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May 17, 2005
Newsweek Reports Star Wars Episode III Script Flushed Down Toilet - Widespread Riots Ensue
According to perfectly reliable news magazine Newsweek's anonymous source, pathetic basement-dwelling geeks around the world are pouring into the streets to protest the deliberate flushing of a Star Wars Episode III script. One geeky loser was quoted as saying "To desecrate one copy of the Sacred Script is to desecrate the entire Star Wars mythos! They will pay with blood" Other nerds expressed their outrage by rioting at a nearby Star Trek convention, shouting such slogans as "Star Wars is the one true Space Saga!", "There is no Star but Star Wars!", "Death to Federation Infidels", and "Jedi Akbar!" while pummeling helpless Trekkies with plastic light sabers. George Lucas, speaking from his Millenium-Falcon-shaped mansion in Beverly Hills, declared his outrage over the incident. "My wrath will descend as flame from the Heavens to smite the unbelievers! They will be made to suffer the tortures of insipid CGI characters! I will bring forth Episodes VII, VIII, and IX to roast their stomachs in Hell! "Jar-Jar Returns"! "Bride of Jar-Jar"! "Son of Jar-Jar"! There will be a Jar-Jar Holiday Special starring Harvey Korman and Bea Arthur! Yousa will worships da Jar-Jar!" John Welch, who was accused of doing the flushing in the Newsweek article, responded with a confused look upon hearing the news. "What I said was that Episode III was a turd of a movie and OUGHT to be flushed down the toilet. Man, those dweebs can't get ANYTHING right. No wonder they've never kissed a non-inflatable girl." 31 Responses To "Newsweek Reports Star Wars Episode III Script Flushed Down Toilet - Widespread Riots Ensue"
BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! Oh god, thank you so much! john #1 - Posted by: John C. Welch on May 17, 2005 08:09 AMOh...gotta catch breath...too funny... #3 - Posted by: on May 17, 2005 08:46 AMJohn Welch neither confirmed or denied the incident...it must be the truth about flushing the script. Mr. Welch your jedi mind trick will not work on me. If it's in Newsweek it must be true. Infedels and storm troopers will feel the wrath of the true believers in the force. #4 - Posted by: Phat Tony on May 17, 2005 08:58 AMWe Battlestar Galactica Geeks(tm) just don't get no respect. #5 - Posted by: Egghead on May 17, 2005 09:47 AMIn an article in the Los Angeles Times (my wife wants the subscription, I don’t) this morning about Newsweek sort of retracting their story about flushing the Koran, the guy representing Newsweek actually used the phrase “Koran abuse.” Isn’t it dismaying how OFTEN you have to say, “That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard”? Last year I was trying to figure out why I was supposed to care about alleged abuse of TERRORISTS. Now I’m supposed to care about abusing paper? Now paper has civil rights? Are we sure that most Muslims are nice, normal people? Are we sure this is a real religion? You seem to have a very intimate knowledge of how inflatable-girl kissing dweebs think. Just asking. VIVA LA COCKAROCHA!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!! #7 - Posted by: jimmyb on May 17, 2005 10:23 AMYou're powers are stong Harvey; but you are not a FrankJ yet...
Harvey, I am impressed. I read that headline and just assumed it was FrankJ.
while pummeling helpless Trekkies with plastic light sabers. That's too weird, Veeshir wrote exactly what I was going to write. The only difference was I capitalized THAT'S. *theme from Twilight Zone* #11 - Posted by: Pete on May 17, 2005 11:28 AMIsn't it also clear that this is another one of Karl Rove's conspiracies to discredit newsWEAK? #12 - Posted by: Jack on May 17, 2005 11:39 AMBeing a recovering SW addict and a current Neo-geek (Same interests as regular geeks but not geeky in appearance), I found this hilarious. Two things: 2. If Episode III sucks, there will be a riot, and nothing will save Lucas from nerd-wrath. Actually, I'm hoping an assassination of Jar-Jar will secure Boba Fett's "calling card" of disintegrating his victims. #13 - Posted by: Adam (VRWC Member) on May 17, 2005 11:55 AMIt's a trap! #14 - Posted by: Admiral Ackbar on May 17, 2005 11:56 AMVeeshir and Pete, I once made the mistake of assuming something funny was FrankJ that turned out to be Harvey. I was summarily chastised it Harvey's That is why I am now a cockroach. :( Tread lightly... #15 - Posted by: jimmyb on May 17, 2005 11:59 AMYes, paper can be abused and we demand that all worship the sacred meteorite! #16 - Posted by: lorddarkwater on May 17, 2005 12:03 PMHarvey, I am impressed. I read that headline and just assumed it was FrankJ. DOH!!!! I saw the story posted at the FReep and just assumed it was Frank's work. Well done, Harvey! Jack.
Actually, I'm done trying to be Frank. Now I'm shooting for Scrappleface ;-) #18 - Posted by: Harvey on May 17, 2005 02:59 PMNot even Battlestar can match Babylon 5. Meesa like it!! Meesa want Jar-Jar Cookie Jar! #20 - Posted by: jonag on May 17, 2005 04:30 PMFortunately, once they realized how hard it was to decapitate infidels with plastic light sabers, the rioters quickly disbursed.... #22 - Posted by: Master Shake on May 17, 2005 05:20 PM"No wonder they've never kissed a non-inflatable girl." HAHAHA!!! That's hilarious! #23 - Posted by: karanadon137 on May 17, 2005 06:11 PMOnly it's Marin. Lucas lives in Marin, not Beverly Hills. #24 - Posted by: CalGrad on May 17, 2005 09:18 PMJedi Akbar? How could you miss the Admiral Ackbar reference? /suddenly realizing that she is a grown woman nitpicking details with the SW universe...Aaaah, I am the very nerd they mock! #25 - Posted by: 326-3827 on May 17, 2005 11:00 PM326-3827 - You are quite right. The Admiral Ackbar reference IS a better line. Ever thought about starting your own blog? Women who know who Admiral Ackbar is are VERY popular on the internet. You'd have throngs of admirers in no time. Seriously. Read this: http://badexample.mu.nu/archives/048447.php and head over to Blogger. Drop me a line if you want some help with that - harvolson@gmail.com #26 - Posted by: Harvey on May 18, 2005 08:12 AMFor those of you who wish Lucas were better at exploring the nature of his characters, more particularly Anakin/Darth Vader, I suggest http://darthside.blogspot.com/ Actually, I'm done trying to be Frank. Now I'm shooting for Scrappleface ;-) Ummmm, I think Frank'll be shooting for you after that crack. And Frank uses both hollow point and FMJ ammo when he shoots. #28 - Posted by: Veeshir on May 18, 2005 12:46 PMNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo #29 - Posted by: Neo on May 22, 2005 09:42 PMYou are a dipshit. #30 - Posted by: Johnny Dingo on June 3, 2005 04:16 PMJohnny - Don't forget that I'm also a talentless, unfunny hack who doesn't deserve the privilege of posting at IMAO #31 - Posted by: Harvey on June 6, 2005 12:13 PMPost a comment
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