Hi gang,

This is RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news.

I’m sorry I missed yesterday’s roundup. I was.. um. Um.

Kidnapped by an Hispanic and a white lady.

Jennifer Wilbanks is still in the news. You know, sometimes you get tired of the joke writing, and along comes Jennifer and you find your second wind.

The Hispanic community is upset that Jennifer thought to blame them for her abduction. She owes them an apology. And the police, and the rescue workers, and the volunteers, and the people who donated products and services to the volunteers, and her guests. .and..

You know what? It’s a sad day when the only person NOT clamoring for an apology is Al Sharpton.

And the fiancée.

Yes, the fiancée still wants to have the wedding. Or as he calls it “Best two out of three.”

I’m not saying the guests are distrustful. But I believe it will be the first time they run the bride to the altar on a rail.

It's very sweet. The minister is trying to accomodate the emotional needs of the bride.

We are gathered today to join this man and woman in holy matrimony. The exits are located to their side and to the rear…Next bus leaves in 10 minutes.

In Texas, lawmakers have banned sexy cheerleading. Meaning that the next time you see a high school cheerleading squad –it will have nothing but guys.

In all sincerity, that bumping and grinding was getting out of control. You know you’re going too far when your cheerleaders walk off the field and their shorts of full of dollar bills.

Now, Schools will be constantly watching the games for anything remotely sexual.

Squad: Gimme an "F"

Fans: F!!!

Squad: Gimme a "U"…

Fans: U!!!

State Lawman: I’m sorry ladies. What do you think you were going to spell?

Squad leader: We were going to do our school cheer!

TL: That is horribly inappropriate. That is just not the way you should do things here at Fulton High School.

All cheerleading squads are encouraged to refrain from sexual dancing. Instead, they ask that they motivate the student fans by doing cheers from stuff they learn in school- like math, grammar, and putting condoms on cucumbers.

No bumping. No grinding. And that’s just for the End Zone Celebration.

I'm glad they passed that law. What are we TEACHING our kids!

A school in Elma Washington made the news when a detective came to class for a cooking demonstration. The dish of the day? Meth. That’s right,good old, get addicted, swipe your neighbor’s stereo, until you wind up in the street gutter – meth

There’s even a video of the demonstration!

The police officer gave them all of the basics on how to make it. Parents of course are outraged. Personally, it’s one thing to make drugs. I think he took it too far when he offered to set the kids up with a distributor.

It was like an Amway presentation..

And you recruit two more dealers, and if you do that and they recruit two more, then you’re a manager. Now, bonus money….

I don’t blame the school system though. It was an honest mistake. Typo really. The class curriculum should have said.. This year we will focus on reading, writing, and MATH!!

The school is trying to recover from the bad press. Hopefully, things will get better by next Monday to celebrate Bring some Nyquil to School day.

Paula Abdul was the subject of an ABC American Idol Expose. Former contestant, Corey Clark alleges that he and Paula had an off camera relationship. Corey claimed that she helped him pick out songs, clothes, etc.

The sad part is that nobody CARES what Paula thinks.

She helped him pick songs? I'm sorry – but if she knew how to pick songs she would STILL HAVE A SINGING CAREER!

And clothes?The judges don’t care what the contestants wear. Heck, next week the theme is Sing In a Clown Costume!!

Poor Paula. She has been through so much in her career. Remember when Paula got sued by her backup singer because the backup ended up having her vocals put on the lead – instead of Paula. Hmm.

Personally, I liked Corey. He was a good singer but he had such a high voice… hey wait a minute. Hmm. High voice? Omigosh- Paula wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, She was looking for a ghost singer!!

Lynndi England was in court today. The judge threw out her plea of guilty. This was shocking. Is there something worse than guilty?

That’s when you know you’re in trouble.

Judge: How do you plead?

England: (Looking around, confused) Uh,guilty with a cherry on top?

Bruce Springsteen’s new album will not be played in any of the Starbucks stores.

Aww. True, one of the songs contains lyrics where he talks about hiring a Reno prostitute for anal sex.

Starbucks isn’t concerned about the language. It’s concerned that it might make people start to think!

Customer #1:Hey, did the Boss just sing about anal sex?

Next in line: Hey, we’d do better in Reno!

I guess as long as you THINK you’re getting good coffee, that’s all that matters.

BBC reports that researchers see no valid difference in treating migraine headaches with either real acupuncture or fake acupuncture.

It’s true. They had a group of people get real acupuncture. and another group got needles put into them at random. And – get this – researchers are surprised that the second group got results. They didn't feel the headaches as much!!

Man. I so need to change careers.

RWD: Welcome to the RWD Migraine clinic. How can I help you?

RWD: Exactly. That will be $100 please.

Dr. Duck. Yep, I can see it now. Remember, I accept PayPal.

**

That's all for today. Remember, I can't hear you laugh, so let me know what tickled your funny bone today.

Do you have a funny newsbit to share? Email me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom.

Have fun, fun. fun.

Gimme an "F"

Gimme a "U"

[This post censored for potentially foul language]

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