About IMAO

Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!

Buy funniest book ever!

IMAO Podcasts
IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter

Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!

About IMAO
Then conquer we must, for our cause is just, 
And this be our motto--'In God is our trust.' 
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave 
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

If you want to send something by snail mail, e-mail with subject "P.O. Box" to get mail information for Frank J. and SarahK.

About Frank J.

Frank J.
Cadet Happy
Laurence Simon

Popular Categories
Fred Thompson Facts
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
IMAO Condensed
Know Thy Enemy
Frank the Artist
In My World
Other Content
Ode to Violence
Brief Histories
IMAO Audio Bits

Read the Essay
Own the Shirt
Peace Gallery
Search IMAO
Web www.imao.us
"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
-Glenn Reynolds

"Unfunny treasonous ronin!"
-Lou Tulio*

"You, sir, are a natural born killer."
-E. Harrington

"You'll never get my job! Never!!!"
-Jonah Goldberg

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence

"A blogger with a sense of humor."
-Some Woman on MSNBC
Ace of Spades HQ
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
Captain's Quarters
Classical Values
Conservative Grapevine
The Corner
The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!)
Dave in Texas
Eject! Eject! Eject!
Electric Venom
Hot Air
Puppy Blender
La Shawn Barber's Corner
Michelle Malkin
Protein Wisdom
Rachel Lucas
Right Wing News
Serenity's Journal
Townhall Blog

IMAO Blogroll
Bad Example
Cadet Happy
The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles
mountaineer musings
Right Wing Duck
SarahK & Cadet Happy snark TV
This Blog Is Full of Crap

Fred Thompson Links
Fred File
Blogs for Fred
Fred Thompson Facts


September 08, 2005
A Story, Bit-by-Bit
Superego: Part 25 - A Small Universe
Posted by Frank J. at 03:44 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (15)



* * * *

"Rico, I now have a plan that has a 62% chance of success, but I would require you to first..."

"Do you believe in God, Dip?"

"I lack the data to make a determination on that... or even assign it a probability."

"You think God would help me if I prayed to Him... assuming He exists?"

"No. I believe you are evil, and most portrayals of God does not have him helping the evil... unless you repent your evil ways. That would have you first admitting to them, Rico."


"Shouldn't we discuss the escape plan, Rico?"

"Not right now. I'm going to read. I'll talk to you later."

"I think you should sleep, Rico."


"I haven't heard back from Vito, by the way."

I was curious what message he'd have to relay to me... if any.

I asked Diane if I could keep the Bible. She seemed delighted at the prospect, and then wrote down some verses for me to read. I took that paper, but I only wanted the book for something to distract me for the night. I just didn't want to think about this job anymore.

When I got back to my room, I tossed the piece of paper aside and scanned through the Old Testament. God was a vengeful old bastard before he settled down and had a kid. Being God would be a fun job, but I don't think I could come up with rules to hand down from a mountain.

The New Testament is all about love (which I've never been sure is really a distinct emotion), but Hell turns up plenty. Out of curiosity, I looked up what I have to do to gain salvation. Technically, I'm not exempt even with all my killing. In reality, I'm screwed. Part of salvation involves water, and that's not a problem. Also, one has to sin no more, and I can do that (other than killing and the lying that sometimes leads up to the killing, I'm pretty much free of vice). There are two parts to salvation, though, which I am just incapable of. One is believing. The other is repenting.

I can't believe this crap. It's all unprovable, so how can I just suddenly say I believe? People call that faith, and I just don't know what that is. It's seems more like delusion. I may be a psychopath, but I'm not delusional. I'm firmly grounded in reality.

And, because I'm a psychopath, I can't actually "repent" for my sins because I don't feel any guilt. I could ask for forgiveness, but that would just be words. I've slaughtered the innocent, and it means nothing to me. That's just who I am. If this Christianity stuff is right, then God made me to go to Hell.

And it seemed like the universe was bent on speeding me there.

Well, maybe Satan would help me, but I don't think I could ever trust the guy.

I got a little sleep, but I was up really early so I could use the hotel weight room when pretty much no one else was there. I worked so hard, I nearly hurt myself. Maybe I was trying to hurt myself. I guess that's my way of running. But I'm not going anywhere. I have no where to go.

I showered, got dressed, and went to meet Diane.

"Are you all right, Rico?" She really was concerned about me. That was funny.

I got in the passenger seat and handed back her Bible - the "Holy" one. "Thanks for lending this to me."

"It's yours, Rico." She started taking the vehicle into the air.

"Thanks, but I don't think Christianity is for me."

"Still, you can have it if you ever need it."

I tried to put the book in an inner coat pocket, but it was big and I accidentally knocked something out. A bottle of pills rolled off my seat and rattled to the ground.

"What are those?"

"It's personal," I answered as I quickly snatched them up. I wonder how much she saw? It was a full bottle of pills, but the label was so old and worn that the only think left visible was the warning, "May Cause Nausea." I don't know why I still keep them with me; I don't want nausea.

Diane gave me an odd look, and I expected a question. None came though. That was good because I had plenty of questions for myself.

Why am I still doing this?

If Gredler is with Randatti, it's possible the feds charged with protecting Gredler we were going to meet were Randatti thugs themselves. It was not a leap to think that Randatti had a file on me, and these people might recognize me on sight.

Then again, maybe a nice firefight was what I wanted. If one broke out, it would be interesting to see what side Diane chose.

We landed on top of a building that gave a great sniper's view of the stadium where Gredler would speak on sentient diversity. The feds weren't there yet.

"I might head back to Rikar early," I blurted out.


"All of this... with the criminal syndicates and everything... I think it's just too much for me. I don't know what I'm trying to get out of this. You said yourself you'd think the whole diversity conference is bull anyway."

"I don't think it will achieve anything, but I'd rather you'd stay." Diane put her hand on my shoulder. "I'm learning from you too, Rico."

I smiled weakly. The feds then landed and I mentally prepared myself for a shootout. A human female and some grayish alien (male?) approached us, both wearing black suits. At first I was trying to recognize the type of alien, but then the female caught my eye. She looked young for a fed. She had red hair, a killer figure, and...

I knew her.

Usually, she'd be the type of woman you'd want to remember you, but I was hoping otherwise. Little chance of that, though; I did wing her when we first met. Women remember that sort of thing.

There was a short look of surprise when she saw me, but she very quickly stifled it.

"I'm Agent Verg," the gray alien said, "and this is Agent Dawson."

"Detective Thompson," Diane said, shaking both their hands.

"Rico," I said, first shaking Verg's hand. I figured I'd pretend to not know her, and she'd do the same.

She had other plans.

When we shook hands, she made it seem like she suddenly recognized me. "Rico from Rikar!" she exclaimed, "I heard about you, but I didn't put it together until just now. Remember me, Morrigan?"

I gave myself a second. "Oh yeah. Small universe, isn't it?"

"It is. After we're done today, I'd love to catch up if you have time tonight."

"That would be great."

Diane was looking at us oddly. If only she knew the full story.

It was hard to enumerate on exactly how many different levels I was screwed right now. If there was any mercy to "Morrigan," she'd skip the chit-chat tonight and go straight to trying to kill me.

Emphasis on "try," of course.


Rating: 2.2/5 (30 votes cast)

Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!

Buy IMAO T-Shirts

IMAO T-Shirts

The IMAO T-Shirt Babe
(winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!!
Yay! Books!

By Category
American Idol
Barackalypse Now
Best of IMAO 2002
Best of IMAO 2006
Bite-Sized Wisdom
Election 2008
Filthy Lies
Frank Answers
Frank Discussions
Frank on Guns
Frank Reads the Bible
Frank the Artist
Fred Thompson Facts
Friday Cat-Blogging
Fun Trivia
Hellbender Take Two
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
I Hate Frank
If I Were President
ignis fatuous
IMAO Condensed
IMAO Exclusives
IMAO for the Non-Deaf
IMAO Reviews
IMAO Think Tank
In My World
In My World - Fan Fiction
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Know Thy Enemy
Michael Moore
Mitt Romney Ads
News Round-Up
Newsish Fakery
No, McCain't
Our Military
Permalink Contest
Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Ronin Profiles
Ronin Thought of the Day
SarahK's TV stuff
Scary Evil Monkey
Simpsons Trivia
Songs & Poems
State of the Frank Report
Totally True Tidbits
WEsistance Is Facile
Why Me Laugh?
Yvonne's Ashes
By Month
December 2008
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
April 2008
March 2008
February 2008
January 2008
December 2007
November 2007
October 2007
September 2007
August 2007
July 2007
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
December 2005
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
February 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
October 2002
September 2002
August 2002
July 2002
March 1933