FIRST.
What is the big deal about peolple claiming the first comment spot?
Posted by Brian at October 20, 2005 09:07 PM

well, when you say “First, Ducky is the greatest”, then the Magic Duck grants you three wishes.

(Disclaimer: Magic Ducks appear whenever they feel like it)

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As we all know, if you are bitten by a zombie, you turn into one, and hippies are no different.

Is there a correlation between the two groups?

Posted by Damian G.

Of course there’s a correlation. Let me share some history with you. A long time ago, at the great peace festival known as – the big Mud covered thing where all the stars played and people pooped in the woods – several of the performers were in fact dead. The fact is that they were hopped up on enough chemicals to supply Big Pharma. They not only played while dead – they of course participated in the typical post game orgies – the kind seen only at rock concerts and Clinton Presidencies. Of course, this led to many children being born – not only out of wedlock, but outside the laws of nature. These kids we refer to as hippies.

Why won't the Democrat zombies just admit that they are Communists? Will Lenin ever be buried?
Posted by Fitch

Dear Fitch,

Lenin will probably never be buried. It’s for the best, this way they don’t have to take up valuable soil which could otherwise be used for burying nuclear waste.

The Democrats will never admit they are communist – unless the polling data showed it was a good time to come out of the closet.

**

Why is Helen Thomas so ugly?
Posted by SkyeChild

Please refer to the question about dead rock star sex.

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Although it's easier to use guns to fight zombies, since you're a knife person, what type of knives do you recommend? I live in Minnesota, so there are a lot of these zombies out here (Remember, we're the only state that Jimmy Carter and Walter Mondale got...or was it just one of them?), and I want to know what my backup weapon should be if I run out of ammo.
Gunlord

Gunlord,
Congratulations on seeking some sort of backup system. I believe that if everyone in this country carried a knife, we’d all be the better for it. Especially since it would give us gunowners an excuse to pop someone. I recommend a good machete which can be purchased at your local Home Depot. If anyone gives you any guff, tell them you need machetes for your illegal day laborers.

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I need to know the best way to deal with liberal family members who wish to convert me to idiocy..er I mean liberalism. I am unwilling to risk life sentences in prison just to shoot them.

Posted by Willow

Man, I HATE when liberals are out there trying to get conversions. Here in Pasadena, we see them standing on street corners with open issues of Newsweek. Then they come up to you asking if you’re saved and if you’ve accept Hillary Clinton as your savior. I HATE that.

Anyway, there’s no good solution. Maybe you could try logic and reasoning with them.

BWu hahahahahahahahahahahaha.

(wiping tear from his eye) Oh, I kill me sometimes.

Nope, you’re screwed. Learn to live with them and hope that one day they experience a very violent mugging. Then you can visit them at the hospital. Stand by their hospital bed while the thingy beeps in the background and wires and tubes are running in and out of their body parts. Lean over them, look them straight in the eyes and say:“You know who the REAL victim here is? Not you.”

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Why is Halloween even a holiday? Most holidays commemorate something. Stupidest holiday ever.
Posted by Mountain Mama

Hi Mountain Mama,

Stupid?

I dress my kid so I can’t recognize her, send her out in the middle of the night asking strangers for candy. What’s strange about that? I mean, is there a holiday in some other country where parents try to throw their kids into stranger’s vans?

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Does anyone have plans to put up a link to the Carnival of Comedy, or is it just assumed that people know where it's being hosted?
Posted by Fitch

Yes.

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Should we adopt a constitutional amendment to prevent liberals from using artificial means such as Botox (Senator Kerry), alcohol (Senator Kennedy), plastic surgery (Senator Boxer, Representative Pelosi) or pacts with the devil (Senator Byrd) to preserve themselves and thus retain power for periods that extend beyond those of typical mortals?
Posted by Keith Emery

Hi Keith,

That’s a great idea! Don’t forget to write your Senator. You can send them an email or better, yet, you Harry Potter fans can send him an owl. His HP style address is:

John Kerry
Sitting on Ted Kennedy’s Lap
Puking all over Byrd’s Pentagram
Boston, MA

**

Dear Doctor Ducky,
There is a girl I am trying to impress. Any advice?
Posted by motopolitico

MP,

I don’t know what to advise you. Maybe you could go all out. Maybe you could play hard to get. It depends on the girl and how cute she is. Do you have bikini pictures of her? Send them to me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom. I’ll evaluate her for you. Oh, and send me her email address too and any fetishes such as liking Mexicans with a sense of humor.

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Dear Ducky,
If we all know the dead rise from their graves on Halloween, and dead vote Democrat, shouldn't we have Second Amendment Republicans out there shooting Zombies with silver bullets so states like Washington and Illinois turn Red?
Posted by Taleena

Taleena,

You think you could have a gun in Washington? HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Besides, what are you worried about? Halloween, isn’t close enough to election day. Sure, some of the smart zombies go out and apply for absentee ballots – but those tend to vote Republican anyway.

**

Dr. Duck~
What was Tom DeLay thinking that made him smile so convincingly in his mug shot?
Posted by RightWingConspirator

Mr. Earles, head. Stuffed. On his mantle. T

hey don’t call De Lay the hammer because he works for Habitat for Humanity.

**

Dr. Duck,
If, on Halloween night, I open my door and Michael Moore or Cindy Sheehan are standing there, should I open fire immediately? Or is it possible it's a young conservative dressed in the scariest costume they could think of?
Posted by RW

Hi RW,

Great question. The other day I went out to the end of my driveway and thought it was Michael Moore. Turned out to be a big, stinking pile of garbage. But it COULD have been him. So, just to be sure, I shot it. The reality is that you won’t see Mrs. Sheehan or Michael Moore trick or treating as it entails a certain amount of work, and pretending to be someone else.

**

Trick OR Treat?
Posted by spacemonkey

Spacemonkey,

Why are you wearing that Michael Moore costume? (starts to load his rifle)

**

What are your credentials as a Doctor?
Posted by JoshG at October 21, 2005 10:01 AM

Let’s see. I’ve watched Doc Hollywood 17 times, seen every episode of ER, know most of my major body parts, have spent 2 nights in a hospital (sure, with kidney stones – but that still counts) plus I attended the Medical College Bar & Grill every Saturday night for 2 years. Plus, when I take out the battery, I'm pretty good at a game called Operation.

**

What should I, the great Frank J., go as for Halloween?
Posted by Frank J.

Hi Boss,

You should dress as a monkey. That would be funny on so many levels. Unless Ninja monkeys fell in love with you and .. (Censored because this is a family site)

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Dr. Ducky,
If I answer a knock at the door on Halloween, and see the hideous sight of Hillary Clinton asking for my vote, if I wave garlic at her will that repel her? Or do I need something stronger, like a tactical nuclear device, or maybe a picture of Helen Thomas nude?
Posted by Horrabin

Er. Is there a reason you have nude Helen Thomas pictures? I would recommend seeing a specialist of some kind. Or an eye doctor.

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Dr. Duck,
I was thinking of dressing up as Hillary for my Halloween party, complete with a Hillary for President 2008 button. Will that be too scary for my guests to handle? Also, can you recommend something to control the uncontrollable vomiting that occurs whenever I think about dressing up as Hillary for Halloween?
Posted by rachel

Whenver, I think of a Hillary Presidency, I try to imagine Helen Thomas naked. I find the wretching and puking really clears out my system. Puking isn’t so bad. I mean, if Hillary was president… if Hillary was president..Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaalf.

Anyway, you could go as Hillary Clinton, but remember to have a cover charge, you can't go to a party without making money from it!

**

Dear Dr. Duck:

If two deaf men get on a westbound train going 42 MPH, and three more deaf men get on an eastbound train going 65 MPH, will anyone hear the crash?
Posted by Army NCO Guy

NCO guy,

In the interest of science, I decided to set up this actual experiment. Unfortunately, both trains were AmTrack and they have yet to arrive anywhere near their locations. We’ll tell you what happens, as soon as congress approves more funding for this boongdoggle – I mean experiment.

**

As an amputee, is it unfair for me to have an authentic peg leg for my pirate costume? Will it give me an unfair advantage in the company Halloween costume contest? Will the ACLU sue me on behalf of Pirate amputees for stereotyping and slander?
Posted by DesertElephant

Dear Elephant,

Wood eye? Peg leg, peg leg, peg leg. Sorry, sometimes, the punch lines just blurt themselves out.

This same thing happened to my friend Carlos The Stump. He too was an amputee so he decided to go with a real peg leg. Unfortunately, Carlos put the peg leg on his GOOD leg, which later had to be amputated. We all had a good laugh over that one, except for Carlos, of course.

I say work your advantages. Does your office have any girls with big boobs wearing low cut Elvira dresses to show off their cleavage? If so – where do you work? Are they hiring?

No the ACLU would not sue you, unless your wooden leg had a kickstand that somehow made it look like a crucifix. Otherwise, you’re fine.

**

During Mexico's Day of the Dead, how do you tell the difference between costumed revelers and the 10,000 skeletons that washed up from New Orleans?

Posted by El Santo at October 21, 2005 07:17 PM

The Costumed Revelers aren’t imaginary. Also, I believe the revelers drink a bit more. Ah, day of the dead. Now THAT's a holiday that makes sense.

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Okay, Kiddies. That's it for the Halloween Edition of Ask Dr. Duck. Now, you can go forth and share knowlege. Go have a safe, fun, Hallowe... hey, somebody just threw their kid into my van!!!

Oh, wait. I forgot. It's the new duckling. Everything is okay.

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