Now I'm hearing the prisoners at Gitmo are abusing the guards with monkey like feces flinging and constant violent threats. I even have heard from an unnamed source that some prisoners are taking the guards’ Bibles, touching them with their infidel hands, and flushing them (you know, the flushable sized Bibles the Gideons hand out that only has the New Testament). Some prisoners have even stolen guard food supplies, forcing the guards to not eat pork. Not consuming pork is a special blaspheme in the Christian religion and could lead to much duress.

Now, I know you Christian reading this are quite enraged and ready to riot and kill each other, but let's approach this calmly. Let's ask ourselves, "What would Jesus do?"

A. Kill the unbelievers.
B. Body slam a detainee into a folding table.
C. Freak out and knock over tables.
D. Something involving peace and love.
E. C followed by D.

According to the Bible, it's either D or E. Of course, I'm not Jesus and fall quite short of Him, but I have a few suggestions of my own.

FRANK ADVICE ON DEALING WITH UNRULY GITMO DETAINEES

* Have a time our where an unruly detainee has to sit quietly in the corner... while you beat him with a rubber hose.

* Three demerits and a detainee is only allowed to pray towards Mecca four times a day.

* Make them share their prison with their new pets: a rottweiler and a pot-belly pig.

* Force them to listen to you read Harry Potter (they're already doing that one)

* Continued bad behavior will mean a detainee loses his Koran privileges and has to stick to reading his porn.

* If called an "infidel," shout back, "No, you're in the infidel, infidel!" Let's see them respond to that.

* Feces flinging means you get thrown in "the hole." Ever prison should have a place called "the hole." That's just standard.

* My dad's advice: choke them unconscious and handcuff them to a radiator.

* Then turn it on.

* If they thrown urine or other liquids at guards, throw holy water back to scald them (works best if holy water is first boiled).

* Burn them with your lit Cuban cigars. Mmm... Cuban cigars.

* If they won't stop shouting, hose them down with processed pig fat.

* In an extreme circumstance, connect an Amnesty International inspector to a car battery until he starts screaming in pain. Then say threateningly to the detainees, "That could be you."

* Don't forget hugs. People do a lot of wacky, mean things when all they want is a hug from a kafir.

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