CNN is reporting that at least 345 Muslims have died in the annual Human Stampede at the Stoning Of The Devil stage of the annual Hajj:

At least 345 people have been killed in a stampede during a symbolic stoning ritual at the annual Hajj pilgrimage in Saudi Arabia, according to the country's health ministry.

Health Minister Hamad al-Maneh told Saudi TV that 289 others were were injured in the stampede near Mecca and taken to hospital.

Many of those injured were not seriously hurt and have been released from the hospital, al-Maneh said. The number of injured does not include those treated on the scene, he said.

Whew. Thank goodness for the quick actions of the Saudi Red Crescent to head off further carnage.

Now, 345 people dying and hundreds more injured is a horrible human tragedy, to be sure, but things could have been much worse if the Islamic authorities in Saudi Arabia hadn't have decided to remove other dangerous stages of the pilgrimage meant to represent the Prophet Mohammed's journey of faith...

• "Running Through The Minefield Of Paradise With The Scissors Of Strength" - Mohammed's journey was fraught with many pitfalls and dangers, and so yours is fraught with many a claymore and bouncing betty. Authorities ruled that the scissors should be the kiddie-school rounded-ended scissors, but casualties didn't seem to go down year-to-year. Eventually, the staggering number of accidents among Filipino guest-workers resulted in a strike, and the event was halted.
  
  
• "Swimming Through The River Of Blood Less Than Half An Hour After Eating Some Really Nice Hummus And Olives" - In Sura 36:43, Allah threatens Mohammed with drowning:
  
  

  And if We will, We drown them, and there is no help for them, neither can they be saved.

  
  
  Which explains why the lifeguards (all officers in the Saudi Royal Navy and members of the House Of Saud) were all off duty in 1975. Still, they got paid.
  
  
• "Running Headfirst At The Cave Wall Of Revelation" - It is said that Allah revealed the Quran during his occasional forays into caves for meditation. Well, whenever you're in a cave, you hit your head on the ceiling, right? Makes sense to me. Running just speeds up the revelations.
  
  
• "Sleeping On The Freeway Of Faith" - Sure, Allah never sleeps (Sura 2:255), but you do. It's no Sealy mattress, but King Fahd personally inspected this highway meant for pilgrims of the jihad. Due to construction delays, the sleeping freeway was never completed, so the transportation freeway doubles as the sleeping freeway. Drivers are therefore instructed to drive with their lights off and refrain from loud noises like honking their horns so as not to disturb the sleepers.
  
  
• "Licking The Lightsocket Of Destiny" - The Quran tells us that Allah divided the smoke into the world and the skies, placing the stars in the heavens to light the world while maintaining them as an arsenal should he ever need to cast them at devils.
  
  On the other hand, General Electric tells us that they bring good things to light.
  
  The event may be banished, but in Poland, they still tell crude "How many imams does it take to unscrew a Muslim?" jokes.
  
  
• "Stick Your Head In The Microwave And Shout At The Jews" - This one makes absolutely no sense, but while you're in there, can you check on my popcorn? The instructions say to turn the bag during cooking and the turntable is broken.
  
  
• "Vigorously Shaking The Zamzam Cola Bottle Of Justice And Then Pointing The Cap At Your Friend Abdul's Head" - Finally, an event that commemorated the contributions of Mohammed's companions? Well, the organizers thought so. This was a champagne bottle and a cork before someone remembered that alcohol is prohibited in Islam. I believe the person that remembered was tied to a Ford pickup truck and dragged to death for "spoiling the fun."
  
  
• "Tying Yourself To Allah's Chariot For The Night Journey To Al-Quds" - (see above)
  
  
• "Shaving With The Chainsaw Of Courage" - Nobody was ever sure where in the Quran Mohammed ever shaved, let alone attended to basic hygiene, but the Stihl corporation had a bunch of spare gas-powered chainsaws and the price of oil was at record highs, so what the heck.
  
  The large number of self-inflicted beheadings was not reduced by the introduction of shaving cream the next year, so this stage was scrubbed.
  
  
• "Urinating On The Electrified Gate To Paradise" - This was meant to symbolically represent every Muslim's condemnation of the Separation Barrier the Zionist Occupiers are building to prevent Muslims from returning to their glorious nation of Palestine. Instead, those who didn't end up with scorched crotches from the electric charge were crushed against the razor-tipped barrier.
  
  
• "Placing The Plastic Bag Of Truth Over Your Head And Waiting For Divine Guidance" - It would be prohibitively expensive to equip every pilgrim with the armor that Mohammed's mujaheedin equipped themselves with on their wars of conquest that eventually assembled the Arabian peninsula into a single powerful military, economic, and spiritual entity. So, instead of millions of suits of leather armor in various sizes, which might result in horribly painful sores from chafing, a one-size-fits-all solution of drycleaner bags was decided upon.
  
  The fact that the Quran never mentioned popping your head through the perforated holes for the coat hangers or sticking your arms through the sides was considered "somewhat of a boo-boo."

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