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*IMAO EXCLUSIVE!*

SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THE FOX SHOW 24!! DON'T CLICK "READ MORE" IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS WEEK'S EPISODE! OR NEXT WEEK'S!!

This week on Fox's 24, Audrey was whiny and homely, Jack was a patriot who prioritizes, the Division Guy told Chloe that they didn't have time for her personality disorder, and Chloe told Jack that she was there for him if he ever wanted to talk. To which Jack responded, "beep... boop... beep... boop... thanks."

I have learned what will happen in the last two hours of 24 this season, as I was able to sneak into the editing room and catch a dialog between President Palmer, Jack Bauer, and the rest of the CTU gang...

JACK: Mr. President --
PALMER: Jack, when are you going to start calling me Leroy?
JACK: Mr. President, your name is not Leroy. It's David.
PALMER: Oh.
JACK: Mr. President, I have you on speaker phone. Is that pansy Frenchman around?
PALMER: You mean President Logan?
JACK: You can call him that if you must.
PALMER: He's in the bathroom.
JACK: Good. Mr. President, as you know, the nuke-u-lar warhead acquired by Marwan and his team has been launched.
PALMER: True. It's not coming for Washington, is it? If it is, I'ma hitch a ride to Texas.
JACK: Texas, sir?
PALMER: I like Mexican food.
JACK: It's not headed for Washington. We haven't yet been able to determine its course, but we do know that it is going either north or south.
PALMER: Can you be more specific.
MICHELLE: Mr. President, this is Michelle Dessler.
SP TONY: Mr. President, she means Michelle Almeda.
MICHELLE: I never took your name.
SP TONY: You should have. It's way cooler than Dessler. Dessler, Dessler, Michelle's a wrestler. See? Too easy to make fun of.
MICHELLE: Almeda, Almeda, works for Al Queda.
CHLOE [scowling]: Mrs. Almeda, terrorism is not a laughing matter. I just killed a terrorist. Cap'd him good.
PALMER [clearing throat]: Kids, do you have anything to tell me?
MICHELLE: Yes, Mr. President. The nuclear missile was launched about 23 minutes and [beep... boop... beep... boop] 47 seconds ago. From somewhere not near L.A.
PALMER: Anything I don't know? Chloe?
...
PALMER: Chloe?
JACK: Mr. President, Chloe left the war room to follow up on a lead.
EDGAR: I can give you some information, Mr. President.
PALMER: Go ahead, Mr... Mr...
EDGAR: Edgar Styles, sir... Mr. President, the nuclear reactor meltdown... my mother was in the contaminated zone and committed suicide.
PALMER: I'm terribly sorry. But how does this information help us stop the attack?
EDGAR: Actually, Mr. President, it doesn't. But I haven't even been allowed to go to the bathroom, and my mother died.
PALMER: I'm sorry, Mr. Styles, I'm not following...
JACK: What Edgar is trying to say, Mr. President, is that he's a little unstable.
PALMER: May I speak to someone who is stable?
AUDREY: I uuuuuuuused to be staaaable, siiiiirrrrrrrrr.
PALMER: Who is speaking?
AUDREY: It's meeeeeeee, Audrey Raines, wife of a dead man, daughter of the Secretary of War, mistress of a man who isn't my husband, all-around whiny, homely slut. Oh, and sister of a man we've forgotten all about.
PALMER: Jack? Can you take control of your war room?
CHLOE [busting through the door]: Mr. President, as the only person at CTU, except maybe Jack, who is actually qualified to speak in your presence, I have determined the destination of the nuclear warhead.
JACK: Chloe, is this true?
CHLOE: I wouldn't have said it if it wasn't true, Jack. Sometimes I wonder if maybe your dead wife and now defunct girlfriend affect your ability to work. Oh. Almost forgot your idiot daughter. But you know, if you ever want to talk, sometime when I'm not doing your job and killing terrorists, I'm always here for you. [scowl]
CURTIS: Hi, everyone. Curtis here. I'm one bad man, you don't wanna mess with me.
PALMER: Curtis, what information do you have about the current threat?
CURTIS: None, sir. I just want to note that Chloe is looking fine today, and I love shooting guns.
PALMER: Thank you, Mr... Curtis. Chloe, what can you tell me?
LOGAN [entering room in very effeminate French fashion]: Haaaayyyyy, everybody!! Did I miss anything exciting?
PALMER: The nuclear warhead has been launched. Chloe is just about to tell us the destination.
LOGAN [running away]: Noooo!!! Everyone take cover!! I surrender!!
PALMER: I apologize for that idiot. He served in Vietnam, by the way.
CHLOE: Mr. President, if you don't mind, I have information concerning national security, which I think is more important than whatever you might be talking about.
PALMER: Go ahead, Chloe.
BUCHANAN: Mr. President, before Chloe starts, I just want you to know that I don't serve a whole lot of purpose here.
CHLOE: Good. You're fired.
BUCHANAN: Chloe, I'm your boss. You can't fire me.
CHLOE: Yeah? [pulls out a 1911, chambers a round, points it at Buchanan]
JACK: Chloe, what are you doing?
AUDREY: Yeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhh, what are you dooooooooinnnnngggg? I want my daddy.
BUCHANAN: I see your point. I'll just have a seat.
CHLOE: You do that. And no one else interrupt me! Except maybe Jack, but only because I offered to listen to his woes.
PALMER: Chloe?
CHLOE: Mr. President. The nuclear warhead has been launched on a direct path north.
PALMER: Destination?
CHLOE: Canada.
PALMER: Canada?
SP TONY: Canada?
MICHELLE: Canada?
EDGAR: What's Canada?
BUCHANAN: Canada?
CHLOE: I thought I fired you.
AUDREY: Caaaaaaanadaaaaaa?
CURTIS [bored]: Canada.
JACK: Chloe. Canada?
CHLOE: Yes. Canada. Remember I get a raise when all of this is over.
JACK: Chloe. Are you sure.
CHLOE: Saskatchewan. And I'm always sure.
JACK: Mr. President, thank you for your time. I'm going home, I need a nap.

beep... boop... beep... boop...

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