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May 03, 2005
I Would Not Like My Bride to Run Away
An Editorial by Frank J.
It has been in the news that it is now the habit for some brides to run away come the wedding day. Being someone who will be getting married soon, I do not like this. "I guess the one I'm most worried about running away - other than the bride - would be the ring bearer." Yes, some may point to the advantages of this, such as more cake for the groom. I am not much of a cake person, though, and am quite sure I would have gotten my fill even with the bride in attendance. If, perhaps, the bride and groom were to split jelly beans or gummy bears, then I would see more of a silver lining in the disappearance of the bride. Mainly, though, I only see trouble. First off, people at the wedding would wonder where the bride is. Seeing no bride, they might think it's a gay marriage and exclaim, "This is not what I signed up for!" The wedding would most likely be canceled unless I started randomly asking women in the audience if they would marry me. History shows that most likely they would all say, "No." Then, after the wedding is canceled, I'd probably have to go weeks with people constantly asking me, "Where's your bride?" and then I would have to shrug my shoulders and say, "I dunno." It would get quite annoying. Now, other members of the wedding could run away and be a hindrance, but still not end the wedding. If the florists ran away, things could still go as planned since I never really cared for flowers. If the caterers ran away, that would be troublesome. While, as I stated, I am not a cake person, I would still like some cake. Also, I assume the wedding will make me and everyone else hungry, and thus we'll all be like, "Where's the food?" That will certainly put a damper on the day, but the wedding will still occur. You might think that if the minister ran away, that would stop the wedding, but I bet we could find another in short notice if we really needed to with the some phone calls or knocking on doors. Now, for each guest who runs away, that saves us money. If my parents ran away, that would probably upset me, but, if I could have me dad declared legally dead, I could take his guns. That would be a nice start to the marriage. If my brides parents ran away, that would be awesome because then I wouldn't have to deal with them. Also, when my future wife says, "I would like to go visit my parents," I could just answer, "Sorry. They ran away. Let's go play putt-putt instead." If the best man ran away - which would be my brother - I'd probably just shrug my shoulders and say, "That why we call him 'Joe foo'.'" If the maid of honor ran away, I'm not sure how that would affect things since I don't know what she does. The photographer running away could be trouble, but we have plenty of digital cameras. I guess the one I'm most worried about running away - other than the bride - would be the ring bearer. Those rings cost money, and I've been wanting to get some bling for a while. Luckily, the ring bearer is usually a little kid, and I could easily out run his small legs and tackle him. I guess I don't care if the flower girl ran away, but, since she's a little girl, everyone would be nagging me until she is found. Anyway, while I never cared to much about the details of the wedding and will probably be happy with whatever my bride picks out, my one demand is that she does not run away. That I am quite adamant on. Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "Running Away Never Solved Anything, So Try Hiding" and "Apologies to BikerMommy and Spidade". First! #1 - Posted by: Ash on May 3, 2005 12:42 PMIf I'm ever first, I promise to not suck. #2 - Posted by: Not an MIT Student... I promise on May 3, 2005 12:45 PMwouldn't want the guests to run away, unless they'd already dropped off their presents and cash. #3 - Posted by: Ash on May 3, 2005 12:46 PMwell it's obvious you're not an MIT student. #4 - Posted by: Ash on May 3, 2005 12:48 PMClick the e-mail link; I dare you. #5 - Posted by: Not an MIT Student... I promise on May 3, 2005 12:51 PMThe maid of honor used to testify that the bride was a virgin. Rich ones had ladies in waiting that would follow the bride around like half her life to make sure. Nowdays they just throw parties with penis shaped cakes. Which is kinda the opposite if you think about it. I'm glad you threw that apology in there at the end. I was getting a little sweaty worrying about their reaction. Way to clean up. #7 - Posted by: jonag on May 3, 2005 02:11 PMNowdays they just throw parties with penis shaped cakes. Which is kinda the opposite if you think about it. Ew. I guess I'm not much of a cake person either. #8 - Posted by: Undercover Hippie on May 3, 2005 02:16 PMMy girlfriend got a penis-shaped cake for her 21st birthday. A foot-long one.My wife made it for her. We're divorced now. It's, umm, a long story. o.O #10 - Posted by: on May 3, 2005 02:53 PMIt's really amazing how quickly the comments section can degenerate at times. #11 - Posted by: Mountain Mama on May 3, 2005 03:00 PMHey if the bride runs away, don't you get first dibs on the maids of honor? Also, isn't the purpose of groomsmen to deter any running away and to fend off the brides family attempting to storm the altar and grab the presents? Also, wouldn't the liquor running away be important? Would be with my family! Just asking... #13 - Posted by: Connecticut Yankee on May 3, 2005 03:43 PMWe played 'Pin the Penis on the Donkey' at my bacherlorette (SP??) party. The girlfriend who threw the party was very artistic and made many different penis' for us to play with. What FUN! (Unfortunately, they were cardboard and therefore 2 dimensional, so it really wasn't THAT much fun, if you know what I mean.) Also, nice cover with that 2nd book title Frank. You was on thiiiin ice there for a minute. Lastly, but most important: LIQUOR must NOT run away or you'll have a LOT of pissed off guests, whether SarahK shows up or not. (Which I'm sure she will.) #14 - Posted by: MargeinMI on May 3, 2005 05:27 PMI don't have to worry about people running away from mine fortunately. Its a military one so the ushers all have swords... any sudden moves to the door and off comes the head! Good thing the ushers are mostly my friends.... #15 - Posted by: TZ on May 3, 2005 05:46 PMLet me come forward and be the first to announce that I am in favor of naked women. I now hope I am not misquoted on that point from this point forward. #16 - Posted by: Tig on May 3, 2005 06:45 PMOnly run away of there's a killer rabbit in the church.
Dave in Texas: What if there are killer or SWAT monkeys in the church? Can FrankJ run away then? #18 - Posted by: Curt on May 3, 2005 08:08 PMFrankJ, Yeah, the bride running away kinda throws a wet blanket on the whole day. Having gone through a church wedding I can tell you that just about anyone else can run away and you won't notice in the grand scheme of things. Bridesmaid(s) - the only meangingful thing our maid of honor did was remind my wife that she had been keeping my ring safely in her bra all day. I didn't really need to know that. Best Man - well it was my dad and even he was unprepared when asked for the ring. He was too busy staring at the ceiling to pay attention to the wedding. Guests - weren't that many of them anyway. Ring Bearer/Flower Girl - My wife's niece and nephew so they were pretty much committed. They hated dressing up and probably wouldn't have gotten far in that garb. Caterers - Local BBQ restaraunt that was just starting. They needed all the business they could get, they weren't going anywhere! Like I said, as long as me, the (now) wife, and the preacher were there, everything else just fades into the background noise. You won't notice anyone other than SarahK and the preacher, or at least that's what you better tell her if she asks! :-) Frank, I don't know why you would worry about sarahk running away. I mean, you HAVE already hired bounty hunters to keep track of her from now until the wedding, right? I know she's not gonna run away...but it would be cool to have hired bounty hunters at your disposal, right? Just not Boba Fett. He always gets outwitted, beaten, or thrown into a man-eating Sarlacc pit when his rocket pack is light-sabred. #20 - Posted by: XSpyder on May 3, 2005 10:51 PMRunaway bride? Heck, just have the marriage ceremony at a track, or better yet, have the whole thing on the run. It'd cut down on fat Cousin Al's consumption of foodstuffs at the reception (cos he'd be on the way to the hospital in an ambulance), and give bride and groom a chance to test each other's stamina by the time they say the "I dos"... Heck, I'm sure you can think of other advantages of a "Runaway Wedding." #21 - Posted by: David on May 3, 2005 11:55 PMRunaway bride? Heck, just have the marriage ceremony at a track, or better yet, have the whole thing on the run. It'd cut down on fat Cousin Al's consumption of foodstuffs at the reception (cos he'd be on the way to the hospital in an ambulance), and give bride and groom a chance to test each other's stamina by the time they say the "I dos"... Heck, I'm sure you can think of other advantages of a "Runaway Wedding." #22 - Posted by: David on May 3, 2005 11:56 PMRunaway bride? Heck, just have the marriage ceremony at a track, or better yet, have the whole thing on the run. It'd cut down on fat Cousin Al's consumption of foodstuffs at the reception (cos he'd be on the way to the hospital in an ambulance), and give bride and groom a chance to test each other's stamina by the time they say the "I dos"... Heck, I'm sure you can think of other advantages of a "Runaway Wedding." #23 - Posted by: David on May 3, 2005 11:57 PMIf the wedding's anything like the comment function on this blog, it's gonna be a loooooong one with lotsa repetition... What's with the triple post of one comment, anyway? Maybe the comments are running away _before_ the wedding... #24 - Posted by: David on May 3, 2005 11:59 PMGood luck tackling little kids. Any rebuttal from SarahK? #25 - Posted by: McWert Deglieb on May 4, 2005 04:29 AMyou have to deal with sarahk's parents because they are definitely NOT running away. especially her mom. and she won't run either because her ring will weigh her down too much. #26 - Posted by: Bikermommy on May 4, 2005 10:12 AMi meant sarahk's ring weighing her down, not her mom's ring...duh. #27 - Posted by: bikermommy on May 4, 2005 10:14 AMCurt, killer or SWAT monkeys? well, pfffuh, yeah. I probably shouldn't have suggested that the killer rabbit was an all-inclusive threat list. Frnak, you see SWAT monkeys, boogie! #28 - Posted by: Dave in Texas on May 4, 2005 10:27 AMFrank J, don't listen to them. If you let a little killer rabbit, or killer SWAT monkeys get in the way of your marriage, you'll never live it down. Besides, it's your wedding, with the attendants being armed to the teeth, and I'm pretty sure you could convince the judge that the Killer SWAT Monkeys were threatening you and all the guests. As for the killer rabbit, I only know of a killer mini-lop. And while you'd only annoy him if you shot him, you could distract him with a few seasons of Baywatch. #29 - Posted by: scribs on May 4, 2005 01:30 PM>Any rebuttal from SarahK? There is no SarahK. The temporal convention guys took care of that. Mu mu mu! (Her evil twin, however, does exist. Beware! Bevare! Pull the strings, pull the strings!) #30 - Posted by: Francesco Poli on May 5, 2005 01:09 AMYour girl also looks mentally stable, something I can't say for that bug eyed chick. She looked rather like a mix between a pomeranian and a human. There is only one way to fix this. Someone needs to walk up to her, cameras live, smack up UPSIDE her head, and say, "Dumbshit, whaddya do that for??" That will satisfy the vaguely nagging feeling of irritation everyone carries from this. Only then will we be whole. #31 - Posted by: Cythen on May 5, 2005 02:15 AMPost a comment
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Stumble It!
An Editorial by Frank J."