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May 04, 2005
Know Thy Enemy: Senator Harry Reid
Posted by Frank J. at 12:02 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (11)

Since Harry Reid is the new minority leader in the Senate, I thought it best we learn something about him. While he seems like quite a boring person on the surface, he's actually even more boring the deeper you dig. Still, I had my crack research team compile all they could find into:


* He was born an hour away from Vegas to a mob family. Lost parents in early childhood when they were murdered at the same time as many other mob bosses. Main suspect for the crime was at the baptism of his niece during the murders, though.

* Grew up in the mining town of Searchlight, Nevada, and, unlike most of his friends, was not drawn into the fast, raucous life of miners which usually ends with them O.D.ing in some hotel room. Instead, Reid suffered only minor brain damage from drugs and went into politics.

* During his early years, Reid made money by setting hobos on fire and racing them on the streets of Las Vegas. This popular betting sport persists to this day with the finish line usually being the fountain in front of Caesar’s.

* Since Reid has never actively fought on the side of the Iraqi insurgents, he's considered a moderate among the Senate Democrats.

* He never been considered moderate in his cocaine consumption.

* While the other Senator in Nevada, Republican John Ensign, is the junior senator, their kung fu is equal.

* Reid has always worked favorably with labor unions since their owners, the mob, helped him that one time he woke up next to a dead hooker.

* Reid is the minority leader in the Senate, which means, if you took 50% of the number of U.S. Senators, he leads less than that many.

* If he were the majority leader, he'd lead more Senators than he does now.

* He'd also be a Republican.

* Reid was picked as minority leader when it was noted that "Reid" and "lead" rhyme.

* To help in his leadership, Reid has placed shock collars on all the Democrats so he can better control them.

* The shock has little effect on Ted Kennedy due to his girth.

* The shock also only makes Howard Dean even angrier.

* While the previous minority leader, Tom Daschle, gave off an aura of a slimy weasel to the press, Reid goes more for the "confused old man who's not sure where he left his pants" look.

* This most prominent legislation Reid authored is a bill modifying Senate decorum such that calling someone "Dirty Harry" is disallowed.

* It was defeated in a 1-99 vote.

* In a fight between Senator Harry Reid and Aquaman, Reid would lead Aquaman into the desert where his powers would be completely useless - as compared to only somewhat useless when Aquaman is near water.

* Reid currently holds the record for most chalupas eaten in a single sitting at Taco Bell.

* If cornered by Harry Reid, don't blow into his face as that will only irritate him. Instead, spray water at him and he should be scared away.

* In addition to plotting how to undermine Bush, he is also plotting the most daring casino robbery ever.

* Expect it to be a made for TV movie coming to a major network near you!

Rating: 2.5/5 (38 votes cast)

Know Thy Enemy
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