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August 05, 2005
Ask Ducky - the Answers
RightWingDuck here. When I first started writing at this blog - I felt that this website had the most amazing readers.
I miss those people.
Anyway, I'm here to provide my wisdom and guidance to you. So without further delay, here are my answers to the questions that are burning a hole in your psycho. If you don't see your question below, it means it got scooped up for the podcast version.
Since hippie stench is potent enough to remove paint from automobiles, is there a way to process and purify it to be used as an alternative fuel source?
Posted by hatless in hattiesburg
Are we talking about hippie stench or automotive paint? If you're talking about hippie stench, the answer is no. Hippie stench is actually on the periodic table of elements. Or at least it appears periodically. Paint is a different issue. You could use it as fuel - a good batch of paint fumes can keep me going for days.
Why do liberals get excited when they almost win?
Posted by spacemonkey
Like Hollywood stars, Democrats lose elections, but they were honored just to be nominated.
Why do i miespel so manee wurds?
Posted by spacemonkey at August 4, 2005 11:36 AM
Im not shoor wat y ou meen. aks again please.
With Steve Forbes going to and fro doing interviews for his new book (Flat Tax Revolution) what do you think the IRS will do to save itself from it's eventual demise if the flat tax is implemented?
Posted by Laura
Remember this formula.
What is your income?
What is x% of that income?
Please pay y$ in taxes. Kindly fill out forms 1010-40R unless your income exceeded A dollars. In which case you must fill out form 1020-40R. If no such form is available please submit...
Do you get the picture. You think that because taxes are simple that paying taxes would be simple too.
I've been inspired by Jane Fonda's vegetable oil-powered vehicle. I'm going to use vegetable oil the next time that I change the oil in my 1998 Corolla. Is there one that you recommend? Corn? Soybean? Canola? Spumoni? One of those oils that they use at the massage parlor?
Posted by Silicon Valley Jim
Jim, this is the stuff I live for. Making a difference and destroying someone's car.
I mean - the making a difference thing. First, your car is 7 years old which is 41 in car years (calculated by using tax form 1010-40R). That means that choosing the wrong oil can clog your cars tubes and strand you somewhere.
I would recommend using canola oil, which is good for cars and fried chicken. Hmmm. Fried chicken.
Every notice how in the middle ages the Middle East was much more advanced than the West but no longer isn't? Is this related to how often we bomb them back to the stone age?
Posted by Trendy
Trendy, I decided to do some research on this topic. Two beers later I still couldn't make anything up. So let me share this with you. France has started most of the wars in history. They can't help it. There's something about their snoooty stinky attitude that just makes you want to invade them and hose them down.
As far as the stone age thing goes – being a backwards stone age society does have its advantages – it keeps the French from coming as tourists.
Posted by Brian
You speak with the wisdom beyond your many beers.
Interesting. KFC kills their animals so they can cook them and sell them. PETA kills their animals for – uh. Er. Um.
I think KFC should storm the PETA offices and set them on fire. Of course, I would recommend using clean burning biodiesel.
Motorcycles have keys? Why? Does that keep them from getting stolen?
Criminal #1: Back up the truck, man. I want to steal this motorcycle.
Criminal #2: Coming.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Criminal: Oh, man. There’s no keys!!!
Criminal # 2: Golly. Let’s go get ice cream.
What’s up with those hybrid and electric cards that cover the rear wheels? And are the covers bullet proof to prevent SUV drivers from shooting the tires out? Oh, that was two questions—am I allowed two questions? Err… make that three.
Posted by Pete
Look. The cars are just like their owners. So that means we either partially cover the wheel wells or we have to look at automotive armpit hair.
Did FrankJ do something to keep Harvey from striking at his home in Florida, or did Harvey wimp out and decide not to challenge FrankJ on his home turf? Is this a sign the power struggle at IMAO has subsided?
Posted by Dr. Phat Tony
I was too lazy to click the links. Are you talking about the hurricane or a real attack on Frank J. In either case – I’m sure Frank J. would spend his time hiding in a dark closet eating chunky peanut butter.
Posted by xtremerightwing
Hybrid cars are heavily customized for their owners. So you pull the Door Open Thing, sit on the Sit Thing, and step on the Go Pedal. There’s a Stop Pedal, and a Pretty Me Mirror. Many hybrids come with extra large Appeasement is Patriotic bumper stickers.
He he. Just kidding. Personally, I have nothing against hybrids. If a regular car and an electric car love each other – I think that’s all that really matters.
What country can we invade for their oil? Iraq doesn't seem to be working out. In fact, gas prices seem to have gone UP.
Posted by Alucard
First, there’s nothing we can do to keep prices from going up. The Prince dies? Gas prices go up. Michael Jackson moves to Bahrain? Gas prices go up!
However, there’s still a good selection of countries to invade. I say, invade Mexico and take their modest supply of oil. Now, most American’s would not support this kind of war, but that’s okay. Because instead of recruiting kids out of high school, we could recruit illegals and use them to invade the Mexican oil fields.
Wouldn’t THAT be ironic?
Mexican President. Why are these people - our people - invading our country?
Assistant: Sir, they’re just trying to feed their families.
Posted by Tennessee Budd
Hee hee. It does when you speak Arabic with a Tennessee accent. hee hee. BTW, this segment is no longer called Dr. Duck. Because when they say it in Tennessee it sounds pornographic.
If Hitlery er I mean Hillary were to take a contract out on Hanoi John while he was riding a donkey, would the rumor be:
An ass wants the ass assassinated on his ass?
Posted by Ricky at August 4, 2005 06:47 PM
That seems accurate. Or as my Magic 8 Ball would say: “You bet your ass!”
Dear Dr. Duck,
What fuel do you see used twenty years form now? How about fifty? Also, will we ever have cold fusion cars?
Posted by German-American Matt
Hmmm. Based on our history and our advancement of technology at an amazing pace. Factoring in our ability to change and adapt. Adjusting for growth cycles and trends – I guess the fuel of the future to be – oil.
We might have cold fusion cars. But they’d probably drive around with the Check Engine light on.
What's the square root of two?
Posted by Dirkwood at August 4, 2005 07:13 PM
Of two what? People? Animals? See, this is why I don’t like math questions.
Posted by SkyeChild
Yes, but upon their return the space film footage would show how the astronauts spent their time setting things on fire and killing poor space babies.
Posted by Coleman
Little known fact. During WWII, the Germans tried this with the surrendering French troops – there were simply so many of them they didn’t know what to do. Sadly, they hit upon the same technical difficulty we would face today – too oily and too smelly.
How come my Prof. Stephen Hawking post wasn't in the Carnival of Comedy, when the time stamp on the submission was 11:44pm and the deadline was midnight? Do you hate disabled people?
Posted by a4g
I’m sorry, a4g, I didn’t know you were disabled. We’ll allow for more time next week. Especially since I’m not hosting it.
Now that the price of oil has finally gotten up there where only us wealthy American's can afford it. Would I impress my friends if I started mixing drinks with Light Sweet Brent Crude?
Posted by Ron Rockstar
Yes. And serve it in cups made of solid gold. Remember, excess is good. Bwu ha ha.
Posted by SeanS
Right now the Moose – or as they like to be called The Native Moose Americans – are still caught up in a messy lawsuit. We’ll probably be able to drill on their land – but we’ll have to give them the right to open casinos.
So, Ducky, does buying a Toyota Prius (or Honda Insite) make a man homosexual or do the homosexuals natuarally gravitate to such wimpy, girlish vehicles?
Posted by shane
Your argument is what is referred to as a Ad Village People-im attack.
Philosophically speaking, there are a few very specific acts that makes a man a homosexual – and buying a car ain’t one of ‘em.
So if you’re a guy and you’ve been debating buying a Toyota Prius or Honda Incite – well – just go out there and buy it!!
Well, that’s all for this week. I’m so glad I was able to pass on my bits of wisdom to you. It is my goal that reading this weekly column will either make you a bit smarter – or a few minutes older.
I think I’ve done well.
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