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November 27, 2005
Know Thy Enemy: Cats
Posted by Laurence Simon at 07:00 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (11)

Well, it's time for The Carnival of the Cats, but what do you really know about that furry little beast that you leave in your home unsupervised for nine to twelve hours a day while you slave away at a keyboard earning barely enough money to pay for their food, vet bills, and toys they ignore while still having to clean up after them?

That doesn't sound like domesticated household pet or friendly companion. It sounds more like a cruel, domineering master who has enslaved you in its claws. So, I had my crack research team find all they can about cats…


  • Cats will take over your precious furniture in an attempt to steal solar energy away from local solar-power projects.

  • Or just buy furniture specifically for the cat, you sap.

  • Outdoors furtniure will do just fine.

  • Cats make excellent speed bumps. In fact, even better than speed bumps. Unlike real speed bumps, they squeak.

  • If you don't like poetry, then you'll really dislike poetry from the perspective of a cat. Cat poetry can be avoided if you keep poetry off of your bookshelves and only under lock and key, if at all.

  • Cats that are still displaced from massive natural disasters make excellent houseguests and are a fine addition to the family, unlike those pesky humans who sometimes tell tall tales to reporters. Cats never lie.

  • Well, unless it has to do with getting a kitty treat. Cats will lie to get those.

  • Digital photography was invented because cat owners wasted a lot of film waiting for their cat to get in a decent position worthy of photographing.

  • Cats demand that you shop for them, but you do not get a deduction for them on your taxes. What a rip-off!

  • Driving somewhere for the holiday with your cat? Well, if your cat is a part of the family, then why doesn't it take a shift in the driving?

  • Ever have Turcatden? The first step is stuffing in the cat in the turkey

  • Cats can strike like ninja when it comes to unarmed combat. But once a cat is forced to use nunchuks, you will have the distinct advantage.

  • The first year of a dog's life is spent training the dog. The first year of a cat's life is them training you.

  • Of course, the dogs and cats sometimes train together, building a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude.

  • Cats have lousy table manners, even though most humans don't know what each fork is for.

  • The littlest fork is for spearing the hand of the person next to you when they take your wineglass.

  • Solution: serve beer.

  • Cats can surf. Charlie doesn't. Therefore, cats aren't Charlie. When fighting a Vietnamese insurgency, trust the cats.

  • They use each other as pillows. But will they let you use them as a beer coaster or footrest? Heck no!

  • Wood-burning stoves and fireplaces are an excellent way to provide renewable energy-based heat in the wintertime, but don't think a cat will split wood for you.

  • Cats sometimes need a shoulder to cry on, but do not be fooled! From this position, a cat has at least sixteen different ways to kill you. Be on your guard!

  • Remember the episode of Star Trek where Kirk was split into good and evil Kirks? Well, a a Tuxedo cat can easily be split into black and white cats. Got a transporter?

  • No, Spacemonkey, I don't trust you to build one. Last time you built one, Detroit vanished.

  • Not that anyone misses Detroit. Except Harvey, who has yet to do Michigan on the podcast. Sorry, Harvey.

  • Cats spend a lot of time sleeping. And sleeping. This is because they spend a lot of time dreaming up ways to destroy you and bring you to ruin.

  • Know what else is dangerous only if you welcome into your home? Vampires. Have a cross and garlic ready.

  • And wooden stakes, but wrap them in carpet. For scratching posts.

  • Christmas comes but ocne a year. In cat-years, thats... um... I'm not sure.

  • Cats have invested heavily in replacement screen doors as well as glass panel doors, so it doesn't matter which you buy: they win.

  • Cats are tumble dry only, just in case the tag with the washing instructions has fallen off. Toss in a Bounce, too. Heck, toss in a mouse.

  • Fold immediately after washing. Do not leave in basket or wrinkles will result.

  • Ironing is optional.

  • The whole staring thing creeps me out.

  • Got a lap? Got a cat? Guess what… one size fits all!

  • Sandwiches just aren't sandwiches without the fresh taste of... hey, put my freaking sandwich down, you thief!

  • Cats are extremely territorial, so inviting guests over without their permission will often result in an argument over sleeping arrangements.

  • Denied access to a formal education, Cats have to earn their sheepskins by other means.

  • In a world where some people go without clothes, dressing up cats appears even more insane than it actually is.

  • Well, okay, all the wrong people go without clothes. Halle Berry comes to mind.

  • Rawr.

  • Just because there's a cat on the stairs, it doesn't mean you need to risk injury to yourself by skipping that step. Teach them young.

  • For those who actually don't want their cats to run off and get lost, there's nothing that says "I love you and want you to stay around forever" by tying them to a large weight. Apparently, it doesn't fit down the dog's throat and you can yank the cat back out.

  • Or you can let them go outside and let come what may.

  • Some people say you should just get one cat. Others say you need at least a pair so they can keep each other company. The answer is simple: ask your doctor how much cat you should have in your diet.

  • Cats make excellent thermometers. However, please limit the range in which you test for temperature to between -70 degrees and 160 degrees Celsius. Otherwise, you will invalidate the warranty.

  • In a fight between Aquaman and cats, the cats would win. Especially if the fight were over turkey.

  • Don't have a heavy bludgeon handy? Try a portion of turkey.

  • Cats use trees as a mechanism for hiding from opponents as well as spying on them. This is why trees are bad. Destroy all trees!

  • Shoe trees, too. Especially shoe trees.

  • If you share a laptop with a cat, be prepared to wash your hands frequently. Because you just don't know if the had has recently washed their paws before using the keyboard.

  • Planning on making a holiday greetings card? Cats make excellent models, but will only charge you for leftovers. But as with every labor agreement, get it in writing.

  • Finally, remember the old superstition that black cats are bad luck? Well, brace yourselves: all cats are bad luck!

  • Is your cat sick? How can you tell? It's not like they don't barf and gack all over when they're healthy, right?

  • Last, but not least, cats are violent drug addicts who will stop at nothing to get a fix.

Thank you to every member of my crack research team in helping assembly this Know Thy Enemy. The next Carnival of the Cats will be at When Cats Attack.

See? Cats attacking? Don't say I didn't warn you!

Also, catbloggers are welcome to add themselves to the Frappr Map as well as the Catblogroll. While you're at it, go ahead and send me some pictures of your cat so I can add them to the banner of the Carnival of the Cats page.

And... um...

Why are you pointing a gun at me, Frank?

Rating: 2.5/5 (47 votes cast)

Know Thy Enemy
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