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March 18, 2006
Everything You've Always Wanted to Know About Instapundit, But Were Too Afraid to Ask
Sure, you know about the puppy blending, hobo-murdering, Satan-worshipping, commie praising, robot dancing, Frank J. punching, and penguin porn, but here are some things you DIDN'T know about Glenn Reynolds: * Glenn Reynolds can crash you server just by thinking about linking to you. * Glenn Reynolds writes Garfield fan-strips, all of which end with Odie getting stuffed into a blender. * They're STILL less predictable than the ones Jim Davis writes. * You know that asteroid belt between Mars & Jupiter? That used to be a planet until Glenn Reynolds thought about linking to it. * The KKK was completely harmless until Glenn Reynolds suggested that they put eye-holes in their hoods. * Spammers originally got the idea for sending out a million e-mails per day by watching Glenn Reynolds post at Instapundit. * It was Glenn Reynolds who first said to William Hung - "You've got talent. Go audition for American Idol." * Satan's biggest fear is that he'll have to spend eternity with Glenn Reynolds after he dies. * Glenn Reynolds' glasses are the only thing keeping his laser vision from incinerating the universe. * Glenn Reynolds once deflected a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick by thinking about linking to it. * Glenn Reynolds murdered Socrates by telling him his cup of hemlock was actually a Starbucks Iced White Chocolate Macchiato * Nuclear bombs fear Glenn Reynolds going off on them. * There's more than one way to skin a cat, and they were all discovered by Glenn Reynolds. * Glenn Reynolds is the leader of the terrorist group Hehmas. * One drop of Glenn Reynolds' bath water contains enough residual evil to de-sanctify Vatican City. * Puppy blood is the secret ingredient in Insta-Cola. * When CNN interviews Glenn Reynolds, they have to put special filters on the camera lenses, lest TV viewers be turned to stone. * As for the fate of the audience in the studio... now you know where garden gnomes come from. * Glenn Reynolds' remote control only has one button. When he presses it, his TV automatically tunes to the evilest show available. * Usually "Full House". * Glenn Reynolds' printer is a Hewlett-Packed BloodJet model 900. * Spelling "Glenn Reynolds" on a Scrabble board will summon the demon Atazoth who - legends say - will exact retribution on the Overworld by getting Hillary elected in '08. * Google recently changed their motto to "Don't be Glenn Reynolds". * Glenn Reynolds personally hand-stitched Janet Jackson's Superbowl outfit. * The blind leading the blind isn't so bad... Glenn Reynolds likes leading them into traffic during rush hour. * In Glenn Reynolds' DVD collection, "Schindler's List" is filed under "Comedy", right between "Saw 2" and "Scream". * Glenn Reynolds taught Senator Palpatine how to do that fingertip-lightning thing. * The Lemarchand Box in "Hellraiser" is a device used by Cenobites to summon Glenn Reynolds. * Glenn Reynolds never thought about linking to Martha Stewart, but he DID send her an e-mail on December 26, 2001, that was completly blank except for the word "Sell". * Glenn Reynolds introduced Bill to Monica. * Good things come to those who wait - unless Glenn Reynolds steals them first. * Glenn Reynolds never actually punched Frank J. - he got Frank J. to punch himself by thinking about linking to him. I wonder what would happen if I spelled "Frank J." on a Scrabble board... 24 Responses To "Everything You've Always Wanted to Know About Instapundit, But Were Too Afraid to Ask"
" Glenn Reynolds is the leader of the terrorist group Hehmas." I'm new here. Who is this Glenn Reynolds? He sounds worse the Lord John Whorfin! #3 - Posted by: madhun on March 18, 2006 02:30 PM>One drop of Glenn Reynolds' bath water contains enough residual evil to de-sanctify Vatican City. But would it be enough to get the stench of hobos out of Rome? Hmmm... that gives me an idea. *searches for a way to get Glenn a trip to Rome* #4 - Posted by: Francesco Poli on March 18, 2006 03:06 PMo my gosh! we are all doomed! my friend Kerrigan Joseph (karjaneth@gmail.com) spelt Glenn Reynolds on a scrabble board (we were wondering who that huge demon looking guy was that appeared). This is horrible! I told him not to do it! #5 - Posted by: Garrett DeMeyer on March 18, 2006 04:28 PMGlenn Reynolds is the leader of the terrorist group Hehmas. Owwwww!!! Beer. Blast you, Harvey!!! *shakes fist that has beer spewed on it* #6 - Posted by: jimmyb on March 18, 2006 07:19 PMSarahK, You've got talent. You should try out for American Idol. #7 - Posted by: motopolitico on March 18, 2006 07:31 PMI realize I'm off topic, but apparently the "Bloggies" is just as bad as the Oscars. Which probably explains why I've enver heard of them until now. #8 - Posted by: Tristan on March 18, 2006 07:36 PMHey, you forgot one: Glenn Reynolds takes styling tips from this guy, and even bought his glasses. #9 - Posted by: jimbo on March 19, 2006 04:55 AMAlso, Glenn Reynolds thinks a University in Tennessee counts as a real university. #10 - Posted by: jimbo on March 19, 2006 05:14 AM[Anonymous, off-topic race-baiting poem relegated to the Museum] #11 - Posted by: on March 19, 2006 05:23 AMI just spelled "Frank J." on a scrabble board and SarahKJ appeared and made me hunt down Frank and punch him in the face because the "a" in Frank was also used to spell Malkin. #12 - Posted by: Brian the Adequate on March 19, 2006 07:39 AM>conservative motto Just because liberals got a stranglehold on art doesn't mean all liberals are good artists. On the contrary. The awful attempt at poetry above is a very good example. #13 - Posted by: Francesco Poli on March 19, 2006 10:33 AMjust because repugs have a stronghold on guns and violence, doesn't mean liberals don't cheer when we watch American troops getting sinped on a video we donwloaded from limewire. Great popcorn flick guys! #14 - Posted by: jimbo on March 19, 2006 11:49 AM* Glenn Reynolds' remote control only has one button. When he presses it, his TV automatically tunes to the evilest show available. * Usually "Full House". Full House? Huh, coulda sworn it'd go for Happy Tree Friends (http://mondo.happytreefriends.com), though I've never seen Full House for a comparison. Nice update to the Glenn Reynolds file! #15 - Posted by: Clintodon on March 19, 2006 04:18 PMFull House is where the Olsen Twins originated, therefore it - and NOT money - is the root of all evil. And I'll not stand for you calling Happy Tree Friends evil. It's the best thing to happen to animation since Itchy & Scratchy :-) #16 - Posted by: Harvey on March 19, 2006 11:30 PM>just because repugs have a stronghold on guns and violence Rethorical question: if there wasn't the internet to anonymize liberals, would any of them have the balls* to talk down to an eeevil repuke with guns up the wazoo? * The "have balls" part is what makes this a rethorical question. #17 - Posted by: Francesco Poli on March 20, 2006 08:40 AMI once spelled "Frank J" on a Scrabble board just to see what would happen. It made me piss my pants and forget who I was for about a half-hour or so. #18 - Posted by: Pat Rand on March 20, 2006 08:44 AM"They're STILL less predictable than the ones Jim Davis writes" haha. I used to like Garfield, but he's just not funny anymore. "The KKK was completely harmless until Glenn Reynolds suggested that they put eye-holes in their hoods." LOL! "* Glenn Reynolds once deflected a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick by thinking about linking to it." Heh. This one slays me! Just like Chuck is going to slay you for doubting the power of his Roundhouse Kick. Oddly enough, he will kill you with the self-same method you mocked so impudently. Hah! #21 - Posted by: DesertElephant on March 20, 2006 02:52 PMSorry Francesco. I didn't know you owned one, or maybe several, gun(s). I now know you have real big balls, as it takes big fuckin cahonies to own and use a gun. Kinda like the simply brilliant sniper (hee hee...unsuspecting American troops taking bullets to the head...precious) on the video. Would you like to come over and watch the video? I'm sure you'll find his balls to your liking. #22 - Posted by: Jimbo on March 21, 2006 05:25 AM"* The "have balls" part is what makes this a rethorical question." Perhaps you meant to say HYPOTHETICAL, you dumb Gino moron. Try not to use your brain RIGHT after your 10-hour siesta. Or at least look up the definition of a word if you have never used it before. #23 - Posted by: on March 21, 2006 08:05 AMI love trolls! I love them so much, I just want to buy them all one way tickets to Baquba(SP?) to spend quality time with their freedom fighting friends. I'm sure the discussions and debates on the tenets of Atheism will go down very well. #24 - Posted by: DesertElephant on March 21, 2006 09:49 AMPost a comment
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