(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

If the Democratic Underground can have little wet dreams about life in 2006 ("GOP Swept from Power in 2006; Impeachment Looms"), figure it's only fair that other people are allowed to indulge.

Like me.

Looking to cause havoc in you detention facility but can't trick your infidel guard into mishandling your holy book? The Jersey City based company "Desecrated Incorporated" has the answer to all five of your daily prayers.

"Although Muslims will riot at the drop of a hat," said Marketing Director Sam Snead, "they prefer a more provocative excuse, like the drop of a Koran. That's why we've created Korans that will give the appearance of being defiled without actually being touched. So when a guard approaches, all the detainee has to do is activate the easily-hidden remote control, and POOF! International incident."

"There are several models to choose from," explained Snead. "Our most popular is the Whoopsie Wayward Walker. It has little mechanical feet that spring out, enabling it to "walk" off a table and onto the floor. For added effect, another touch of the remote will make a kick-dent appear in the book's spine."

"Then there's our "magic ink" models. When activated, "stains" will appear on the pages to simulate either water damage, dirty fingerprints, a coffe-cup ring, or wind-splattered urine. Pretty hard for the guards to talk their way out of it when you have the proof in your non-kafir hand."

"We're looking to add a poo-stain version this summer," continued Snead, "but we're having a little trouble getting the smell right. Scratch & sniff is a tricky medium to work with."

Also in the works is a self-flushing model.

"It's the ultimate convenience" said Snead. "moisture sensors in the cover automatically guide the book directly into the toilet, and a tiny, water-activated motor propels it down the bowl and into the waste pipe."

"Plus the quick-dissolving paper is completely septic-safe!"

Muslims the world over rioted outside stores selling the special Korans, fighting amongst themselves to be the first one on their block to own a copy.

Said one unidentified rioter, "Only twenty bucks for an excuse to riot AND I get to blame the infidels for causing it? Hell, I'm gonna sell my wife and buy a CASE of these things! I love it! ULULULULULULULULU!!!"

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Precision Guided Humor Assignments
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