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February 28, 2006
Frank Advice on Port Security
Posted by Frank J. at 01:07 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (21)

When people first heard that the UAE were going to manage some of our ports, everyone was like, "Whatever." Then, we found out what the 'A' in UAE stands for: Arab! Those crafty Muslims, trying to take over our ports without us noticing; they're almost as sneaky as the joooos.

Now, people are concerned about port security, thus leaving it to me to tell everyone what to do:


* Remember: Ports involve delivery with ships, so, if some other vehicle than a ship comes into your port, treat it with suspicion.

* Muslim extremists could infiltrate your port and blend in with the workers. Every so often, you should yell out "Hey, Mohammed!" and see if anyone turns his head in response. Also, you might want to yell out, "Hey, Bruce!" to see if you've been infiltrated by filthy, thieving Australians.

* Just because someone went through all the trouble of painting "Not WMDs" on a crate, doesn't mean it's true. You might want to consider inspecting that one.

* Muslim extremists hate cartoon depictions of the prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him), so put an unflattering comic about Mohammed on your door. If anyone tries to kill you over it, treat that person with suspicion.

* Remember: Just because someone is Arab doesn't mean that he is a Muslim; in fact, the huge majority of Arabs in America are Christian, so, when you see an Arab, you should be more worried about a Christian extremist who will chat off your ear about "The Bible." To shut him up, just tell him you have "The Bible: The Movie" on your Netflix list and you don't want him to spoil it for you.

* SPOILER: Jesus gets killed. Ha, bet you thought they wouldn't kill off the main character.

* Don't jump to conclusions. If you hear people saying stuff like, "We're going to steal the port," "Let's take over the port," or "I'm going to smuggle WMDs in the port," they could just be talking about port wine.

* Though you don't have enough time to check every crate, don't just check the first two crates from each shipment; terrorists could use that predictability against you. Sometimes, check the third and fourth crates instead. Don't bother with the fifth and sixth crates because, even if they have WMDs in them, you'll probably die of old age before the union workers finally unload them.

* SPOILER: Jesus comes back to life! Yes, it might seem a bit cheesy like with Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, but, if you paid attention, there was plenty of foreshadowing.

* Terrorist want to smuggle a nuclear bomb into America, so, if you find a nuclear bomb in one of your inspections, make sure it's on the manifest.

* Every so often, walk among the workers asking, "Anyone know where to score some WMDs?" Maybe someone will slip up.

* Since you're right near the water, you might want to enlist the help of Aquaman so he can swim around and... uh... On second thought, try flashing the Bat Signal.

* Another way terrorists may attack us is by smuggling in Ebola infected monkeys. So, make sure you have bananas - bananas for the monkeys.

* Monkeys like bananas.

* If you think one of the workers at the port is holding back information, you should consider beating him with a rubber hose until he talks. It's a good idea to check union rules on that first.

* Remember: Port security starts with you. Don't just say, "Well I don't need to find smuggled WMDs; Jack Bauer from CTU will handle it just in time." Jack Bauer is busy and needs sleep, so do your job!


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