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I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.

Vive La France!!

The French have rejected the EU constitution. Incredible!

Every citizen could cast a vote for one of two choices: Yes or no. Maybe this caused confusion. After all, their normal ballot choices are: Yes, no, or surrender.

People wonder where Chirac could have gone wrong. How can the man end up with so much egg on his face? Personally, I believe it’s an issue of sincerity: I just don't trust that phony French accent!

Does this spell disaster for the EU? Maybe not. Thankfully, they are united by a mutual geography, a strong sense of history, and a mutual contempt for America.

Heh heh heh.

People are really shocked by this outcome. 53 percent voted “non”. So now the losers are walking around being snotty and rude. Or were those the winners? I lose track.

So France has a lot of work to do if they ever hope to get this EU constitution back on track. They will work all day long – 20 hours a week if the unions let them.

Anyway, the next country is starting to vote, even as you read this. We’ll see what happens in the Netherlands which is internationally known for being slightly less French. At least I’m pretty sure the Netherlands are not in Paris.

Oh. Did you hear the great news?

Paris Hilton has announced that she is engaged to the son of a shipping magnate – whose name is also Paris.

So Paris loves Paris. Hey, don’t I already have that video?

It’s very sweet of her to make this announcement. I know what private person she really is.

Here in California, the Sacrament Assemply approved a measure limiting the size of school textbooks to no more than 200 pages. Nope, I’m not making this up. This explains our new motto: California – where shelf space is plentiful.

Ironically, lawmakers aren’t sure if the law is valid – since the law is 202 pages long. Hmmm.

Viagra is being investigated for causing blindness in some of its users. This has the Viagra community up in arms. How sad to discover new life in your member only to be told it might make you blind. It’s like junior high all over again.

In another announcement, the maker of Viagra, Pfizer, announced that all future prescription will come with a free pair of glasses.

In China, a man imprisoned for 11 years for the murder of his wife was set free. They felt compelled to do so when his wife showed up alive and chatting with people in her village. Turns out that she had run away!

What was THAT conversation like - when they saw each other again?

Wife: So how are you?

Wife: Okay. Not dead. Ha ha. BTW sorry about that.

In Georgia, the runaway bride, was recently indicted for filing a false police report. Jennifer Wilbanks is in treatment right now so her lawyers passed on the news. Word has it that when she heard the news – her eyes got really big.

Poor girl. She has agreed to repay the city about $13,000 for the effort it put forth in trying to find her. I think Jennifer was wrong to fake her kidnapping – personally, I feel she took it to far when she left behind a blood glove.

$13,000!!! Are these city officials crazy? Don't they know this poor girl has a wedding?

Bwu ha ha.

Michael Jackson is rumored to be considering a move. If he is found Not Guilty then he will head off for another country. Someplace relaxing, like France, or Africa, or Thailand.

If he’s found guilty? Well, he’ll be going to Flavor Country. Where he’ll be bought and sold for a packet of Marlboros.

Convict #1: This is Michael Jackson. The price is 10 packs of smokes.

Convict #1: (Introducing Michael to his new beau) Michael, this is Billie Jean – he’ll be your lover.

If MJ walked, do you know who would be the real loser in all of this? The mom. She’s obviously a Grifter, yet not only does molest your kid – he molests him for free!

Oh, well – they'd always have Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.

The good news is that if Michael can be cleared of all charges, he might be getting an offer to play Las Vegas at the new Wynn Hotel and Casino. The bad news is that he needs to learn to ride a unicycle. And juggle.

In Los Angeles, police are using a network of surveillance cameras to try to catch street vendors selling illegal DVD’s. Isn’t that cool?

Having footage of actual busts taking place? Man, I can’t wait until that DVD comes out.

Seriously, copyright piracy cost Hollywood about $3.5 billion in lost revenues. This is horrible. Losses like this could lead to the industry losing jobs – in Thailand.

On some sets, money is so tight - the actors have to get their own coffee!!

So these cameras work. This is so not fair? Where am I going to buy my DVD’s?

I was waiting the new "Paris loves Paris".

Speaking of deep throat, the newspapers were talking about finally uncovering one of the last remaining secrets from the Watergate scandal.

As you know, Watergate was infamous for exposing cover-ups at the highest level. And for making sure that forever after – every single scandal would involve the word gate. Memo gate. Travel gate. Zippergate.

Anyway, it turns out that the top secret informant, “deep throat”, was W. Mark Felt, the number 2 guy in the FBI. He’s 91 years old now. At the age of 91 he's still very happy to have a good number 2.

Some people aren’t buying it though. He also stated that he was the original Green Hornet.

Ah. The Good old days. When anonymous sources were indeed anonymous sources. And not some crap you made up.

I'd like to close with this tidbit.

A judge in Kentucky is catching flak for offering a different alternative to those accused of drug and alcohol charges. Instead of rehab or jail – he offers them a chance to attend church.

Naturally, the ACLU is filing suit – not because of separation of Church and State issuea – they consider church attendance Cruel and Unusual punishment.

So if you’re in Kentucky and in church this Sunday, try not to act surprised when the guy next to you leans over and asks, “So, what are you in for?”

**

That's all.

Remember, I can't hear you laugh. So if something tickled your funnybone, post it in comments.

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