Hello Ladies and Gentlemen,

I’m RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news.

There was quite a scare in Washington today. A small Cessna airplane violated restricted air space and endedup getting an F-16 escort out of the area. The Secret Service and the police evacuated the White House and nearby buildings.

Man, you haven’t seen that many people scramble out of the White House since the time Hillary unexpectedly came back from her vacation.

The small Cessna had a pilot and a student pilot onboard. They were not charged with anything. Student pilot? There’s a lesson you won’t ever forget!

“Hey, teacher. Why are those fighter jets shooting flares at us?
“Well.. (Long pause) It means there’s an accident up ahead. I have an idea.Why don’t we change course?”

In all of the chaos, security rushed people out of the building. In fact, a couple of officers lifted Nancy Pelosi right out of her shoes.

It got confusing for people afterwards. They came back and saw her shoes out in the middle of the floor. No matter how hard they looked, they couldn't seem to find the yellow brick road.

.

Can’t trust those airplanes, man. Or airlines for that matter.

Did you hear about this one? United Airlines has gotten permission to cancel their employee pension plans. That is so messed up.

United says that they need the cost savings to avoid bankruptcy.

In another money saving move, United asked a judge to approve a new business model. They’d like to ensure that you pay a good price for your airfare, but they’d like to have permission to not have to fly you anywhere.

They believe this can help them further avoid bankruptcy.

The Marines are recalling over 5,000 protective vests that are currently in Iraq. It could be that they may not have the right amount of stopping power.

I’m not saying they were flimsy, but when they whacked one with a rifle, candy spilled out on the ground!

Is it a bad sign when your vest was worn last week by a runway model in Milan.

Or the guy who parked her car.

In other news, the Army and Marines are having trouble meeting their recruitment goals.

As incentives they are offering enlistment prizes. In fact, the Pentagon just got a great deal on some slightly used vests!

What desperation!

Speaking of which, Detroit is desperate for tax revenue. They have a budget shortfall this year of about $300 million. So you know what the mayor is thinking of doing? They are looking at taxing fast food.

Do you really want taxes on your food? If I’m debating ordering a value meal, I’d like to think it’s because of the calories, and not the tax implications.

“Sir, would you like cheese on that Quarter Pounder?”
“Hmmm. I’m not sure I’m in the right tax bracket for that one.”

Oh those silly mayors. On May 9th, the mayor of a little town in Brazil declared it Orgasm day and proclaimed it a day of celebration.

Earlier reports had the date as May 8th, but it turned out they were faking it.

By the way, excellent timing. May 10th is when the Brazilian playoffs begin.

In New York, a Russian man was busted with 1,600 badges from every type of law enforcement agency.

This is truly scary folks. The fake badges were made in Taiwan but they looked just like the real badges made in Taiwan.

Actually, they busted the guy on their second visit. The first visit was a bit embarrassing.

Officer: We’re with the police. (Flips open his badge)
Criminal: So am I! (flips open badge)
Officer: Sorry, Mr. ...Janet Reno? Didn’t mean to bother you.
Criminal: No problem. Hey, if you ever lose your badge, I can get you deal on a new one!

Hee hee. Like anyone could confuse a old Russian guy with Janet Reno. Janet’s taller.

A new transportation report is out showing the longest commutes. Los Angeles placed at the top!! We're number one! We're number one!

Traffic is slow here in LA. You hear all about the freeway shootings around here.. but do you want to know the number one cause of death on the freeways? Old Age!!

That’s the problem with the slow commute. You start off with too many of these teenage drivers and you end the commute with death from natural causes. It’s like driving next to the Baby New Year.

Macauley Culkin was on the stand at the Michael Jackson trial today. He did great testifying on Michael’s behalf. He stated that the whole idea of him being molested as a child “was absolutely ridiculous”. Not even when he was asleep. He says he would have known that.

Many a time he enjoyed sleeping in Michael’s bed.So soft. So comfortable. It was all perfect.

Except for all those weird dreams he had where Diana Ross kept taking off his pants.

Childhood is so sweet. He still has all that money that he found under his pillow from the Underoo Fairy!

I’d like to close out today’s monologue with a bunch of Rolling Stone’s jokes. If you are getting up in your years and are sensitive about it – then keep reading. Getting angry is good, it makes your heart pump...

Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones announced that they will be going on tour one more time. The tour should be very popular and will be called “Save Social Security”.

Just kidding. Mick Jagger is British.

Or should I say, Sir Mick Jagger.

Many people think he’s a knight because the Queen Calls him Sir Mick. That's not true. Even the Queen is respectful of her elders.

Bwuahha.

Some changes in store this tour. There will be about 400 seats on the stage area reserved for Fan Club contests. These contests will be fun.

Remember, you too could win a great prize -Early Bird Dinner and a Show Enter at your local pharmacy.

It will be the first major tour sponosred by Metamucil.

Fans can also win other Stone’s merchandise such as posters, t-shirts, and those little donut chair pillows.

An interesting tidbit, researching the internet I found out that that first Rolling Stones tour actually involved stones as musical instruments.

Sorry, I know they’re an institution – like water. Except water is not that old.

He he. Just kidding.

My family has been big fans of the Stones. I believe my grandma has their first Edison.

Ticket revenue should be in the tens of millions even after you factor in all of the senior discounts.

Buwahahahah. Why yes, I AM evil. Thank you.

**

That's all for today. Remember, I can't hear you laugh. So if some joke in this post made you laugh, let me know which one

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