(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Congressional Democrats will be attempting to grab the moral high-ground by making ethics an issue in 2006. Specifically, they want to introduce a new Congressional "code of conduct", hoping to take advantage of the public's perception of scandal over the Abramoff affair.

Sure, Harry Reid funnels money to Nevada churches, Nancy Pelosi is "suddenly" remembering $8500 worth of vacations provided to her by lobbyists, and there aren't enough pixels in the entire internet to list all the wild spinnings of Ted Kennedy's moral compass - but still, I'm sure there's a lot the Dems can teach us about being well-behaved, as illustrated by these fake (but accurate) excerpts from the new Congressional Code of Conduct:

* The use of the phrase "President Bush" in a speech is forbidden unless the sentence also includes the words "liar", "Nazi", "failure", "warmonger", and/or "retard".

* Do NOT use tinfoil hats, as they've been shown to actually INCREASE one's susceptability to Karl Rove's mind-control rays.

* Prove how dangerous guns are by having your Secret Service bodyguard shoot people at random.

* Make sure he hits an Affirmative Action quota's worth of black people, lest you be accused of racism.

* Tell the victims' families that it was the Republicans' fault for not spending more on body armor.

* Don't take bribes. If someone offers you money in return for a promise to vote a certain way on a bill, that's a bribe. Just take the money and wink slyly - that way there's technically no promise involved, and it's considered a "campaign contribution".

* Avoid using the racist and offensive term "terrorist". Use "person of shrapnel" instead.

* Al Gore is NOT a piece of furniture - that's just his personality. Don't set your drink on him.

* If you do set your drink on him, at least use a coaster.

* Even if you just had a baby, don't offer a cigar to Hillary Clinton. It makes her twitchy for some reason.

* Carpooling can help save the Earth's precious, dwindling resources. Make sure there are at least two people in your vehicle at all times - for example, you and your limo driver.

* Whenever possible, shoot spitballs at that backstabber Zell Miller.

* If you accidentally put out his eye, blame the Republicans for not buying him body armor.

* True, body armor wouldn't have prevented an eye injury, buy your constituents are too stupid to figure that out, so there's no need to pass up a perfectly good opportunity to blame Republicans.

* Pointing out the resemblance between Nancy Pelosi and Michael Jackson will be grounds for censure.

* NO MORE CRYING!... [looking your way, Voinovich]

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Rating: 2.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Best of IMAO 2006
~Precision Guided Humor Assignments
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