(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

A lot of people have been asking "why hasn't the MSM picked up on the Air America scandal?".

Well, it turns out that it's because the execs at Air America have been sitting on a bunch of stories that are - shall we say - "less than flattering" about the other major news outlets, and threatened to go public with them if the big boys cracked the story.

Through various nefarious means, I've discovered what those hidden scandals are:

Ted Koppel was videotaped at Peter Jennings' funeral rifling the corpse's pockets looking for spare change to support his vicious crack habit.

Since the 2004 elections, Dan Rather has spent millions of dollars of CBS's money buying vintage typewriters on eBay.

The ink used to print Newsweek is manufactured in Honduran sweatshops and its main ingredient is the blood of orphans.

Elvis has been working in the mailroom at NBC since 1977.

Almost a year beforehand, members of the Associated Press CLEARLY knew that September 11th was coming. It was on all their calendars, just sitting there next to September 10th.

Wolf Blitzer, booze, a can of Crisco, and a video camera. 'Nuff said.

All the major networks accepted serious payola from Lyndie England to keep showing those Abu Ghraib photos, which did wonders for her "internet dominatrix" business, which - coincidentally - is owned by Time-Warner.

Speaking of ownership, you may have already guessed that greedy corporate sports network ESPN owns 'RoidCo, which makes steroids in Honduran sweatshops out of orphan-blood.

Oh, and Robert Novak had sex with Tom Cruise, but hey - who hasn't?

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Precision Guided Humor Assignments
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