other firearms.”

This is depressing. Not only that he stuffed his dead mother in a freezer – but that real life can be so much funnier than anything I could ever make up.

Criminals get caught when they make stupid mistakes.

Neighbors suspected something was wrong when he kept offering his houseguests “momsicles”

Okay. Enough bad stuff.

Funny stuff.

Who says the department of Homeland Security is good for nothing? Besides everyone.

Just the other day they busted a guy at the Mexican border with over 800 pounds of bologna that he was trying to smuggle in. Illegally.
He had it stuffed in his suitcases.
What made authorities suspicious? His passport had a first name – it was O-S-C-A-R. His passport had a second name it’s M-A-Y-E-R.

I'm also grateful for the fact that someone at Homeland Security realized that suitcases normally don’t weigh 800 pounds.

Unless they have airholes.

What the heck was he going to do with ilegal baloney? Is this how bad the ghetto has gotten?

"Psst. Kid. You buyin'? Whatchu want? Crack? Meth? Baloney?"

Speaking of giving kids the baloney, the Michael Jackson trial took a fun turn today. MJ had one of his lawyers fired. Oxman was the guy who they called the "sleeping lawyer", right? The guy who was sleeping during sessions.

There was a confrontation in the parking lot in full view of the press. Turns out that he had gotten fired before, but he kept coming back to the court house. When asked about being let go he answered, "I suspected I had been fired before - but I simply thought I had been dreaming."

Late last week, one of Michael's security guys testified that he brough him a jar of vaseline in the middle of the night. He testified that Michael had a young boy in his room. This doesn't look good for Michael - mostly because that's the man's job title" "Vaseline man."

Times have been tough for Michael financially. He only has the Umbrella Guy remaining. Four months ago he had to lay off The Watch.

Which explains why he sometimes arrives late.

Oh, and I’d like to end with a bit of good news.

The American military has cleared the soldiers accused of killing that Italian intelligence agent. As you know, the troops fired on an approaching vehicle carrying a rescued hostage – a reporter for a communist newspaper.

Italy may still not be satisfied with the results of the investigation. Our troops visited the Italian envoy to Iraq to deliver the report outlining the results.

In a bit of bad news – our troops accidentally shot him.

**

That's all for today.

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