ABC News' John R. Green (In case you're wondering exactly who this guy is, ask him at john.r.green@abc.com) is apparently allergic to President Bush somehow.

In an email back in September 2004, he wrote:

"Are you watching this? Bush makes me sick. If he uses the 'mixed messages' line one more time, I'm going to puke."

Now, in Green's defense, one cannot immediately assume that when he wrote Bush it was refering to President Bush. After all, Barbara Bush sorta looks like George Washington these days, so it's not uncommon for someone to mistake the veterable matron of our First Family's dynasty for a man.

Then there's the possibility that he was watching one of those Bush Baked Beans commercials. You know, where the guy tries to keep his dog Duke from divulging the family secret recipe for baked beans. But in that case, Green should have said "If he uses the 'roll that beautiful bean footage' line one more time" instead of what he said. Unless he had the sound turned down and the Closed Captioners were smoking crack that day, of course (It could happen)

One could also determine that Green meant to write Busch instead of Bush. Believe me, I've known plenty of executive producers, and their spelling leaves a lot to be desired. And if you're drinking Busch at 11 in the morning like this guy would have been, yeah, it's going to make you really sick no matter what you're watching. Plus, you're very likely to miss the C key on your keyboard when writing emails blitzed on Busch, let alone the urinal when you're finished with that Busch beer at noon.

Now I've assuming here that the B is capitalized in Bush because it's a proper name. But as we all know, assuming makes an ass out of you and Spacemonkey. So, since it comes at the start of a sentence, it could actually be just a bush. Lower-case b, the thing that God set on fire to spook the pants off of Moses (although it was a Burning Bush in that case... never mind)

If we follow this possibility, instead of "Bush makes me sick" it's "bush makes me sick." Like he's fruity or something...

Nah. Gays in television? Perish the thought. Next thing you know, they'll hire Jews.

Another meaning for bush is a sexual one, which suggests he was watching low-budget, crackwhore-on-midget pornography while at work. Hrm...

I'd just as well assume it's the last example in this case, and you should to. After all, even though ABC News has biased and unashamed leftists like Mike Halperin on the payroll as a Political Director, ABC News' decades-long reputation as the most-watched news source for Americans should speak for itself and allay any fears that there are biased and angry moonbats on the staff masquerading as television professionals. Especially now that their smug chainsmoking Canadian is dead.

This doesn't quite explain the whole "mixed messages" phrase all that much, even though that phrase could be a turn-on if you say it in a deep, sultry voice...

And there you go. With all this in mind, if you come across titles such as "Mixed Messages In Bondage" or "Meaty Bouncy Mixed Messages" while shopping for pornography, I'd strongly suggest steering away from that title. Look for some kind of Seal Of Approval on the cover, or at least a random bodily fluid stain to show that someone approved of the contents.

This has been a public service message from your friend, Laurence Simon. NOW GO TO BED!

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