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July 28, 2005
The News Round-Up, Thursday
NASA today confirmed that a piece of insulation fell of during the launch of space shuttle Discovery. Man. Millions of dollars per launch and they can’t keep it from falling apart.
In Utah, a bunch of guys bought a billboard to help their buddy get more dates. True story. The guy is 31, a Harvard MBA, and – as required by Utah law – a Mormon. So his buddies buy some billboard space which asks women to date this guy. You know what I'd like to see? Lance: Hey, you guys bought me a billboard? You guys are the greatest. Guys: Sure thing, man. You deserve the best. Lance: Guys, how come only half a billboard? Not to be ungrateful but why do I share space with an ad for Levitra? Guys: Sorry, it was either that or Coca Cola. You know what would be cool? To see a bunch of women buy a nearby billboard saying, “Buzz off” or “Nah, I’m not interested.” Speaking of which, we need a Shut Up Alec billboard.
Baldwin reasoned that "if the largest, most economically significant state in America could elect a man who is totally unqualified for the job, then they can elect anyone." Which would be true, except that even by those standards Alec is still under qualified. What does Arnold have that Alec doesn’t have? Besides successful films? Hey ALEC! If I want to know what Kim Bassinger looks like naked – I’ll COME TO YOU! Either that – or rent 9 ½ weeks. Why do actors think they can be governor just because an actor like Arnold did it? Are there guys out there with one testicle thinking, “Hey, I could win the Tour de France.”? Oh, yeah. Lance Armstrong won his 7th Tour the France. I wish I had more jokes on the Armstrong victory. Really, I don’t follow bicycling. I don’t know much about it. Do they put baseball cards on their spokes? All I know is that it’s the one time people aren’t cursing at riders for not following the traffic laws. But congratulations to Lance who won the coveted Yellow Jersey. Yellow being France’s national color. Too bad, if Lance had served in the French military he’d have a pair of matching pants. In Russia, the country’s biggest spammer was found brutally murdered. I hope they catch the guy who did it so he can get what he really deserves – like champagne, or flowers, or chocolate. They should give the eulogy the way that he would want it.. "We are here to remember the life of Vardan Kushnir. And while we think about life think about saving over 20% on life insurance from Zurich Direct. No interest. Click here. Gotcha, I’m not going away." How do you bury a spammer? With lots of unwanted junkmail. But you might say, “Ducky, he’ll never get rid of it. He’ll be stuck with that crap forever.” Hmmm. You mean LIKE SPAM?
Ancient languages? THIS is how you make cheap films, people. You mess up a line? Who’s gonna know? Actor: “Abuya lana lana kai haba haba kui. Oh, I’m sorry. We'll have to re-shoot. I messed that up. I should have said haba haba koli.” Mel Gibson: “Eh- @#$% it.” I would like to officially announce that my next post will be done in wingding. Coming soon! Speaking of wingdings -representative Tom Tancredo is coming under fire for his http://msnbc.msn.com/id/8703595/">recent statements. During an interview, he stated that America should respond to any nuclear attack on our land by nuking Mecca!! Now, people are screaming for an apology. Bombing Holy Sites is wrong people. Just plain wrong. Holy sites should be used for their intended purpose – weapons storage. ** Enjoy your day. 19 Responses To "The News Round-Up, Thursday"
FIRST!
Ducky, I expect that from the commenters, not the posters. Could we please clean it up? This is really a good one. You can visit my site at the link below. #3 - Posted by: Paul on July 28, 2005 10:02 AMI dont believe Tancredo actually said we should "nuke" Mecca... Hippie, Bad Ducky! Bad, but funny, Ducky! (to be technical, I think you're allowed one f-word and can still hold a PG-13 rating... but that's movies, not IMAO) #5 - Posted by: Frank J. on July 28, 2005 10:14 AMBaldwin reasoned that "if the largest, most economically significant state in America could elect a man who is totally unqualified for the job, then they can elect anyone." Yes, but fortunately they recalled Gray Davis. Now if only they'd do the same for Dianne Feinstein and Barbara Boxer. I wish I had more jokes on the Armstrong victory.
Is there bad news for Lance Armstrong? French officials say he could be stripped of his Tour de France title. During a random check for banned substances, three substances were found in Armstrong's hotel that are strictly banned by French authories: Deodorant, toothpaste, and soap. #7 - Posted by: Nobody Important on July 28, 2005 10:45 AMOn Actors wasn't Clint Eastwood a mayor at one time? Yes, of Carmel-by-the-Sea. According to about.com, in 1986 Eastwood wanted to build a small building in downtown Carmel. His efforts were stymied by the town's bureaucratic government and he decided to do something about it. He ran for mayor, winning with 72% of the vote. During his two-year tenure, he successfully made it easier to build or remodel property, got a tourist parking lot built, rescued the historic Mission Ranch from developers and opened a children's annex to the city library. Shortly after the bombing of Libya in 1986, comedian Sam Kinison said something like "It's a great time for America. Ronald Reagan is president, and Clint Eastwood has his own police force." #8 - Posted by: Nobody Important on July 28, 2005 10:51 AMWhat does Arnold have that Alec doesn’t have? Besides successful films? Common sense? In addition to being an actor, Arnold was actually a successful businessman, too. Read the column by Arnold in the September 23, 2003 Wall Street Journal at http://www.opinionjournal.com/editorial/feature.html?id=110004058 I have often said that the two people who have most profoundly impacted my thinking on economics are Milton Friedman and Adam Smith. At Christmas I sometimes annoy some of my more liberal Hollywood friends by sending them a gift of Mr. Friedman's classic economic primer, "Free to Choose." What I learned from Messrs. Friedman and Smith is a lesson that every political leader should never forget: that when the heavy fist of government becomes too overbearing and intrusive, it stifles the unlimited wealth creation process of a free people operating under a free enterprise system..... ...And perhaps worst of all our governor, Gray Davis, has created a counterproductive culture in Sacramento where businesses and entrepreneurs that dare make a profit are treated as if they are enemies of the state. Mr. Davis says he wants jobs, but he has done everything possible to chase away job creators.... ...It was not always like this in the Golden State. When I moved to California, as a penniless immigrant from Austria with a pretty rough time of it speaking English, this state was the promised land for anyone who wanted to work hard to get ahead in life. My own dreams fortunately came true in this great state. I became Mr. Universe; I became a successful businessman. And even though some people say I still speak with a slight accent, I have reached the top of the acting profession. (I shouldn't advertise that too loudly or Gov. Davis will probably try to raise my taxes again.)... I wish I had more jokes on the Armstrong victory. France surrendered to Lance Armstrong as he rode into Paris... #10 - Posted by: Nobody Important on July 28, 2005 11:02 AMWill Baldwin threaten to leave the country if not elected? Count on it. Will he leave either way? Forget it. #11 - Posted by: spacemonkey on July 28, 2005 11:06 AMNope. Stand by the F word. In that context it was the only thing that was funny. Eh, whatever? eh, screw it? Eh, fuck it? Yep. Sorry to offend delicate ears. Come back tomorrow, I'll be sure to offend with ideas. #12 - Posted by: RightWingDuck on July 28, 2005 11:06 AMThe good news is that there won't be more than two additional shuttle crashes, tops. #13 - Posted by: Clay Sills on July 28, 2005 11:28 AMI'd give my left nut to win the Tour de France #14 - Posted by: ford4x4 on July 28, 2005 12:04 PMThey have a thing for trucks in the Baja 500 - you see this heavy duty beautiful 4WD truck with a sticker on it that says "It only has to last 500 miles". Shuttle external tanks have to last about 10 minutes, but they do it with near absolute zero temperatures on the inside, supersonic atmospheric friction on the outside, and shaking like Barbara Boxer in church the whole time. That, and you basically have a beautifully crafted aluminum structure on the inside with spray on foam on the outside. You'd think they'd put a spiral wind of fiberglass tape on the thing, but Noooo... Weight is a big issue with anything that huge. They stopped painting them because it weighed like 800 pounds, and that comes straight off payload. Arnold learned English at 21 and was a millionaire by 24. I have yet to meet a lefty who could pull that off without marrying into it. Weapons storage - of everyone commenting on this story, Ducky - YOU and ONLY you finally NAILED it!!!! Alec is right. Running a string of your own successful businesses and proving yourself to be a great manager makes you unqualified for politics. No wonder libs are so bad at it. #16 - Posted by: Pluto's Dad on July 28, 2005 01:45 PMIf you bury a spammer, do you have problems with pop-ups? #17 - Posted by: RMS on July 28, 2005 02:14 PMThe shuttle has been grounded indefinately. Turns out after 2.5 years they still couldn't get the kinds out of it. Doh! #18 - Posted by: PK on July 28, 2005 02:25 PMHigh standards, Frank! That's what I love about you! #19 - Posted by: Undercover Hippie on July 29, 2005 03:06 PMPost a comment
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