(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

A couple weeks ago, a man spit tobacco juice at Jane Fonda during a book signing. As you can imagine, I was quite upset about this, because that's really no way to treat tobacco juice.

So I was thinking... what would I like to see happen at a Jane Fonda book signing that's not quite so abusive towards spit? Since Jane made a name for herself by lying about Vietnam veterans, maybe I should go to her next book signing and sell a book containing:

* Despite the similarity of the name, Jane Fonda is not a tasty cheese sauce for dipping pieces of bread in.

* Like the beaver, Jane Fonda must constantly gnaw down trees, lest her front teeth grow too long and puncture her lower jaw.

* There are no other beaver-related tidbits about Jane Fonda

* Don't even go there.

* Although the word "traitor" is often tossed around lightly when talking about anti-war protestors, in Jane Fonda's case, it should be hurled with great force after being written on a rock.

* In a battle between Aquaman and Jane Fonda, Aquaman would tell lies about Jane and encourage his aquatic friends to spit on her at airports.

* In the 80's, Jane Fonda produced a popular workout tape along with a best-selling diet book, "Puke Yourself Pretty".

* Jane Fonda currently lives in a small house in the woods that's made out of gingerbread, where she survives by cooking and eating lost children.

* Some people say that Jane Fonda only married Ted Turner for his money, but the truth is that she just has a thing for powerful men with cheesy moustaches.

* This may explain all those "secret admirer" notes that John Bolton's been getting lately.

* In 1990, Jane Fonda retired from movie-making because she was weary of assuming human form in public.

* She had modest success writing children's books such as "Green Eggs and Communism" and "Horton Hears a Mao".

* Her groundbreaking work for the advancement of feminism includes being the only woman ever to win a John Kerry Look-Alike award.

* Jane Fonda is the owner of Fonda Farms, a California ranch that raises deformed frogs which are planted in swamps across the country so that crazed hippies can claim Bush's environmental policies are destroying the planet.

* Jane Fonda's current horrific appearance is NOT the result of botched plastic surgery, but rather it was caused by being dropped into a vat of chemicals by Batman.

* During the last election, Jane Fonda missed becoming Pope by 3 votes.

* Apparently some of the Cardinals hated Barbarella because it didn't feature enough pointy hats.

* Other Cardinals were more appreciative of what pointiness it DID offer.

* When listening to a Jane Fonda political speech, do not attempt make sense out of anything she says or operate heavy equipment.

* When carefully considering their respective life stories, it becomes obvious that Jane Fonda is actually the Bizarro World version of Arnold Schwarzeneggar.

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Rating: 3.5/5 (11 votes cast)

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