(A Filthy Lie)
(With apologies to Monty Python)

[a customer walks in the door]

Evil Glenn: Good Morning.

Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the American Flower Emporium!

Evil Glenn: Ah, thank you, my good man.

Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?

Evil Glenn: Well, I was sitting on my throne of blackest ice, filleting a hobo, when a glance at the calendar reminded me of my matriarchal celebratory duties.

Owner: Matriarchal, sir?

Evil Glenn: Maternal.

Owner: Eh?

Evil Glenn: It's almost Mother's Day.

Owner: Ah, Mother's Day!

Evil Glenn: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little blooming flora will do the trick," so, I curtailed my homicidal activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some finely stemmed blossomry!

Owner: Come again?

Evil Glenn: I want to buy some flowers.

(...cont'd in extended entry...)

Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!

Evil Glenn: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

Owner: Sorry?

Evil Glenn: Yo! He be jammin' bad, fo' shizzle!

Owner: So he can go on playing, can he?

Evil Glenn: Most certainly! Now then, some flowers please, my good man.

Owner: Certainly, sir. What would you like?

Evil Glenn: Well, eh, how about some Forget-me-nots.

Owner: I'm afraid we're fresh out of Forget-me-nots, sir.

Evil Glenn: Oh, never mind, how are you on Sunflowers?

Owner: I'm afraid we never have them at the end of the week, sir, we get them fresh on Monday.

Evil Glenn: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four of your sunniest Daffodils, if you please.

Owner: Ah! They've been on order, sir, for two weeks. Were expecting them this morning.

Evil Glenn: 'T's not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Foxglove?

Owner: Sorry, sir.

Evil Glenn: Spider Orchid?

Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

Evil Glenn: Ah. Lady's Slipper?

Owner: Sorry.

Evil Glenn: Lupins? Chrysanthemums?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Any Monkshood, per chance.

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Snapdragons?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Goosefoot?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Scarlet Plume?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Lily of the Valley?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Amaryllis?

Owner: (pause) No.

Evil Glenn: Blue Throatwort?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Eustoma?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Cockscomb, Gillyflower, Love-in-a-mist, Evening Primrose, Statice, Mimosa, Peony, Stonecrop, Montbretia?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Carnations, perhaps?

Owner: Ah! We have Carnations, yessir.

Evil Glenn: (suprised) You do! Excellent.

Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,... They're a bit smelly...

Evil Glenn: Oh, I like them smelly.

Owner: Well,.. They're *very* smelly, actually, sir.

Evil Glenn: No matter. Fetch hither the brightly petalled glory! Mmmwah!

Owner: I...think they're a bit smellier than you'll like them, sir.

Evil Glenn: I don't care how f***ing smelly they are. Hand it over with all speed.

Owner: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)

Evil Glenn: What now?

Owner: The goat's eaten them.

Evil Glenn: (pause) Has he.

Owner: She, sir.

Evil Glenn: (pause) Lavender?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Bee Balm?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Snow on the Mountain?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Painter's Pallette?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Queen Anne's Lace?

Owner: No, sir.

Evil Glenn: You...do *have* some flowers, don't you?

Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a flower shop, sir. We've got--

Evil Glenn: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

Owner: Fair enough.

Evil Glenn: Uuuuuh, Sweet William.

Owner: Yes?

Evil Glenn: Ah, well, I'll have some of those!

Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. William Wensleydale, that's my name.

Evil Glenn: (pause) Sneezeweed?

Owner: Uh, not as such.

Evil Glenn: Uuh, Hyacinth?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Kansas Feather,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Lady's Mantle,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Kangaroo Paw,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: African Corn Lily,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Alpine Thistle,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Chincherinchee?

Owner: Not *today*, sir, no.

Evil Glenn: (pause) Aah, how about Roses?

Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

Evil Glenn: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular flower in the world!

Owner: Not 'round here, sir.

Evil Glenn: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular flower 'round hyah?

Owner: Marigolds, sir.

Evil Glenn: IS it.

Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.

Evil Glenn: Is it.

Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!

Evil Glenn: I see. Uuh...Marigolds, eh?

Owner: Right, sir.

Evil Glenn: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

Owner: I'll have a look, sir........nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Evil Glenn: It's not much of a flower shop, is it?

Owner: Finest in the district!

Evil Glenn: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir!

Evil Glenn: It's certainly uncontaminated by flowers....

Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Daisies, sir.

Evil Glenn: Would it be worth it?

Owner: Could be....

Evil Glenn: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI OFF!

Owner: Told you sir....

Evil Glenn: (slowly) Have you got any Daisies?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:

Owner: Yessir?

Evil Glenn: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any flowers here at all.

Owner: Yes, sir.

Evil Glenn: Really?

(pause)

Owner: No. Not really, sir.

Evil Glenn: You haven't.

Owner: No sir. Not a stem. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

Evil Glenn: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

Owner: Right-Oh, sir.

(Evil Glenn takes out a gun and shoots the owner)

Evil Glenn: What a *senseless* waste of human life.

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Rating: 2.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Filthy Lies
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