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July 08, 2005
The Truth About Frank J.
Posted by Harvey at 10:39 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (9)

(A Filthy Lie)

In honor of his third blogiversary (July 9th), I thought I should promulgate some important information about Frank J.

It's not always pretty, but the readership deserves to know these:


Frank J is actually a demented cyber-demon from another dimension, and his "In My World" posts are reprints from his world's version of the New York Times.

Even though Frank J. professes to like guns, he doesn't actually own any. His only weapon is a pair of fingernail clippers.

These were recently confiscated at the airport, so he is now defenseless. Go punch him.

The real reason that SarahK won the IMAO T-shirt babe contest can be deduced from the fact that Frank J. took that now-famous winning picture with his Crotch-Cam.

Frank J. has been known to use third-rate, spam-infested search engines like Alltheweb.com instead of Google when doing research for his Frank Answers posts. This may explain why a question such as "How many parsecs in a light year?" will receive answers like "V!@GR@"

Frank J. has a web site. People visit, receive immense pleasure, and go away. Yet afterwards, Frank J. still has his web site, which he will use again and again in an attempt to make money. Although this is analagous to what a prostitute does, this does not make Frank J. a whore.

A T-shirt pimp, maybe, but not a whore.

The Peace Gallery picture of Frank J. wielding a katana? Not really him. It's actually a hand-painted miniature left over from his geeky Dungeons & Dragons days, i.e. last week.

Frank J's grandfather, Frank H., was exiled from France in 1939 because - due to a tragic childhood accident - he was unable to raise both arms above his head, thus making him unfit for French citizenship.

Despite Frank J.'s devotion to the Christian faith, God still thinks Scrappleface is funnier.

When he goes to the shooting range, Frank J. always draws chimp ears on the targets and screams "Die, you simian bastard!" between trigger squeezes.

You laugh now, but when the monkey menace invades, you'll be begging for Frank's protection.

Frank J. is NOT happy to see you. That's just a pistol in his pocket.

Or possibly a pair of nail clippers.

When he's not blogging or podcasting, Frank J. is secretly buying black-market fissionable materials and missile technology from former Soviet-bloc countries. That moon ain't gonna nuke itself, ya know.

In a battle between Frank J. and Aquaman, Frank J. would hold a flounder hostage and threaten it with a Popeil Pocket Fisherman while he made good his escape.

In a battle between Frank J. and Hurricane Dennis, Frank would defeat the blustery winds of doom with his mighty katana and fierce battle cry of "I am the great Frank J.! Worship me!"

Which he'd say twice.

I hope this clears up some of the mystery surrounding the legend that is Frank J.

Happy Blogiversary, Ronin.


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