Alan Greenspan will finish his tenure as Chairman of the Federal Reserve today with a final rate-setting meeting:

The Fed is expected to boost a key interest rate by a quarter-point. That would mark the 14th increase in the Fed's target for the federal funds rate, the interest that banks charge each other, since Greenspan and his colleagues launched their credit-tightening campaign 19 months ago.

Those moves pushed the funds rate from a more than four-decade low of 1 percent up to 4.25 percent before Tuesday's meeting. Short-term consumer and business borrowing costs have moved in lockstep with the Fed changes.

The prime rate, the benchmark for millions of home equity and other consumer and business loans, was at 7.25 percent before this week's meeting. It would rise to 7.5 percent with the expected Fed rate increase, which would be the highest level in nearly five years.

Of course, that's all based on a quarter-point increase.

What if Greenspan raised the rates by twenty points?

That's right. Twenty points.

Look, Greenspan's 78 and he's retiring. He's not just old. He's crazy old. Almost liche-like in his appearance.

He probably doesn't have much time to spend everything he's got stashed away in Swiss bank accounts, and his wife's got one of them high-falootin' journalism jobs so she doesn't need egg-and-cocaine money from Daddy Greenbucks. He's already got his mansion and his vacation home and army of ninja economist followers at his disposal, so it's very likely he's not going to need any more loans before it's time to start pushing up the daisies.

The man's the most powerful finance man in the world. There's nothing to stop him from having a little fun and jacking things up into the twenties.

Follow the Boy Scout Creed: Be prepared. (No, not "Keep your knife sharp for the day when the scoutmaster offers a badge for unzipping and bending over.")

Based on this fact, I strongly suggest y'all consider filling up your tubs with an emergency supply of water, purchase a large number of firearms, and buy up as much hard commodities as possible like gold or pork-bellies.

No wonder why people listen to E.F. Hutton instead of me. Well, that and the fact that I shout all this through a bullhorn while my friends parade through the streets with absurdly large puppets.

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