Today is one of the worst days for Technical Support people in the computer industry.

People around the globe, unwrapping their new computers, iPods, cell phones, and other technological marvels will be popping in the batteries or plugging in various connectors only to find out they have absolutely no idea what they're doing.

It gives me chills down my spine. There's no telethon for chills down the spine, is there? I'd be the poster child, standing up on stage with... um... Christopher Lloyd or...um... Rob Schneider. Yeah, any time a movie of his is out, I've got Spine Chill Syndrome. It's not even covered on my lousy insurance plan, either.

So these newbies want to get all their settings on the new computer while getting all their porn copied over and wiped out of the old one so they can give it to the kids (who will probably just fill it with porn all over again).

Or maybe the connector in their iPod is a dud. Not every device that passes the in-factory QC tests keeps their virgin status. So they want to pick up a replacement and... the store's closed.

Don't forget about batteries. It's not that they forgot to include them, but the fact that Mom and Dad or Aunt Rose or Uncle Harry got you the wrong batteries. Leave it to them to convince the museum to hand over the B-sized batteries because they think those are what will power your Robosaurus.

Who do you think they call to complain that the store's closed? You know, because the Technical Support person can have the entire store pages and openup the store for them.

There's always the RTFM issues. Gotta love it when the question is right there boldly featured in the documentation. When the person says they never read the manual, I usually reply I never answer questions that are in the first five pages of it, so turn to page 4 and tell me what you see there.

Did you purchase a sub-500 computer for your kid? It's got a big Celeron or Duron or "Moron Who Fell For The Salesman's Line Of Crap That Crippled Processors Are Good Enough And That Shared Memory Will Run The Latest Games" sticker on it? Why not just put a sticker on it that says "Overclock Me" on the monitor? Kid's going to raid the Tupperware drawer and try to rig up a cooling system using the fishtank pump and the gooey insides of that freezer-pack... and you know that stuff kills dogs and stains the carpet.

Bought it all online and now you're clicking through the interface looking for how to return all that junk? Heh. Heh heh heh. Yeah, call that 800 number for Customer Service. See if they're in. No? Well, I guess you can just bitch at the Technical Support folks long and loud enough, they can magically handle your non-technical issue. Use lots of swear-words too. It excites them.

Oh well. At least there's one bright and shiny thing about this being the worst Technical Support day of the year - now it's India's problem.

The worst day? Well, it's Valentime's Day. Because Technical Support people are lonely, frustrated losers.

Oh, and they're ugly, too.

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