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May 03, 2005
I Would Not Like My Bride to Run Away
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 12:38 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (31)

 It has been in the news that it is now the habit for some brides to run away come the wedding day. Being someone who will be getting married soon, I do not like this.

"I guess the one I'm most worried about running away - other than the bride - would be the ring bearer."

 Yes, some may point to the advantages of this, such as more cake for the groom. I am not much of a cake person, though, and am quite sure I would have gotten my fill even with the bride in attendance. If, perhaps, the bride and groom were to split jelly beans or gummy bears, then I would see more of a silver lining in the disappearance of the bride. Mainly, though, I only see trouble.

 First off, people at the wedding would wonder where the bride is. Seeing no bride, they might think it's a gay marriage and exclaim, "This is not what I signed up for!" The wedding would most likely be canceled unless I started randomly asking women in the audience if they would marry me. History shows that most likely they would all say, "No." Then, after the wedding is canceled, I'd probably have to go weeks with people constantly asking me, "Where's your bride?" and then I would have to shrug my shoulders and say, "I dunno." It would get quite annoying.

 Now, other members of the wedding could run away and be a hindrance, but still not end the wedding. If the florists ran away, things could still go as planned since I never really cared for flowers. If the caterers ran away, that would be troublesome. While, as I stated, I am not a cake person, I would still like some cake. Also, I assume the wedding will make me and everyone else hungry, and thus we'll all be like, "Where's the food?" That will certainly put a damper on the day, but the wedding will still occur. You might think that if the minister ran away, that would stop the wedding, but I bet we could find another in short notice if we really needed to with the some phone calls or knocking on doors.

 Now, for each guest who runs away, that saves us money. If my parents ran away, that would probably upset me, but, if I could have me dad declared legally dead, I could take his guns. That would be a nice start to the marriage. If my brides parents ran away, that would be awesome because then I wouldn't have to deal with them. Also, when my future wife says, "I would like to go visit my parents," I could just answer, "Sorry. They ran away. Let's go play putt-putt instead."

 If the best man ran away - which would be my brother - I'd probably just shrug my shoulders and say, "That why we call him 'Joe foo'.'" If the maid of honor ran away, I'm not sure how that would affect things since I don't know what she does. The photographer running away could be trouble, but we have plenty of digital cameras.

 I guess the one I'm most worried about running away - other than the bride - would be the ring bearer. Those rings cost money, and I've been wanting to get some bling for a while. Luckily, the ring bearer is usually a little kid, and I could easily out run his small legs and tackle him. I guess I don't care if the flower girl ran away, but, since she's a little girl, everyone would be nagging me until she is found.

 Anyway, while I never cared to much about the details of the wedding and will probably be happy with whatever my bride picks out, my one demand is that she does not run away. That I am quite adamant on.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "Running Away Never Solved Anything, So Try Hiding" and "Apologies to BikerMommy and Spidade".

Rating: 2.3/5 (25 votes cast)

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