So here it is. Boys v. girls. Bigger stage. Bigger band. Bigger beating.

Oh, and of course we get to start off with the horrible montage of all the top 12 making it and doing the *oh! tear!* bull. And here are the contestants, who all now have personal stylists. For the most part, they look better. Chris is the only one fairly unchanged, because he already had the style and class.

No, Ryan, I did not pick out this top 12. Namely, Kellie Pickler. More on that earsore later.

And after the introduction of the judges, I am reminded that tonight's horrible theme is Stevie Wonder night. Let's make something very clear: I heart heart heart Stevie Wonder. He's brilliant. But any time a contestant does Stevie on this show, they either butcher the song, or try to mellow it out. MELLOW OUT STEVIE WONDER! And I'm not sure there's ever been a contestant who sang Stevie and didn't get the "song choice" critique. So I don't want to hear word one about song choice from Randy, who's not gonna be feelin' it, Dawg, or from Paula, who just has no ability to criticize a performance, so usually cops out with saying "You know, I love you, you're so great, but it just wasn't the right song for you. I'm sorry." in a quiet voice.

Oh, and look! Stevie surprised the contestants by showing up while they were at the piano to say hi. And Earsore had the glycerin and onions handy for the spectacle tears! She must be a boyscout. Always prepared.

LOL! Ryan just said that tonight will have 12 songs from 12 of the best undiscovered talents. Um, best, Ryan? *cough* Kellie Pickler! *cough* Ace Young! *cough* Kevin Covais!

IDOLS 01... Ace is the first to sing tonight. He's singing "Do I Do". The first half wasn't as horribly out of tune. When he started walking into the crowd, that all changed. Dude. If you can't walk and sing at the same time, stay in one place, or do the seventh grade dance thing where you sway back and forth from foot to foot. Anyway, booooooring.

[NUMBER WITHHELD FOR ALL ETERNITY THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE]... Kellie Pickler is up next. "I'm not familiar with Stevie Wonder, in all honesty. I mean, I never seen a negro in person before! And he wears sunglasses all the time inside, which is really weird. Is that a brown people thang?" She's gonna sing "Blame it on the Sun". LOL, Stevie is such a nice guy! He totally just insulted the Earsore on the camera, but he said it in such a way that Earsore will never ever be able to look up all those big words in the dictionary (the what??) to understand his meaning. EVERYONE IS HEREBY COMMANDED TO SING STEVIE WONDER SONGS HEREAFTER EVERY WEEK ON THIS SHOW! He's my new favorite. Ok, here's the quote: "She sounds like she will have a lotta fun with it. I think that she'll have the right kind of spirit... to sing the song, if she works with her intonation... it'll be a pretty good delivery." Translation: "Dude, I'm struggling here. How do I say this nice? She's really out of tune, someone hit that girl with a tuning fork, quick. But hey, at least she'll look good singing it. Far as I know, anyway." Good grief, it's like Kim Bauer to the 14th power. Ok, all you people voting for her: Take in the performances with your eyes closed. She's not pretty enough to overlook the horrible vocals. This is boring and awful, even for her. And she has something in her eyes. Holy, how many times can you wink in one phrase? Who wants to bet she says she's sick tonight. Even Randy is calling it a non-event. She is soooo fake smiling right now, trying to keep herself from throwing the microphone at Randy. Finally, the judges have taken their meds, or stopped drinking their dinners, or turned on their hearing aids and given her a bad judging. Even Ryan can't be nice. All he can say is that Simon has no business insulting the way she looks. Oh well, Kellie, maybe you can go backstage and try to outsmart a sack of bricks. You might come in second! What a cartoon.

IDOLS 03... Elliott Yamin is next, and he is crying for real after meeting Stevie Wonder. Stevie likes Elliott. He's singing "Knocks Me Off My Feet". He has really good lungs and vocal chords. And they are shining blue lights on him, and it looks like his super-sheen hair is blue. This is pretty boring, but the vocals are good at least. And the ending is good. Speaking of good endings, tonight would be a really good night for Kellie to end her stay on my TV screen. One thing on Elliott... Please no more white jackets, you look like a waiter at a fancy restaurant. Next week, if you wear a cumberbund, or wear a towel over your arm, I'm out.

IDOLS 04... Mandisa says the judges are kinda hard to please tonight. Not so much, you could just sing your ABCs and be the best tonight. Stevie says she's right on pitch singing his song "Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing". (He left out the part about, "Unlike that farm girl with the intonation problems and the fakey fakeness." Ryan has taken off Mandisa's horribly uncomfy shoes (because they were so cute that they had to be killing her!), so she's singing barefoot. She's awesome and actually doing her own thing with the song. The first non-boring song tonight. Woo! Oops, the Taylor in me escaped for a second. She looks great (I LOVE that necklace, and she does look great in black).

IDOLS 05... Bucky Covington is next. Thank goodness, someone finally combed that hair. Now if only we could get someone to shave that penciled-in mustache, I'd be happy. Loves Elvis. I'm out. He's singing "Superstitious", which I think is on one of our karaoke video games. Wow, his hair is so nice and fluffy and pretty now! He must use Garnier Fructis like me. That stuff rocks, Bucky, I hear ya. You know what it is about Bucky that will keep him from getting very far? He has a good voice, yes, and it's gravely, yes, but he's too quiet. It's almost like he's singing to himself in the back of an art history class so the professor won't hear it. Just not a strong voice. The performance was fine, but eh. He looks good, though. That color is good on him. Shave the smudge! Bad Simon! He just insulted the finally-combed hair! And Bucky faux-pased by blaming the stylist. Shame.

IDOLS 06... Melissa McGhee is next. Haha, Melissa is wearing an "Everyone Loves a Brunette" shirt. I wonder if she and miss "Everyone Loves a Blonde" Earsore went shopping together, or if she's frontin'. She's singing "Lately". Melissa has a good voice. Ouch, a few bad notes in there. I thought it was a bit boring, but not nearly as boring as Kellie (and way more in tune).

IDOLS 07... Lisa Tucker is singing "Signed, Sealed, Delivered". Wow, this is a first. She's a bit out of tune tonight, very surprising. I don't know why, because Lisa has a great voice and a pretty good presence, but she's very forgettable to me. Every week, I don't think about her until they announce she's singing, and I go, "Oh yeah! Her! I forgot about her." That's a very bad sign. This was very forgettable until the last phrase, which was good. Hmm, Randy's talking about how most of the Stevie songs tonight have sounded very karaoke. Wonder why. Who picks the themes? Not SarahK.

Have I mentioned how happy I am that Earsore has already sung, so I'm not dreading her coming up? Then again, Ryan just said that the Kindergartener is next.

IDOLS 08... Scrappy Doo is the worst of the guys for sure. Thank goodness they did something with his hair, though. Kevin is trying to push the myth that he's a sex symbol, and he's really, truly going to butcher "Part-Time Lover". "Kevin had a very interesting kind of voice. Kevin brought a great sense of fun to the song. Little Kevin!" That sure sounds like an Earsore review by Stevie Wonder. He's horrible. My ears hurt. My eyes hurt. My SOUL hurts. It's funny when the judges keep stressing "You sang in tune, and you sang in tune, and wow, like, you sang in tune. I can't believe it. You sang in tune." And that's from Paula and Randy, who apparently wore the earplugs tonight. Ugh, did I mention my SOUL hurts?? Hurts bad.

IDOLS 09... Katharine McPhee. So excited about Stevie Wonder. Don't worry, Katharine, everyone else has to sing a Stevie song too. This time, though, you didn't choose to have a horrible song choice. She's singing "Until You Come Back to Me". Someone hit her in both her eyes, and she stole one of June Carter's dresses for tonight's performance. She looks so pregnant tonight, and she's already said that she's not, but after this dress, I'm not sure I'm buying that... Why wear a '70s maternity dress if you're not preggers? BTW, she reminds me, in her mannerisms, of Jennifer Garner. Has that same kind of tomboyish-giggly-fake-sweet thing going on. Like "Whoops, am I talented? I had no idea! Look, I broke my shoe! Whoops, I fake-tripped at the Oscars so I could say I do my own stunts!" Anyway, she has a really great voice. But this was amazingly boring tonight. She's playing it safe every single night, and she's pretty much lost me. Two words: Ruben Studdard. I only even remember his name because I was so fed up with him never taking a chance and singing for real. Good grief, could you sing like you're in the shower, or on the open road with no one around? Pretend no one's listening and sing. *eye roll*

IDOLS 10... Taylor Hicks is singing "Living for the City". He's the winner of the Captain Tightpants award tonight. Someone dressed him in Scrappy Doo's pants. Whoa, he's not wooing. Has he even woo'd once? This is a very strong, soulful vocal... The dancing is getting out of control, and we're about to agree that I'll just listen with my eyes closed from here on out. The singing was great, though. Incredibly soulful. Best of the night, hands down. Simon, stop calling him old! He's my age! The Drunken Dad Who Can Sing. TDDWCS. Whoops, one of the stylists wants to change his hair color. Please, y'all, not Elvis-black. I'll barf if y'all do that to Taylor. Just leave it alone.

IDOLS 11... Paris is singing "All I Do". She was good, but it sounded like all one note. A great D or D-flat or something like that, but all the same note. Fairly bland. And Paula calls her "seasoned". No, Paula, I said bland, which is the opposite of seasoned. Maybe it's the pink jacket. It hurts my pupils.

IDOLS 12... Chris will be singing last tonight. Nuh-uhhhh. Did they take away his soul-patch? Or did he shave it while mourning the death of Soul-Patch Tony, who could be dead for reals on 24. Fox, you're killing me. No wait, the soul-patch is alive and kicking, they just took off all the smudges. Whew, I was gonna be sad. This is really good. Whoa, was that a super-out-of-tune phrase there? It was weird, I don't know what to think. Anyway, he's fantastic, a complete natural performer. Yay.

So the order tonight...

Chris*
Taylor*
Mandisa*
Paris
Elliott
Katharine
Lisa
Melissa
Bucky
Ace
Scrappy Doo (that's Kevin, for the light of wit)
Kellie Fakeler

My prediction. Wow, it's hard, because Kellie was so horrible that people might be willing to overlook the hot factor and not vote for her. But Scrappy is such a joke... And Melissa just eeked into the top 12. I'ma go with Kellie and pray real hard.

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Rating: 2.0/5 (8 votes cast)

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