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May 11, 2005
The Iran Strategy
(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment) Deep in a secret government Plotting Cave, somewhere beneath the White House, President Bush and Karl Rove map out a strategy for dealing with the increasing nuclear threat from Iran... (see extended entry) BUSH: We could always just nuke the moon like it says on those 100% preshrunk heavyweight cotton T-shirts that Jenna & Barbara are always wearing... ROVE: SILENCE, FOOL! Although great fun, a show of force is not the answer to this puzzle of international intrigue. Look what direct confrontation with North Korea brought us. BUSH: A dictator with poofy hair? ROVE: Precisely. Do you want the Ayatollah's beard to poofify? BUSH: Isn't that a sign of the Apocalypse? ROVE: Yes, and it's hard to steal oil during an apocalypse... all that flaming brimstone falling from the sky tends to ignite it. BUSH: You can't put flaming oil in barrels? ROVE: NO! Flaming oil barrels lead to rampaging giant monkeys, as foretold in the Book of Donkey Kong. BUSH: I could send an Italian plumber to... ROVE: SILENCE, FOOL! What we need to do is to subtly undermine Iran's repressive culture with good old-fashioned American decadence. We can start by having Hotti... er... CONDI Rice visit foreign countries dressed in spike-heeled, knee-high, black leather fetish-boots. BUSH: Way ahead of you... and then we can send Paris Hilton over there to open a video store, and... ROVE [cuffing Bush upside the head]: I said SUBTLE! That step comes later. You mustn't be premature. BUSH: Ya know, Laura says that to me a lot. ROVE: TMI, George... Now... what I'm suggesting for the next step will require that we infiltrate their supply lines in order to import carefully planted American goods into their country. Do you have any trustworthy diplomats who can speak Farsi? BUSH: I've got a protocol 'droid who can speak Bocce... ROVE: It'll have to do. The first thing we'll do is send over Sports Illustrated magazines with a cover article about World Cup Soccer, or whatever froo-froo sport it is that's popular over there. But the inside of the magazine will actually be the Swimsuit Issue. Reading this will make the Iranians connect sports with sex... and this will set them up for... BUSH: Slutty cheerleaders! ROVE: Exactly!... You grow wise in the ways of the Force, young Padawan. BUSH: Texas has LOTS of unemployed slutty cheerleaders. We can use THEM! ROVE: And then we can escalate to the next step... BUSH: Paris Hilton! ROVE [cuffing Bush again]: Control! You must learn control! BUSH: Ya know, Laura says that... ROVE: SILENCE!... The next step is slutty Argentinian cheerleaders. BUSH: WOW! THAT'S not safe for work! ROVE: Precisely. The Iranian nuclear scientists will be unable to concentrate on their work making atomic weapons. Now... as Hotti... BUSH: Condi... ROVE: DOCTOR Rice pointed out, you need aluminum tubes to process uranium to make a bomb. With the scientists distracted, we'll be able to substitute brass tubes for the aluminum ones. BUSH: [pause] I don't get it. ROVE: Our operatives will install the brass tubes from floor to ceiling, which will make them brass poles. And wherever you find brass poles, you'll find... BUSH: STRIPPERS!... Then we send... ROVE: Paris Hilton. Exactly. BUSH: BRILLIANT! ROVE: Yes. Yes it is. Now go forth and do my bidding. BUSH: Yes, my dark master... Hey Condi! Grab your boots! You're going to Iran!... 13 Responses To "The Iran Strategy"
Ich bin 1st! #1 - Posted by: Adam (VRWC member) on May 11, 2005 09:03 PM"ROVE: Yes, and it's hard to steal oil during an apocalypse... all that flaming brimstone falling from the sky tends to ignite it." HA! "BUSH: I've got a protocol 'droid who can speak Bocce..." Sounds a lot like Michael Savage's plan to drop little airline bottles of alcohol and playboys onto the terrorist nations. Kinda like propaganda during WWII. #3 - Posted by: Adam (VRWC member) on May 11, 2005 09:09 PMAdam can my house be declared a terrorist nation? #4 - Posted by: bp on May 11, 2005 09:31 PMpoofify? apocolypse? Nonononono, Playboys and alcohol are the REMEDY to terrorism. #6 - Posted by: Adam (VRWC member) on May 11, 2005 11:10 PMDamn, Harvey. That's some good funny. #7 - Posted by: prolix on May 11, 2005 11:24 PMHey! Poofify is a real word. It means "to become poofy". The other thing is a typo and I apologize for that. #9 - Posted by: Harvey on May 12, 2005 08:29 AMReally good funny! Maybe we should also drop XXX size condoms from Uncle Sam into Iran to give them something to think about... Didn't we do that with the "Nips" during WWII? Looked good in a movie anyway... #10 - Posted by: USS Jimmy Carter "Attack" Submarine on May 12, 2005 09:03 AMI was pondering meaning, not spelling! Nice job, BTW, Harvey. #11 - Posted by: jimmyb on May 12, 2005 11:33 AMYay! Thanks for the link to the Argentinian Cheerleaders, Harvey. Now I can avoid being distracted…
Hee Hee, so that's what Laura meant by that 9 o'clock bedtime. TEEEEJ #13 - Posted by: TJgruffs on May 12, 2005 11:19 PMPost a comment
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