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November 08, 2005
Know Thy Enemy: Riots
Posted by Frank J. at 11:59 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (11)

The riots in France have gone on for 12 nights. It's gotten so bad, that Jacques Chirac decided to actually mention it. Also, they now have a curfew (no mindless destruction after hours). Riots can always be a problem, so I had my crack research team find all they can about riotousness.


* A "riot" is made of people acting out by destroying everything in sight and committing violence in a seemingly random fashion. This shouldn't be confused with the movie Naked Gun which is a "laugh riot."

* Sometimes rioters can be confused with an angry mob. A mob tends to be more focused, so, if the destruction is less random, such as storming Frankenstein's castle with torches and pitchforks, it's probably a mob.

* Rioters are often poor youths who feel alienated from modern society. Thus, rioters can be quelled by ending economic disparity. A shotgun blast also works.

* If confronted by rioters, stand still, wave your arms in the air, and yell really loud to scare them away.

* You can also shoot them.

* Serious. Considering the circumstances, you totally won't get in any trouble.

* Sometimes riots break out because the local sports team lost in a heated game. Or the local team won. Well, the root cause is always that a lot of people are idiots.

* Many people use a riot as an excuse to steal stuff, which just goes against the whole spirit of random violent.

* Rioters tend to break windows. Mark your windows with "FRAGILE" so rioters will handle them with care.

* Rioters will often burn cars. If possible, don't park near rioters.

* France is having an especially hard time with riots because it's hard to crack down on rioters and keep up that image of being extreme effeminate that the French are known for.

* If you find your kids rioting, address them very sternly and explain to them how rioting is only for grownups.

* Many rioters don't have any agenda and just get caught up in "riot fever" since they like smashing stuff. Try not to catch the fever yourself, because I'll shoot you dead.

* In France, many of the rioters are Muslim. So, if all your store does is sell bacon, you don't have to worry about theft!

* If the rioters are Muslim, have a pig guard your house and property. Muslims are extremely afraid of pigs since it was a pig who shot the prophet Mohammed.

* The main question posed by riots is "Can't we all just get along?" The answer is a definitive "No."

* With riots like those in France, you may face people who don't understand your language. It's best then to communicate with the barrel of a gun which is quite universal.

* While it's only an urban legend that if a rioter bites you that you become one, it's best to have the bite checked for an infection.

* Since rioters tend to be the poor and disaffected, they probably have low quality firearms that aren't accurate and jam a lot. So bring it on, I say!

* In a fight between rioters and Aquaman, Aquaman would try to trick everyone into rioting underwater where they would drown. It wouldn't work, and he'd then be set on fire.

* If you think you see a riot, call the police. They'll want to know where it's taking place so they can avoid that area and not get shot.

* If you're interested in preventing riots, make sure no one is videotaping you when you pummel belligerent drunk drivers.

* Also, don't be France.

* Actually, not being France is good advice no matter what.

Rating: 2.7/5 (33 votes cast)

Know Thy Enemy
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