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May 05, 2005
Slutty Cheerleaders and Terrorism
Posted by Frank J. at 11:35 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (18)

Look at Michelle Malkin and her prudishness. What a sourpuss. We should do what we bloggers do best and digitally lynch her.

How is that done again? Oh yeah, we talk about her on our blogs. I guess I already did that so... uh... Take that Malkin!

Then again, I'm a social conservative myself, and am constantly watching T.V. saying, "I wouldn't want my theoretical kids watching this trash." Thus, maybe I should listen more to Malkin and reevaluate myself.

This brings me to my main topic: slutty cheerleaders.

Now, I briefly touched on this issue yesterday, but I think I should give it more focus. While it doesn't relate to the most important issue we face today - that being "where is my coffee" - it does relate to the second most important issue we face today: terrorism.

"Wait a second!" you're probably yelling at your computer screen, scaring those around you, "How is terrorism so important to you? Who's trying to blow you up?"

Well, no one is trying to blow me up at this moment. Melbourne, Florida, isn't exactly high on the terrorist's target list - it probably doesn't even make the top one hundred. On the other hand, my brother is in Iraq, and every once in a while I get a call where he says, "Man! There are terrorists all around here and they're trying to kill me. Me! Granted, they suck at it, but still!"

And what am I to say to that except, "Well, you should hear about my day!"

"Why? What happened?"

"On the way to my office, I nodded off and walked into a wall."

"Egads! How could such a predicament occur?"

"I didn't have enough coffee!"

"How could you not have enough coffee?"

"I don't where it is!"

"You should know where your coffee is."

"Absolutely! It's the most important issue I face today!"

Anyway, some of you are wondering what do slutty cheerleaders have to do with terrorism. Others of you had completely forgotten I mentioned slutty cheerleaders. You'd be the women. The guys were constantly shouting through that previous sequence, "Get to the slutty cheerleaders!" (this would probably also disturb people around you, but some will just understand that's guys being guys).

So, I had this whole rant about slutty cheerleaders and terrorism, but then I realized I have a very short attention span and, while I can write rants, I'm not much for reading them. But, if I write a rant, I have to read it for proofreading purposes.

"YOU PROOFREAD!" at least one of you just screamed (again, apologies to those around the people reading this - who, inevitably aren't reading this apology).

Yes, I do in fact proofread, though, proofreading something right after you write it inevitability leaves many mistakes still in the text. But, you should see these things before the proofreading; you'd have trouble figuring what language it was written in.

Get to the slutty cheerleaders!

Sorry for the tangents. Anyhoo, I settled on doing an FAQ which works better for my generationís affliction of ADD.


Q. Dear sir, how are slutty cheerleaders and terrorism related?
A. Thank you for asking, Mr. Asker-of-Frequent-Questions. There are a number of relations. For one, Islamic radicals are prudes themselves. They could use it as more of an excuse for attacking us:

"Look at the Americans and their slutty cheerleaders! I am so outraged I will blow them up! Now leave me alone for a moment so I can watch more of these cheerleaders and be... enraged."

Q. Why should we care what terrorists think of how our cheerleaders are dressed? They suck!
A. Valid point. We'll never appease terrorists by trying to not offend their twisted sensibilities. The problem of slutty cheerleaders in relation to terrorism could be much more insidious, though.

Q. Insidious how?
A. Now, I've never read the Koran, seen a Koran, am sure I'm spelling "Koran" correctly, or ever met anyone who had read a Koran, but I still consider myself an authority on the issue since I have a vivid imagination. Now, some have read parts of the Koran to mean that, if they "martyr" themselves, they'll get 72 virgins. Other have read it as 72 raisins. Isn't it just as easy that someone will read it as "72 sluts"? Then sluts will become acceptable to Islamists, and there will be...

Q. Oh, dear!
A. Slutty terrorism! That's right, we'll have terrorist women dressed completely inappropriately - and probably using foul language, too!

"It was horrible! There was an explosion and blood and bodies everywhere! If that wasn't enough to frighten my little girl, you should have seen what the terrorists are wearing! I don't want my child exposed to that!"

"What does (expletive deleted) mean?"

"As soon as we get home, little girl, I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap and get you some trauma counseling!"

Q. So what do we do?
A. First off, we make sure our children don't dress like those cheerleaders in Texas, and...

Q. Sorry to interrupt, but do you have pictures of those cheerleaders?
A. No, not on me.

Q. Rats... Well, carry on.
A. As I was saying, I know I wouldn't want my theoretical daughter of the future wearing such outfits.

ME: I don't care how much being a part of the cheerleading squad means to you; you're not going out in public in such an outfit!

MY THEORETICAL TEENAGE DAUGHTER OF THE FUTURE: Hey, this is what girls my age wear in these days of flying cars, holographic computers, random cybernetic ninja attacks and what not.

ME: I don't care! As your father, I'm putting my foot down on this issue! Someone has to!

DAUGHTER: Well, you are wise and your mere presence does demand respect. Thus, I will obey your wishes. Also, I wouldn't want to affect your chances of being elected Emperor of the Universe.

ME: Yes, we would not want that.

Q. You do have a vivid imagination.
A. Which is why I'm an expert on the Koran.

Q. I believe it's spelled "Qur'an."
A. And I believe I don't give a rat's pinky toe.

Q. Anyway, back to the subject at hand, haven't you just illustrated that slutty cheerleaders is more of a parental issue?
A. No, with it's relation to terrorism, it's a federal issue... perhaps an international one! We must have our cheerleaders dress more modestly or it will spell disaster!

Q. This is starting to seem like some ploy from one of you theocons to force your values on everyone.
A. Have you considered that maybe the "theocons" are right? What if the rapture is coming any day now?

Q. We would be screwed!
A. Quite possibly! But what if God is like, "Well, I was going to judge you all individually, but I never thought there would be so many of you by now with all the plagues and disasters I sent forth - damn medical science - so instead I'm just going to judge countries as a whole. America, you seem pretty cool, so I'm going to send you all to... Wait! What are those cheerleaders in Texas wearing?"

Q. So, slutty cheerleaders might not only mean worse terrorism, but could damn our eternal souls!
A. Exactly!

Q. But isn't it Jesus who does the judging?
A. Hey, which one of us is the Biblical scholar here?

Q. Neither, since it's the same person writing the "questions" and the "answers."
A. Good point.

Q. Of course it is. You made it.
A. I do surprise myself sometimes, though.

Q. Anyway, is there a point to all this?
A. Yes, there is. See, America has been in a moral decline in many areas, with slutty cheerleaders being just one of the symptoms. Remember back during the Nixon presidency when at least political scandals could be discussed with the kids?

Q. No, because neither you nor I were alive then.
A. Well, remember reading about it in U.S. History class?

Q. Sure. Go on.
A. Then, what did we have during the Clinton years? How could you explain that to kids?

CHILD: What did the president do wrong?

DAD: He lied.

CHILD: About what?

DAD: About... uh... adult things.

CHILD: Like things you and mommy would do?

DAD: I wish!

Q. You know, you keep skirting the edge of decency yourself.
A. Stop being such a prude.

Q. Again, you had a point...
A. Yes. America is the strongest nation, and we need a strong nation to stand up to the evils of terrorism. The reason America is so strong is that it's unique for a civilized nation. We have easy access to guns, the death penalty, the combination of liberty, capitalism, and can-do attitude I just like to call the American Spirit, and prudishness. And we need to keep all of those to stay a strong nation. You know what's happening to Europe?

Q. No, what?
A. Those secular, immoral fools are dying out, while radical Muslims are moving in. Eventually, the Muslims will be the majorities there, and, as soon as we solve everything in the Middle East, we'll have to deal with tons of new Islamic theocracies in Europe!

Q. What can we do?
A. Give birth to lots of strong, moral, Christian children to combat those threats of the future.

Q. What if I want to have Jewish children?
A. Well, you can do what you want, and lots of Jesus's best friends were Jewish. It's not my job to convert everyone... though, if you don't accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior, you will burn in eternal hell fire. And you know what the worst thing about eternal hell fire is?

Q. I assume either the burning or the eternalness since there is only two aspects to an eternal hell fire.
A. Well, yeah, the worst part of it is one of those two things.

Q. And I guess you could say the other part is the best part of an eternal hell fire.
A. But still not a good thing! That's an important distinction.

Q. You know, with the Islamists, it's believe what I believe or I'll blow you up. With you Christian fundamentalists, it's believe what I believe or eternal hell fire. Can't we have some more positive talking points?
A. Fine. Let's just say that if we make America a more moral place, we'll all be happier - hell fire or no hell fire.

Q. Can I still watch the new episodes of Family Guy?
A. Hells yeah! I know I am.

Q. Could this FAQ have been more pointless?
A. I consider it more "point obscured" than "pointless." One last question.

Q. Have you been doing drugs?
A. No, but I do feel dizzy.

Be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 2.5/5 (25 votes cast)

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