Getting tired of being treated like a number? Feel like you don't matter?

Dr. Duck cares. I have all your answers and promise to listen to everything you say.

Here are the questions you recently asked: along with the answers to everything...

Enjoy

Dear Dr. Duck,
What is the perfect recipe? How can it be perfect? A perfect recipe presupposes that no further recipes are necessary - wouldn't that spell the end of new recipes, fixing all foods in an immutable form (assuming you're referring to a recipe for food and not psychoactive chemicals)? Do we want or need a perfect recipe? Did the perfect recipe exist a century ago? If so, how blah blah blah blah blah.

Posted by aelfheld at February 15, 2006 04:07 PM

Aelfheld,

You're boring. I'm moving on the the next question. Check in with my secretary, we'll have you come back next week. Oh - and bring some food with you.

**
Dear Dr Duck,
Is there anything you can do to get the ad with Cindy Sheehan off of this site. I'm tired of looking at that smiling piehole every time I visit.
Thanks,
McCoy

We obviously have different tastes. Cindy is one good looking Iguana. Rumor has it she'll be on the cover of Bush Killed My Son monthly.
**

Dr. Duck,
What happens when Harvey runs out of states?
Posted by slapout

Hi Slapout:

Once he runs out of states, he’ll cover emotional states.

Fun Facts about insecurity.

The pill to cure insecurity was invented by I.M. Shie. Rather, it would have been invented if he didn’t doubt himself so much that he cancelled his presentation and went off to Hooters.

Everyone feels insecurity at one point or another: or maybe it's just you.

**

What is the meaning of life?
Posted by motopolitico

**
Whenever I get a question this deep, I turn to one of the deepest books I know – the dictionary.

Here’s the meaning:

Main Entry: 1life
Pronunciation: 'lIf
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural lives /'lIvz/
Etymology: Middle English lif, from Old English lIf; akin to Old English libban to live -- more at LIVE
1 a : the quality that distinguishes a vital and functional being from a dead body b : a principle or force that is considered to underlie the distinctive quality of animate beings -- compare VITALISM 1 c : an organismic state characterized by capacity for metabolism, growth, reaction to stimuli, and reproduction
2 a : the sequence of physical and mental experiences that make up the existence of an individual b : one or more aspects of the process of living Dear Dr. Duck,
**

Does that help? It helped me. Turns out I was pronouncing it wrong!

**
Why?
And a followup:
Why anything?
Posted by Dave

Dave,

You are obviously looking for the meaning of life. Please see the previous question.

**

What is the incubation period required for a crappy rock tune to become a classic rock tune, and is there any way to stop this blight on our popular culture?
Followup:
How gay am I for having ever liked Styx? I mean, holy crap!
Posted by PaleoMedic

A song is officially a classic when the pretty young thing sitting next to you has never heard of the song. At that point the song is a classic: And she's too young for you.

Styx? Paleo, this would explain why you keep mailing us to have us review Brokeback Mountain.

**

I think I found Spacemonkey's glasses. How much should I hold them for randsom?
Posted by ssj2gunslinger

Half their value seems fair. I say ask for 50 cents.

**
Dr. Duck,
How come last I did this I never got an answer from you?
-James
Posted by James

The IMAO bloggers are always nagging me to finish what I start. Here’s what I say to that..

**
Dear Dr. Duck,

We have established that it is no great sin to shoot a lawyer by accident. What about on purpose?
And is it OK to use an M16A2 and issue ammunition, or is that considered misuse of military property?
Finally, what is your position on shooting reporters?
Posted by MegaTroopX

My position on shooting reporters: I prefer a two hand grip with my feet shoulder width apart.

I mean – bad. Bad, MegaTroopX. It is wrong to shoot a lawyers – Unless He’s Headed Right For You! (strictly a South Park joke- sorry)

**

Oh great and wise RWD, I have noticed a marked increase in linkage from the blender of puppies who shall not be named. Why is the mighty Frank J (may his name be praise) consorting with the blender of puppies? Also can you give me directions to a good Chinese restaurant?
Posted by Brian the Adequate

Are you accusing us of kissing up to Glenn Reynolds so we can get traffic? I’m not sure Glenn Reynolds would do that. Glenn Reynolds is a good man. So stop insulting Glenn “The Puppy Blender” Reynolds.

Chinese food is cool. I can’t think of a good restaurant right now. I’ll email Glenn Reynolds.

**

Dear Dr. Duck,
Another office question from the collections department groupie:
I've got HR considering the big Italian guys as assistants in my collection duties, but if this comes through, I'll need a cool car, not only one that looks cool, but can handle the crappy weather in Minnesota and still not be to pricey for our finance office. What style/model car should I request?
Sincere thanks!
Sarasmom

You need one with room, but can help you do the job. But it also has to say, "I care about the environment and there's nothing to see here - go on about your business."

II say, look into getting a garbage truck. Careful with the parallel parking. Once you get it, swing by and let the IMAO staff check it out. Can you come every Thursday?

**

Dear Dr. Duck,
Why in God's name did Ted Kennedy name his Portuguese water dog "Splash"? Is this a Rove-ian conspiracy, or is he just getting paid directly by satirists?
Posted by Lissa

I understand Lissa. I haven’t seen such a bad name since Clinton almost named his dog Squirt. I don’t understand the motivation – let us be grateful that some things are funnier than we could ever make up.

**

We saw the pattern of birdshot from Chaney's hunting accident! How come we didn't get to see the pattern Monika Lowinskey sustained when Bill Clinton shot her in the face
Posted by woodsman

You can. They were sold to the Clinton Library as Rorschach Samples.

**

Dr. Duck,
What possible accessories or modifications could we concoct for the clue bat? I'm thinking of inventing clue nun chucks.
Posted by Garrett O'Hara

Interesting idea. What exactly are the nuns chucking? Is it rocks? Wood? How much wood would a chucking nun chuck if a nun chuck could chuck wood?

**

Why does a certain monkey from space keep misspelling my name?
Poo-flinging bastard.
Posted by Damian G.

We’re hoping to get better at the writing thing. For that reason, we are looking to hire another 999,999,999 monkeys. Please see the job description at Monster.com. We pay top banana.

**

Why can't I stop playing World of Warcraft? I asked this before and you did not help me. Now my problem is even worse!
Posted by Pluto's Dad

I’m not familiar with World of Warcraft, so I’m going to assume you meant Why Can’t I Stop Playing Sid And Marty Kroft Tv-Shows. As you know, they cranked out numerous kids shows that are remember to this very day. In fact, our own SarahK is a member of the Sleestak Fan Club. You should get involved with this. Sleestak is cool.

**

Dear Dr. Duck,
My cousin had a baby before 2 a.m. yesterday morning. I was not informed until 6 p.m. that evening, over 16 hours later. My cousin didn't call me personally to tell me the news either; my dad called me. He gets home from work at 5 p.m. so even if he didn't get the message until then, he still didn't call me right away. Should I suspect a cover-up of my cousin's baby and demand my dad's impeachment and my cousin's resignation?
Posted by Wacky Hermit

Wacky, let me just say this: your cousin is exactly what is wrong with this administration. I’m sure nobody told her about her right to choose. I’m sure nobody cared and now this poor child will be brought into a loving home and showered with love and kindness. What is wrong with you people? BTW, make sure you tell everyone your personal business ASAP – otherwise I’ll just never trust you.

**

Dear Mr. Duck
Would you go hunting with Dick Cheney?
- Minty Fresh in CT
Posted by Tic Tac

You know what, when I first came to this country, I went hunting with Mr. Cheney. Of course, he wasn’t VP at the time. I didn’t speak much English at the time. Good people. He'd say, "Go there!. Come back. He’s Headed Right For Us.” Good people.

**

Dear Dr. Duck,
I can't hide it any longer. It's time to come out of the closet. I voted for Jimmy Carter in 1980. Can I be forgiven for this?
Posted by Silicon Valley Jim

No: Your IP has been banned. You will be allowed to return in 444 days. After that: we'll consider if we can allow Carter voters the constitutional right to marry.

**
Dear Dr. Duck,
Should I major in Computer Science, or Mathematics?
Thanks!
Posted by Ursine East Facing North

Computer science is the field to be in. However, you may want to consider another field – especially if you DON’T live in India. Otherwise – make sure you lean programming and have lots of naked pictures of people. That's where the money is.

Mathematics is good – but if you choose that as a career – you’ll need to make sure you have lots of naked pictures of people. Unless the math formulas can keep you warm at night.

**
Dr. Duck,
Who wins if Miyamato Musashi and Chuck Norris get in a fight?
Posted by Garrett O'Hara

Is this on Chinese or American TV? I say that it would be a draw, Normally Chuck gets the girl, but he’s getting older, so he'd walk off with the girl's grandmother. And Miyamoto walks off cracking funny joke like: "ha ha, funny american man - you go rub her with Ben Gay."

That's good. Excuse me, I have to go work on a script.

**

There you have it. I hope that Dr. Duck has provided you with loving guidance. Remember - just 24 more E-Z Lessons and I'll be a true professional. In the meantime, sit back, relax and tell me - what do you see in these Rorschach blots?

• Currently 0.00/5
• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10

Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)

Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | Stumble It!