With the ginormous hurricane Wilma heading my way, I'm really worried about bird flu. Who wants bird flu when you have a hurricane to deal with? Thus, I had my crack research team find out all they can about the flu of birds.

FUN FACTS ABOUT BIRD FLU

* The bird flu was named after its creator, NBA great and mad scientist Larry Bird.

* Bird flu is spread by avians. I'm not sure what those are, so, if you see something you don't recognize, destroy it. If you've been following Homeland Security procedures, you should already be doing that anyway.

* Birds also spread the bird flu. In them, it's incurable since feeding them chicken soup is just sick.

* Giving birds flu shots might help to prevent them getting the flu, but it's really hard to do since birds seem to be able to fly away. How do they do that?!

* Bird flu seems to be mainly affecting people in Asia which is far away and thus allowing us to laugh at it.

* Come on, try it. Repeat after me: "Ha! Stupid dying people in Asia!"

* You can tell a bird is infected because it will have a little bird cough. It's kinda cute, actually. Anyway, kill the bird and burn its body.

* I'm not sure how bird flu gets to humans, but your best bet is to make sure no bird flies into your open mouth.

* When a person is infected with bird flu, he will attack all those around him in a savage fashion. Or maybe that's the rage virus from 28 Days Later. Either way, stay away from those people.

* If you think you see Superman, shoot a rifle at him. He can often be mistaken for a bird (or a plane) and vice versa. If it is Superman, then no harm done (unless you hit him in the eye; ow!).

* If you shoot Aquaman saying you mistook him for a bird, I don't think anyone will buy it.

* BTW, in a fight between Aquaman and bird flu, Aquaman would get infected and die since seagulls are always crapping on his head when he surfaces.

* Children can be extremely susceptible to infection, so, if Big Bird tries to teach your child the alphabet, kill him and burn his body.

* If you think you have the bird flu, try flying south to a more relaxed climate... unless you're a human. Then, I dunno... see a doctor or something. But not my doctor; I don't want you to kill him with your bird flu.

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Know Thy Enemy
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