Policy at a cannibal restaurant:
First come, first served.

Q. What did the bug say after it hit the windshield?

A. I don't have the guts to do that again.

Two cannibals were sitting around the fire having just finished eating. One cannibal said to the other, "My your wife makes good soup." The other cannibal responded, "Yeah, I'll sure miss her!"

Q. What was the last thing that went through the bug's brain as he hit the windshield?

A. His butt.

The first meeting of the Janitor's Union called for sweeping reforms.

Q. A dime and a quarter are standing at the edge of a cliff. The dime jumped off. Why didn't the quarter?

A. It had more sense.

(ok - that's all I got)

Yay!

::claps and laughs::

Crikey! All this talk of cannibals...methinks someone's been following the Michael Steele story a bit too closely.

"I'll sell a boat to a color'd man quicker 'n a cat can lick his ass!"

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes

Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends

Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon

Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read

Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind

Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl

Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes!

Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!

Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!

Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!

Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

Yo mama so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.

Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.

Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"

Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."

Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.

Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.

Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.

Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.

Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

Yo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.

Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!

Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!

Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

Yo mama so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.

Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.

Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.

Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.

Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics."

Yo mama so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.

Yo mama so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind.

Yo mama so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.

Frank: if you don't make funny, the terrorists win.

You can do it. Anyone can do it. 7734, I'll even write humor for those who lack a normal sense of humor...

LIBERAL COMEDY CLUB

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: Because of Bush and his cronies.

Q: Why did the federally protected endangered bacterium cross the road?

A: Because it was stapled to Bush and his cronies.

Sorry for any repeats:

Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up

Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"

Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.

Yo mama so fat were in her right now

Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise

Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone

Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors

Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her...

Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world

Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy

Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!

Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!

Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"

Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized

Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets

Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too

Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"

Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!

Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"

Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.

Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!

Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!

Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!

Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved!

Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!

Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!

Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...

Yo mama so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.

Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!

Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!

Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side!

Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!

Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!

Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose.

Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!

Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!

Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!

Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!

Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!

Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!

Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!

Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!

Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!

Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!

Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!

Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!

Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!

Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car!

Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!

Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!"

Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!

Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too

Yo mama so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it!

Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.

Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping

Yo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.

Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep.

Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.

Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.

Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.

Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.

Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.

Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.

Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.

Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!

Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.

Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her

Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.

Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.

Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.

Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family

Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through

Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.

Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.

Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.

Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!

Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.

Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out

Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth

Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures

Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.

Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.

Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose.

Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.

Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.

Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....

Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.

Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.

Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.

Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.

Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.

Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"

Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!

Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.

Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.

paris is burning. can you get much funnier?

Goe, hates frogs and lawyers.

How do you get an Auburn Graduate off your porch?

Pay him for the Pizza.

I thought Arafat's death was pretty funny.

Here's a Biblical joke for you. This is meant to entertain you and not SarahK right???

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.

He said this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.

Adam asked "What would a woman like this cost me??" God said, "an arm and a leg." Adam said "That seems sort of expensive, what can I get for a rib???" The rest is history...

Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five, though none of them actually do any of the work, they just sit there criticizing the conservative that's doing it for them.

Q: Why did the liberal cross the road?
A: Because they always follow chickens.

What do you call a 300 lb. woman?

Fat.

Goodness were you hijacked?

Why did the chicken cross the park?
To get to the other slide.

Q: What is green has eight legs and would kill you if it fell on you from out of a tree?

A: A billiard table.

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!

Frank H:

How do you know so much about my Mama?

I think it is shameful that the French are out-rioting we Americans. They have managed to throw not one, but nine days of riots for their president/prime minister but slackers that we are, we had to send our President to a foreign country for riots. And to top it off, he had to share the rioters with more than 30 other (third) world leaders. We Americans need to get our act together and learn how to show appreciation for our leaders.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but God only knows how they got in there.

A police officer was on patrol when he came across a blue pickup truck with about 20 penguins in the back. He pulled the truck over and asked the driver, "Do you know you've got a whole bunch of penguins in the back of your truck?"

"Why yes, officer," replied the man.

"Did you know that penguins are wild animals?"

"Aww, shucks, officer, these penguins aren't that wild!"

"Well, sir, I'm going to advise you to take these penguins to the zoo immediately!"

"Certainly, officer, I will."

About a week later the policeman is patrolling the same area and sees the same blue pickup truck with about 20 penguins in the back, but this time the penguins are all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over again.

"Sir, are you the same man I pulled over last week with penguins in the back of his truck?"

"Yes, officer, I certainly am!"

"Didn't I instruct you at that time to take the penguins to the zoo?"

"Certainly you did, officer!"

"Well, didn't you take them to the zoo?"

"I sure did, officer, and you know what? We had so much fun that today we're going to the beach!"

Q: What does a Cue Ball and a Mexican have in common?
A: The harder you hit them, the more English you get.

Q: What do you call a guy that hangs around musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: What do you say to a drummer in a suit?
A: Will the defendent please rise?

Q: What do you call a drummer who broke up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: How do you get a drummer off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

/Users/Owen/Desktop/Voting-Monica.jpg

Did you hear about the Hippie Cannibal? He liked to smoke joints.

What did one deadhead say to the other after the drugs wore off?

Man, this music sucks.

Q. How do you hide your drugs from a hippie?
A. Place them under the soap.

Why did the plane crash?

The pilot was a loaf of bread.

Did you hear about Lena of Ole and Lena fame? She entered the local swimming meet, the breast stroke. She dove in swam the 100 yards and found that she had finished last. When asked why Lena responded that she was pretty sure the other contestants had used their arms...

If you want t read about some sick funny, go to Google and type in Man, Sex with Horse Dies. When a coworker told me the story I didn't believe it. A man died having sex with a male horse. No he wasn't pitching...he was catching! His "buddies" dropped off at the entrance to the local hospital and ran...

Q: What's a vampire's favorite holiday?
A: Fangs-giving!

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick!

Did you hear the circus was in town? It was in-tents! (intense)

Q: What's a cat's favorite cereal?
A: Mice Krispies!

:-D

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung.

Letter from a farm kid, now at Paris Island Marine Corps recruit depot:

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 am, but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

This one is kinda dirty. My apologies if it crosses the line. My excuse is that I don't write 'em. I report, you decide.

A female friend of mine bought a 12 pack of condoms to use with her husband. when she got home from work, she noticed there were only 11 left in the package. when she confronted him, he said he used one to "make love alone"!

She asked me, "Have you ever done that?"

I said, "Well, once or twice, but I don't make a habit out of it."

She said, "I had no idea that men used condoms for that!"

I said, "Oh, I thought you were asking if I've ever lied to my wife!"

Haha...I got a couple...
Hillary Clinton
John Kerry
Michael "blob" Moore

Rindo,

The man said "funny" not "terrifying".

This is the worst joke I've ever heard but here goes...you decide...

How can a South Carolina Mother Tell that her daughter is having her period? (Her son't weener tastes different...) I know...I'm just retelling a joke I heard. I didn't make it up...