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August 30, 2005
A Day in the Life: 08/30/05
Posted by Frank J. at 12:40 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (14)

Hi, it's Frank J. Now, when blogs started, most people just used them as online diaries. I've never done that, but I thought I might give it a shot. It could be instructive to some people to know what a day in the life of a Republican is like. So, here's my day so far:

I woke up this morning hating poor people - as always. Soon, I had my coffee and was reading the paper, dismayed once again that not enough brown-people in foreign countries are being killed. Doesn't anyone understand how important oil interests are for my portfolio and that blood must be spilled for it? I get so mad sometimes that I think the only way I could cheer up would be to kick an orphan.

I tried to take my mind off all that and ended up contemplating the contention that we Republicans have never worked an honest day in our lives. That is just so untrue. I mean, I count my money (I'd never let someone else do it), and that's honest work. Sure, the money was earned dishonestly and usually at the cost of the downtrodden, but I count it honestly as I would not lie about my financial situation to myself.

I decided that was enough philosophizing for one day and talked to SarahK about a good Republican hobby we could share together. My idea was we walk at night in the worst parts of town and kill whoever tries to mug us ala Death Wish. We'd get fresh air, some exercise from walking on foot, and some practical shooting experience. The only problem is we have to wait until October for the new Florida gun laws to come into effect which would make that activity perfectly legal.

To rest, I watched some news (FOX News, of course). It was nearly all hurricane coverage, but it was all about the plight of people and not about how this hurricane could affect my stocks. For a supposedly right-wing network, it could do better to cater to its audience.

Eventually, they broke from the hurricane coverage to some other news stories about an escaped monkey and Cindy Sheehan (not quite related). Cindy Sheehan has been a big concern for us neocons. I, like most neocons, am secretly Jewish and am trying to divert all of the U.S. government's funds to helping Israel and its Zionism. The entire Bush administration is actually Jewish too, except for the gullible born-again Christian Dubya himself. He's simply our dupe to have our bidding done. But, if Cindy Sheehan successfully gets another audience with Bush, she could tell him all about how the war in Iraq is all about Israel. We'll lose our dupe! Something has to be done about Cindy Sheehan, and I hear there are plans to steal her gardening hat which we have theorized to be the source of her power.

That's enough stress for one day; I could literally kill for a martini right now. Literally. Killing hardly ever leads to a martini, though.

Where's my butler? I need to send him to the store to get more vermouth. Can't go to the store myself as I might have to interact with commoners. Someone should really make special convenience store for rich Republicans like me where we can go shop on emergency occasions when we can't find our butler and not have to worry about running into common folk.

Where is that butler? He's never there when I need him.

I bet he's a Democrat.

Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

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