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April 27, 2005
New Weapons for the Troops
Posted by Harvey at 08:53 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (9)

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

The best part about starting unprovoked wars of aggression in the Middle East - besides getting to steal all that sweet, sweet oil - is that is leads to the development of fun new weaponry. For example, the enchanting and addictive new XM8 Assault Rifle (see the video here, featuring R. Lee Ermey).

Using my secret Pentagon connections, I've discovered more cool things we can expect to see in the near future, and I've listed them in the extended entry:

* The Ray Ray - Blinds the enemy, but gives him song-writing and piano-playing talents as compensation.

* Cat Gas - Incapacitates the enemy by making him cough up hairballs and lick his own butt.

* Field Activated Repulsing Traumatizer - the acronym says it all

* F-bomb - Turns even battle-hardened troops into sniveling Frenchman.

* Works best in conjunction with the White Flag Bomb.

* Model JFK04 Magic CIA Hat of +3 Healing - Turns mortal wounds into non-life-threatening, Band-aidable scratches. Good for up to three uses.

* Twinkie Armor - The golden sponge cake treat is impervious to heat, cold, radiation and bullets. "Silly terrorist! You cannot hurt a Twinkie!"

* Mecha-Streisand - Self-explanatory.

* Sonic Sanity Snapper - Melt terrorist brains with seven sinister song settings: Hamster, Llama, Schnappi, Hung, Numa Numa, Badger, and Petting Zoo.

* WARNING! Petting Zoo is not safe for work and it's use may constitute a violation of the Geneva Convention. Consult an International Law expert before using this setting outside of Abu Ghraib.

* Ballistic Ultralight Lethal Lead Energy Transmitter System - Utilizing the latest in kinetic projectile physics technology, even a single one of these babies is capable of re-arranging a terrorist's innards at distances of up to 1000 yards. These are currently being field tested and are expected to replace the Soggy Paper Impulse Targeted Ballistic Attack Loogey Launching System by as early as 2008.

* WTF Bomb - Propaganda leaflets covered with Democratic Underground posts will make the enemy think he's won the war so he'll quit and go home.

* American Flag - Releases up to 10 megatons of Freedom and Democracy when attached to the side of a 10 megaton nuclear warhead.

* Sorry... NUCULAR warhead.

I'll post more insider info as I get it, assuming they don't kill me first for knowing too much.


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