Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!
Buy funniest book ever!
IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter
Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!
If you want to send something by snail mail, e-mail with subject "P.O. Box" to get mail information for Frank J. and SarahK.
About Frank J.
Popular CategoriesFred Thompson Facts
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Know Thy Enemy
Frank the Artist
In My World
Other ContentOde to Violence
IMAO Audio Bits
Read the Essay
Own the Shirt
Testimonials"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
"Unfunny treasonous ronin!"
"You, sir, are a natural born killer."
"You'll never get my job! Never!!!"
"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence
"A blogger with a sense of humor."
-Some Woman on MSNBC
BlogrollAce of Spades HQ
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!)
Dave in Texas
Eject! Eject! Eject!
La Shawn Barber's Corner
Right Wing News
The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles
Right Wing Duck
This Blog Is Full of Crap
Fred Thompson Links
Blogs for Fred
Fred Thompson Facts
September 07, 2005
A Story, Bit-by-Bit
Superego: Part 24 - Hell
* * * *
When I got in the passenger seat, Diane handed me a book. "You are literate in standard human, right?"
"If you haven't deduced an answer to that, you're not a very good detective," I answered as I looked at the cover. It said in big letters "Holy Bible" (are there other kinds?) and declared itself a King James Version. Were I a king, I'd probably ask for my own version, too.
For the uninitiated, Christianity is based on the teachings of a carpenter's son who, ironically, was killed through an act of carpentry. According to the believers, he was the son of God Himself and will come again (when and where is conveniently unspecified - as is convenient that Jesus existed at a time on our homeworld before recording devices that would confirm the miracles the Bible supposedly documents).
Christianity is another one of those religions that tries to convert everyone, and its main problem in that end is convincing aliens that God chose the human homeworld as the place for his son, leaving the rest of the universe completely ignorant of him for thousands of years. Still, sentients seem to react to his "be nice to everybody" message, and there were a number of aliens at the church Diane brought me to.
Upon entrance, there were smiles and hugs all around, and I tried to act shy instead of annoyed. Diane did a decent job of shielding me from too many questions, though a number of people I found out to be her relatives seemed to be hoping I was a love interest.
Lot's of information here. Diane apparently grew up with this religion - her father was a preacher as I was informed (how a preacher got him and his wife killed by a criminal syndicate made me curious; to not be sexist, though, it could have been the wife's fault). I now knew people Diane seemed to care about (her detective demeanor was hung up at the door) which would give me great leverage against her. Her handing me this weapon against her would seem to mean she no longer suspected me of anything serious.
I'll spare you the details of the Bible study. In summary, Jesus died for our sins (Heh. My sins? That must have hurt.). Now we can go to Heaven when we die (which is apparently really nice) by being nice to everyone, getting splashed with water, and believing all this nonsense (not necessarily in that order). Otherwise, you go to Hell which is full of fire and isn't a nice place.
It's one or the other; no neutral area for anyone who was just "okay."
Also, Judgment Day is coming anytime now (as, apparently, it has been for thousands of years) when the world (I guess universe, now) will end and all will be sent to Heaven or Hell.
Were this to happen in the next couple days, it could really screw up my hit.
Needless to say, I kept quiet, reading the passages mentioned and some others out of curiosity. Diane contributed to the discussion of salvation. This made a few thing drop into place: she didn't like me killing all those idiot terrorists because now they had no chance at salvation. She must feel guilt for the people she killed in the line of duty - even though most would say they deserved it. Interesting.
The study ended just as I found the part labeled the Old Testament had more violence in it. When I left, a number said how they enjoyed having me and hoped I'd come back for worship on the day they called Sunday. I said I'd consider it, trying to sound like I was going to consider it... which I would have if that wasn't the day I was going to be busy killing Senator Gredler.
When I was back in the car with Diane, she asked if I wanted to catch dinner with her. I agreed since I needed more time to finesse her.
"Does Mexican sound good?"
"Sure." That's the one with lots of beans and cheese, right?
I kept pretending to read the Bible to keep her quiet during the car ride. I needed to prepare my performance.
When we sat down at the restaurant, I was ready for the first question. "So, what did you think?"
"I dunno. Some people see how big the universe is, and it's proof to them there must be some higher power. Others see it just as big emptiness. I don't know what I think myself, but it's a big jump to believe one specific take on the Higher Power... even if you accept there is one. At times, though, I wish I had that faith." Mix of bull and truth delivered quite well, if I do say so myself.
She just nodded. I was hoping for more.
When the waiter came (human this time), I let Diane order for me because I didn't really understand what any of the selection were from the descriptions. I was going to ask her a question next, but she headed me off.
"So what's the deal with you, Rico?"
"Huh?" I asked innocently… as I was confused.
"I've been a detective for some time, and it just seems to me that there is something to you you're not telling me."
"You don't trust me?" I tried to sound a little hurt.
She hesitated. That book she liked was against lying. "I don't know you. You seem like... a good person..."
She struggled on that last part because she didn't actually believe it. All those people I saved, and she didn't trust me.
She was smart. Smart enough to get her killed by me.
"But?" I prompted.
"But there's some mystery to you."
"Don't detectives like mysteries?"
She laughed. "No. I became a detective to end mysteries."
"Well, you're still a bit of a mystery to me." Only slightly, really. "What's your story?"
"What do you want to know?"
"Well..." I had to sound casual asking this. "Your next assignment is to save this Senator Gredler, but I got from the Chief there's some history between the two of you."
"We've never met... I just have some theories on him." She paused for a moment. "Well substantiated, in my opinion."
"What?" And I will hurt you now if you don't tell me.
"He's in bed with the Randatti criminal syndicate."
It was another freak out moment, but I kept my composure. "Why do you think that?"
"The criminal syndicates are obviously threatened with the growth of the Galactic Alliance. I figured they would make sure there are people in the leadership under their control. In my own time, I've researched the main Senators and their contacts. Through a number of different people, he's only a few degrees separated from know Randatti figures. I've presented what I put together to some officials, but they don't care. I need harder evidence, I guess."
"But you figure Corloni knows about Gredler, too," I said, thinking out loud, "and that's why they want him dead?"
"I guess. Don't know why they supposedly would send only one hitman, but it looks obvious of why they would do it during Gredler's speech... to do it so blatantly."
"To start a war." My people must have seen some weakness in Randatti and decided to finish the group off.
"That's what I think. Gredler's not going to cancel his speech because it looks pretty ridiculous that anyone could actually get to him and survive. I'm curious to see who this hitman is."
Now it was all coming together... and there was more to it than I first thought. I was to be the first shot in a war.
No, I was to be the first bullet.
"Are you all right, Rico?"
"Yeah, just trying to think through that all." I forced a laugh. "Seems like we should just let it happen; in the end, that will mean less criminals."
"I don't see it that way," she said quite seriously. She then paused for a moment, and it looked like she was almost to tears.
"My mother and father were killed by the Randatti criminal syndicate," she told me, "My father was a good man, and that just put him in the way of local criminal activities. So, they did away with him and the law here was impotent to bring any justice. Part of me would love to see Randatti destroyed, but Corloni is just more of the same… and things will only be worse if one dominates.
"I want Senator Gredler alive... and I want him arrested. That the only way to start bringing real justice to these criminals who have gone unconfronted for so long."
Diane was in way over her head if she thought she could make that happen. As for me, now that I had even more answers that I bargained for, I felt more lost than I ever had in my life.
The rest of the night was me forcing regular chit-chat while trying very hard to keep acting normal; I can't remember too much of it. The food was full of beans and cheese, though.
Buy IMAO T-Shirts
The IMAO T-Shirt Babe
(winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!!
Best of IMAO 2002
Best of IMAO 2006
Frank on Guns
Frank Reads the Bible
Frank the Artist
Fred Thompson Facts
Hellbender Take Two
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
I Hate Frank
If I Were President
IMAO for the Non-Deaf
IMAO Think Tank
In My World
In My World - Fan Fiction
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Know Thy Enemy
Mitt Romney Ads
Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Ronin Thought of the Day
SarahK's TV stuff
Scary Evil Monkey
Songs & Poems
State of the Frank Report
Totally True Tidbits
WEsistance Is Facile
Why Me Laugh?
By MonthDecember 2008