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March 16, 2006
Killing Baby Seals. FAQ
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:33 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (75)

Very soon, Canada will allow thousands of baby seals to be hunted down and killed. Singer and activist Sir Paul McCartney, is working to draw attention to this situation. We here at IMAO aren’t just about writing tasteless jokes, unbalanced viewpoints, and cheap thrills: We also do a podcast.

There’s a very important reason (beyond recreation) why the Canadian government allows the thinning of these herds. If left to their own devices (and seals do indeed have devices hidden somewhere) these seals would grow at such an alarming rate that eventually, you’d have to face the most dreaded of all realities – redrawing voting districts.

With that said, IMAO presents the ultimate Baby Seal Killing FAQ

Is it wrong to kill a baby seal?
Of course it is. With the allotted amount set at 320,000 dead seals there’s no excuse for bagging just one.

No, I mean morally. Is it wrong?
Don’t fool yourself. If these seals had half a chance, they’d not only kill you – they’d eat your liver and drink it down with a bottle of Seal Chianti.

I would feel bad whacking these seals repeatedly until they died.
Are you talking about repetitive stress syndrome?

No. That moral thing again.
Sigh. Not all of the seals will die. Just the ones chosen by nature to not move on. After repeated whacking, some of these seals will evolve a thick exoskeleton (which brings good money on the black market) others will evolve faster flippers, and in some cases, will develop a mutant growth in the shape of a civil rights attorney.

Why kill them?
Anything with a chance to become an attorney deserves to die.

Is there any hope for these little Canadian seals?
Some of them do manage to sneak into America where they apply for amnesty.

Then what happens?
We keep the ones that have necessary job skills, like playing Yankee Doodle Dandy on the horns. Unfortunately, more and more those jobs are being taken my Mexican Illegal Seals who do the job Canadians Seals won’t do.

After I went on the seal hunt last year – I think I felt guilty. What should I do?
Many times guilt is confused with the common head cold. I would suggest that this year you bundle up. Try wearing fur.

You told me that last year – and they ended up confusing me for a seal.

Oh yeah. We thought you looked familiiar. Anyway -Who wears seal fur to a seal bashing? That is sooo Last Years Republican Convention. But it does bring up a point – Safety. Be careful you’re not bashing another human being. That would be wrong. The correct noises to listen for are:
1. Urrgh
2. Ooogh.
3. “I’m a Lawyer”.

You might be hitting the wrong creature if you hear things like,
1. “ooch”
2. “ouch”
3. “But I performed at the Super Bowl.”

Can you cook seal?
I don’t know. We just do it for the killin’. Besides – cookin’ is Woman’s work. So we wouldn’t know.

What do you do with a seal once you kill it?
We don’t know. Leave it there and keep killing.

What’s the silliest thing you ever heard done with a Canadian Seal?
Last year, a couple from Florida took one home and expected it to get along with their cats.

Are there any other advantages to killing these baby seals?
Sure, it’s an athletic activity. It helps you work out your muscles, increase your heart rate and lower cholesterol (Note: this statement not evaluated by the FDA)

What would it take to make seal bashing a legitimate Olympic sport?
If you were the typical Olympic viewer – it would take more ruffled shirts.
Or people with little brooms running in front of the seals – or is that behind?
If you’re Bryant Gumbel seal bashing wold only be a real Olympic sport if it had more black athletes.

How could we make Bryant happy?
Kill just the white seals.

You talked me into it. I’d like to go up to Canada and take a Seal Beating Vacation? How do I set up a tour?
You can book a local tour operator. Or you can contact the people at Disney Vacations.

How do I know the tour operator isn’t some crazed activist that’s going to hijack me?
Most tour operators will send a car to pick up you at the airport. You're only in trouble if your driver is Ted Kennedy. And Dick Cheney is riding shotgun.

Would it stop the killing if Hollywood made more films about this?
Hollywood tried – but they couldn’t find any seals that were gay.

We hope that this guide has been informative. Hardly any seals were harmed in the making of this post. If you'd like to stop the senseless killing of these seals please send cash to IMAO headquarters and we'll think about doing something.

Yes, we are awful. That's why you can't stop coming back again and again.

Rating: 2.4/5 (47 votes cast)

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