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July 27, 2005
Find Out How Deep the Rabbit Hole Goes
Posted by Frank J. at 12:21 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (6)

Though many people are talking about the Valerie Plame controversy, most still don't understand what it is about. Thus, as a public service, I thought I'd do the research and inform everyone in an easy to read FAQ targeted at those with short attention spans.

Only problem is I have a short attention span and this stuff is boring!

So, I may have embellished things to make it more interesting... or just made everything up. Anyhoo, here is...


Q. Who is Valerie Plame?
A. A super secret agent who is our main weapon in the war on terror. She's been genetically and cybernetically enhanced to have inhuman reflexes and strength, making her a one woman army.

Q. And she posed recently in Vanity Fair?
A. And she posed recently in Vanity Fair.

Q. Who is Joe Wilson?
A. Genius detective who tricked the Bush Administration into sending him to Niger so he could uncover their insidious plot.

Q. What plot?
A. Everything about the "yellow-cake" was merely a distraction. In Niger, he found a meeting of the heads of the rubber industry and the true reason for the war in Iraq.

Q. The true reason?
A. The war was all done to increase protests and thus the sale of rubber bullets, further enriching the rubber conglomerates.

Q. Why hasn't Joe Wilson mentioned this?
A. Because he knew this was just the tip of the iceberg and didn't want to show his hand before he uncovered the whole story. Unfortunately, Karl Rove decided to put an end to this.

Q. By leaking the name of Joe Wilson's wife? I don't get?
A. Joe Wilson was untouchable while his super-agent wife was still alive. He needed to have her taken care of before he could discredit Joe Wilson. Thus he conspired with Robert Novak to reveal Valerie Plame while she was in the middle of a mission so she would be ambushed.

Q. I thought Rove talked to Matt Cooper.
A. Another distraction! Expect him to be found floating face-down in a river sometime soon.

Q. Which river?
A. Inconsequential!

Q. But you're sure it will be a river and not a lake or some other body of water?
A. My sources say river.

Q. I assume the plan failed since Valerie Plame is still alive.
A. Correct! They underestimated her - one of the few times Karl Rove has ever been wrong - and she successfully shot her way out after her cover was blown, killing 53 men and one cat.

Q. Was the cat evil?
A. Of course! All cats are evil.

Q. Then did Joe Wilson continue on to find the full truth?
A. Yes, and he put it in his book The Politics of Truth.

Q. But that book seemed to be full on inane blather.
A. Fool! Of course it appeared to be that, because the real message was hidden in code in the text. The full conspiracy is revealed between the lines.

Q. The conspiracy in which the tip is the rubber industry? Seems like there is a joke there...
A. Shut up! Why would the Bush administration, led by Karl Rove, want to enrich the rubber conglomerates?

Q. Discounts on tires?
A. No! While we use rubber to build things, isn't possible that some other species - perhaps ones from another dimension - might use it for sustenance?

Q. So we're talking about an alien conspiracy?
A. Exactly!

Q. A rubber-eating alien conspiracy?
A. Precisely! The Bush administration is paving the way for the takeover of planet earth by aliens from another dimension… who eat rubber!

Q. But why?
A. The alien warlords will keep Bush and his cronies as puppet rulers, making them the human face of the invasion. They shall prosper while we suffer!

Q. Just like in Half Life 2?
A. That game was so cool!

Q. Yes it was! So is Karl Rove is reality one of these rubber eating aliens?
A. The true nature of Rove will probably never be known.

Q. Is there anything we can do?
A. Nothing! We are doomed! So, in essence, there is no reason to talk anymore about this topic and instead we should focus entirely on other political issues.

Rating: 2.7/5 (22 votes cast)

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