The version on the IMAO podcast (#11) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears in the extended entry...

This week, grab your lei because we're going to Hawaii, so let's get started...

Hawaii became the 50th state on August 21st 1959, and is the only state in the US made up entirely of islands.

At least until California's next earthquake.

The Native Hawaiian alphabet contains only 12 letters, making it less than half as difficult to pass a sobriety test there.

Hawaii has five cities with a population over 100,000, none of which I can pronounce without hurting myself.

Contrary to the popular stereotype, not all native Hawaiians wear grass skirts and do the hula dance. Just the men.

Well, the gay ones, anyway.

Hawaii is home to numerous species of beautifully colored butterflies. Unfortunately, they have a taste for human eyeballs, so you probably shouldn't look at them.

Hawaii has no bridges connecting its islands, but if it did, Ted Kennedy would still drive into the water.

Native Hawaiians all have dark skin, straight black hair, and brown eyes. Sorta like Mexicans, except without the "sneaking across the border" part.

Most Dole pineapples are grown in Hawaii, and should NOT be confused with former Senator Bob Dole, since most pineapples could beat Bill Clinton in a Presidential election.

Hawaiian pineapples also refrain from referring to themselves in the third person.

Despite the impression given by the TV show "Magnum, P.I.", most Hawaiians don't have the same moustache as Saddam Hussein.

However, I hear the John Bolton look is becoming quite trendy.

The Hawaiian Islands are actually a chain of active volcanoes. Except for Mount Kilauea, which is dormant and serves as the hidden lair of an evil genius bent on global domination.

The main mode of sea transportation in Hawaii is the outrigger canoe. On land, it's hopping around and yelling, "OW! This lava's burning my feet! OW! OW! OW!"

The word "Hawaii" comes from the native Hawaiian word "Owhyhee", which means "That drink's gonna cost ya 15 bucks, ya stupid tourist! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

While vacationing in Hawaii, someone may approach you on the beach and offer to take your picture. Don't fall for this scam. He's actually trying to steal your soul with his evil voodoo box. Run away screaming.

Although it never snows in Hawaii, "Sno-Cones" are a very popular treat. However, you'll probably want to avoid the so-called "lemon-flavored" yellow ones.

No, I *didn't* enjoy my Hawaiian vacation, but thanks for asking.

Much like Illinois, Hawaii has no professional football team worth mentioning.

While at the beach in Hawaii, never turn your back on the ocean, lest scurvy pirates take you unawares. YARRRRR!

Again - NOT a good vacation.

If you have an extended stay in Hawaii, remember that ALL goods must be imported to this tiny island state. In the event of a Longshoreman's strike, always booby trap your precious horde of toilet paper to discourage theft.

Although Native Hawaiians never wear shoes this is NOT an invitation to play "this little piggy" with them.

Hawaii Five-O was a fictional TV show, and is NOT an actual crime-fighting organization. If you're the victim of a crime while visiting Hawaii, you'll have to take matters into your own hands by shooting people at random until you've calmed down.

The temperature in Hawaii almost never falls below 60 degrees Fahrenheit. At 59 degrees, native Hawaiians freeze solid and will shatter at the slightest touch.

If you accidentally shatter a Hawaiian, blame another tourist and escape during the ensuing confusion.

The state sport of Hawaii is shark-feeding... oh... sorry... "surfing".

While relaxing at the beach in Hawaii, tip your waiter generously, or don't be surprised when you wake up from your little nap by the ocean with the word "DORK" written in sunscreen across your chest.

Yeah... REALLY bad vacation.

In Hawaii, bikinis and speedos are considered acceptable attire at even the most formal events. As long as you can remember that "eye-contact" involves actually lifting your head, you'll be fine.

Good luck on THAT one, ya perv.

That wraps up the Hawaii edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be enjoying the potato-rich countryside of Idaho.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find another tourist to blame this shattered Hawaiian on.

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