Ryan's dressed up like he's going somewhere important, but Ryan, you're just gonna hear the Earsore sing, so big whoop.

Do I have to stress YET AGAIN that I don't like Kellie Pickler because she's a fake moron and CAN'T SING. Yes, I agree, she's hot. Big deal, so is Carrie Underwood, and I love her.

Oh wow, Taylor is wearing the suit that his dad wore to the prom many moons ago. Oh, the songs are from the '50s, that would explain it.

Simon thinks Taylor, Chris, and Kellie are going to be the top 3. That's what I read he said this weekend anyway. Lemme tell you, picking Kellie over Mandisa or Lisa or Katharine? Simon's finally had enough of Paula and stoled her vodka.

Ok, so Barry Manilow coached everyone, which is different from it being Barry Manilow songs night. So I'm ok with this.

IDOLS 01... Mandisa is singing Dinah Washington's "I Don't Hurt Anymore". She looks great, she sings great. It was a little rough at the end, but she faked it well. When she went off key, she just pretended she meant to do that. And that's what a star does. And she's a star. Even Simon loves her tonight. Uh-oh, he just called her sexy; she's soooo embarrassed by that. Good girl. I adore her. Mandiva, how cute. She's too nice to call a diva, though. That's a good thing.

IDOLS 02... Bucky is doing "Oh Boy" by Buddy Holly. His voice is still too quiet. Hair is good tonight. Still looks washed, but not curly. So he's using the Garnier Fructis conditioner but not the smoothing milk. This is boring, and he's still way too quiet. After the keychange, off-key a lot. He's definitely going to be on the bubble tonight. He really just sounds like he's trying to sing and not get heard. Simon's right, it didn't make an impression. :-(

I love HDTV. I mean, I can see allllllll of Paula's lipgloss. Really, I think on HD, they can see it in Paris.

IDOLS 03... Speaking of Paris, she's next. She's doing Peggy Lee's "Fever". Oh my goodness, what did they do to her hair? I love the dress. The earrings are all wrong. For such a classy and grownup dress, you want earrings that don't look like you made them. Shoes are great, they must be killing her. Ok, first half was extremely boring, hence the focus on the appearance. The second half was good, end was great.

IDOLS 04... When Ryan said Chris would be doing Johnny Cash, Frank and I both got excited. Anyway, he's singing "I Walk the LIne". Oooh, he's wearing black too. Eeeeee! He seems nervous, but this is great. We'd by that single. That was more exciting than Johnny Cash's version. Was that him covering someone's cover version of the song, or was it his original cover? I'm asking because I don't know, and if he came up with that, bravo. Bravo anyway.

IDOLS 05... Katharine is doing "Come Rain or Come Shine" of Ella Fitzgerald. You know, I love that she does rehearse-and-interview day in her sweats with little or no makeup. That was good. Her hair is gorgeous. I hate the dress, but she looks beautiful. For the record, she's way hotter than Kellie Pickler, and I don't hate her. I hate her song choices (usually). She was much better tonight than usual (should have left off the very last phrase if I'm being honest). I still think she can do more than she's doing, and I'm still hearing Ruben in the back of my mind. I think she's coming around, but really. Katharine, you know you can belt better than that. Please do so.

IDOLS 06... Taylor is doing Buddy Holly's "Not Fade Away". And he's wearing a hideous baby blue grey suit thingy. Cap'n Tightpants yet again (really, someone tell that kid to buy bigger pants!). First half of the song is boring. Really boring. Ok, if'n I'm being honest, that was his worst performance to date. His voice wasn't there. Oh help me, what is that face Paula is making. They really should let Simon speak, since he's the only judge who has anything useful to say.

Paula... she really just makes me tired. I loved Simon shushing her. That's how we discipline our dog. I'm not sure if it works on clap-happy seals, though. She really took the giggle juice tonight.

IDOLS 07... Lisa Tucker is going to sing "Why Do Fools Fall in Love?". Off the top of my head, I'd say bad song choice. Boring song for this show. Maybe she and Barry can pull something out. BTW, Barry is just a great musician all around. (That's not permission for AI to have another Barry-songs themed night.) You know, I'd be fine if they replaced Paula with him. Why does she wear knee-shorts on stage? Lisa, that is. She was dressed better for meeting Barry than for her performance. She has great pipes, but... I dunno, when you're trying to make everyone forget you're a kid and you already have trouble picking forgettable songs, you should try to dress less like you're going to the schoolyard for a game of four square. Man, I loved that game.

IDOLS 08... Scrappy Doo is singing "When I Fall in Love". Ok, I think he's trying to look mature? What's with the hand in the pocket? You know what's bad is that the big notes are decently on-key, while the other notes are sharp. Ok, except that one big note right near the end. That was definitely pitchy, Dawg. Ok, earlier, I was gonna bring up Jasmine and how Kellie is like her, but then I decided that would be mean. But now that they've shown her in the audience, I feel she's free game. Kellie is like Jasmine, except Jasmine was better. There, that's how awful Kellie is.

IDOLS 09... Elliott is next. Wait, how could someone who sings like Elliott not have liked Barry's music before meeting him? Silly boy. Anyway, it's good he's turned around. Say, did y'all know that Elliott and Kevin are both diabetic? It's amazing what you learn on the AI website. But lemme tell y'all, that website's not as funny as this one. Elliott's singing "Teach Me Tonight". You know, Elliott and Chris have the best voices of all the men in the contest, no question. The first part of the song was blah, but it picked up. Wasn't his best, but it was good. He has a song choice problem that he really needs to remedy.

[NUMBER STILL WITHHELD BECAUSE ETERNITY IS NOT YET OVER AND UNLIKE SIMON, I HAVEN'T LOST MY EVERLOVING MIND]... Next up, Kellie Pickler is going straight to hell, because she's going to butcher Patsy Cline. Good mama, help me not faint, who in the world has never heard "Walking After Midnight" by Patsy Cline? Were you under a rock for all of the second half of the last century, Barry? It's only slightly less well-known than "Crazy". "Because she's so young, Kellie had to be reminded what the song is about." Translation: "Kellie's an idiot." Well, she looks good anyway. I'm sure that in somebody's world, that equates to vocal talent. And oh yes, soooo many innocent country girls dance like that. Hell. Straight to hell. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

This show has become a nightmare. A trainwreck. I have lost all respect for Simon. Why don't they just kill Chloe while they're at it.

IDOLS 11... Ace is going to do "In the Still of the Night". My soul already hurts after Earsore, I'm not sure I can bear it. Well whaddaya know. Miracles happen. Ace didn't suck. That was actually great. He only did the falsetto for the one big note right at the end. I'm in shock, that was great. I have to give props. A couple of out of tune notes, but I mean, I'm just so shocked that he didn't suck that I might vote for him.

Vocally tonight:
Chris*
Mandisa*
Paris* - Frank thinks this was voteworthy, I don't.
Katharine* - I don't think this was voteworthy and was not as good as she could have done, but I feel guilty voting for Ace and not Katharine and Paris. They've been consistently better than him...
Ace* - But if he has sex with the camera one more time tonight, I'm taking it back.
Elliott* - His song choices have to improve or I'll stop voting for him next week. No more messing around, Elliott.
Lisa
Scrappy - I hate putting him above Taylor, but Taylor didn't even sing tonight.
Taylor - I'm sorry, I can't vote for him tonight. I can't get behind such a lazy vocal.
Kellie - I can't believe I'm saying she was better than Bucky. I must have forgotten my hormone shot. Or maybe the pit bull just beat me down too much today.
Bucky

I think Bucky has a big enough following, Taylor's not going home, and some tone-deaf folks like Kellie, so I predict Lisa goes home. I wanna hear about your pickled suntan.

UPDATE: LOL, I left out Scrappy Doo. Lemme just add him...

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Rating: 2.2/5 (6 votes cast)

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