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February 21, 2006
Super Happy Fun Partial Birth Abortion FAQ!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:23 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (52)

The Supreme Court is going to take another look at the Constitutionality of bans on partial birth abortion (I guess the new press preferred term is now "a type of late-term abortion"). To help in everyone's understand of the issue (and IMAO is nothing if not a tool for education) I've gotten a doctor who performs late-term abortions to answer questions about this controversy.


Q. Critics call it partial birth abortion. Is that name accurate?
A. The actual medical term for this procedure is "Dilation and Extraction" or simply D&X. The term "partial-birth abortion" was manufactured by opponents of women's health in an attempts to create controversy about the simple procedure of partially delivering a baby and sucking its brains out.

Q. Why don't you call it "brain sucking abortion" instead of D&X?
A. Because that's not medical sounding. Sucking out a baby's brains is a complicated process and requires a complicated name.

Q. Don't babies need brains?
A. It considers what purpose you have in mind for said babies.

Q. Does sucking out a baby's brains cause the baby pain?
A. No. The baby would be too distracted from the pain of being stabbed in the head with scissors (used to make the needed hole in the head) to notice the start of the suction.

Q. How was this procedure invented?
A. A doctor was once watching a horror movie in which aliens attacked earth and sucked people's brains out. He then said, "Hey! We could do that to babies!" I think his name was Steve.

Q. Since the whole body is already out, why not just pull the head out and deliver the baby?
A. For one thing, that defeats the whole point of an abortion. Also, about any doctor could do that, so I simply couldn't charge as much for that procedure. Finally, if I'm just delivering babies, what in the world am I supposed to do with the brain sucking device I spent good money on?

Q. Why not fully deliver the baby and then suck out the brains?
A. Babies that have been fully delivered tend to squirm more and also make more noise. Beyond the practical considerations, though, it's only legally considered an "abortion" if the brains are sucked out while the baby is still partially in the mother. Otherwise, it's "infanticide" which is frowned upon in some cultures.

Q. Do you favor legalizing infanticide?
A. Absolutely not. Then if would be perfectly legal to throw live babies in dumpsters, and it's not like I can charge a high fee for that either.

Q. Some people say it's morally wrong to suck out a baby's brains. What do you say to that?
A. Then why does it feel so right?

Q. I thought the whole point of sucking out the brain matter was to collapse the skull and make the dead fetus easier to deliver, especially in cases of hydrocephalus?
A. Hey, if you want the skull collapsed, that costs extra. The base cost just covers sucking out the brains. Look at the fine print.

Q. Opponents to D&X say that the procedure it never needed to protect a mother's health. What are your views on this?
A. I think that misses the entire point. Whether to have your baby's brains sucked out is a personal choice that should be left between a woman and her doctor. Some say it should be between a woman and her doctor and God, but He tends to be judgmental on these sorts of things and is best left out of the loop. Actually, if He asks, say you had a miscarriage. He might not buy that being this so late in the pregnancy, but it's worth a shot. Whatever you tell Him, though, don't mention my name.

Q. Should the baby have any say in this?
A. It won't after its brains have been sucked out.

Q. Are you ever afraid of being attacked by anti-abortion extremists?
A. If anyone ever tries to blow up my clinic, my staff will hold him down and I'll suck out his brains. I even have a sign out front that says so.

Q. How did you ever get into this line of work in the first place?
A. I've never liked babies (probably goes back to that time I was in a nursery and a pack of them jumped me and stole my wallet), so it just fit. Also, the DeBrainer 2000 salesman was really pushy, and, once you have a brain suction device, what else are you going to do with it?

Q. What are your views on the Constitutionality of D&X?
A. I truly believe that the right to suck the brains out of babies is Constitutionally protected. Admittedly, it's not in there explicitly, but you gotta read between the lines on that document. Don't just take my word for it, though; go read the Fourteenth Amendment over and over and soon you'll start thinking of sucking out brains.

Rating: 3.2/5 (23 votes cast)

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