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March 28, 2006
Don't worry: You'll have an opinion some day.
Let’s talk about the issues. Illegal immigration. Gay marriage. The war in Iraq. I want to know what you think. Tell me. (Two second pause) Ha ha!! Fooled you. You’re not a pro – so I don’t CARE what you think. I say this because professional crackpot (and syndicated columnist) Molly Ivins has chimed in with something I’ve long suspected: you bloggers should not be allowed to have opinions. Don’t believe me? Follow this link.(Hat Tip: Betsy's Page) Here’s my favorite quote:
You’re probably thinking: Isn’t Molly Ivins the one who said the United States had killed more civilians than Saddam Hussein? Then she ended up eating crow and apologizing to all those people who risk their lives so she can skip her medication and sit at her computer? Shows you what YOU know – that would be a fact, not that you’d know it because YOU’RE not a professional reporter. Thusly, you’re not allowed to have an opinion unless you can report on a five car pile up. So would you like to try? As a guide, I've compiled a collection of “professional news organizations” and how they would cover the same event. Your opinion please: A Primer on Being a Real Reporter… CBS News. It has been reported that there is a five car pile up on highway 128. We believe that’s the exact highway that President Bush would have used had he ever bothered to report for his National Guard service during the Vietnam War. Unfortunately, the technology does not exist to know if the cars involved were modern cars or cars from 1972. We apologize in advance for not having details but we needed to get this story out ASAP. SF Chronicle. In a surprise that was a surprise to no one, 5 cars piled up on Highway 128 yesterday afternoon. Said one witness, “It was amazing. One car stopped. Then another one plowed right into his rear end. And then another guy piled right into his backside.” The incident was caught on film and has been nominated for an Academy Award. “We feel it should stand a good chance unless the Academy gets a sudden bout of homophobia.” No drivers were hurt in the accident as they all practiced safe driving.
Hannity and Colmes. Redstate.org. Posted by Ben "I only plagiarized a little" Domenech. Los Angeles Times: Highway 128 experienced a horrible accident when five cars, driven by potentially undocumented workers were involved in a pile-up. We emphasize that the immigrants probably owned the land long before the white man took it away and should in no way be held responsible in any way. No foul play is suspected as the vehicles were not SUVs. A rally will be held in downtown Los Angeles to show support for the drivers. New York Times. In a growing sign of civil war, and adding to the woes of the Bush Administration, five cars piled up somewhere along highway 128. Said one unnamed source, “We hope this is not a sign that we are slipping into a civil war, but it probably is and I warned everyone about it and nobody listened.” This unnamed source will have a book coming out soon which we will feature on page one provided it blames the Bush administration directly. We contacted the Pentagon to see if it’s possible to issue body armor to civilians on highway 128. No calls were returned. CNN News. New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin, held a press conference today to sympathize with those accident victims in a 1,500 car pile up. “There could be tens of thousands of people dead and nobody is doin’ nothin’” Other sources say that the people on the freeway have resorted to eating their young. Still others said, “It’s the bloodiest thing I’ve ever seen. I’ll never be able to sleep again as long as I live.” Many poor people did not have the money to get off the freeway and spent days stranded on the roofs of their cars. NPR: Five young men, in five cars, slammed into each other by accident. The young men were screaming, “We will kill everyone with the explosives we have in our cars!. Allahu Akbar.” NPR believes these young men may have been fundamentalist Christians.
Yes, I know: It can be overwhelming. When you look at the quality of reporting out there, it’s easy to look at all of this and say, “I’m not worthy.” Remember: Apply for a job as a cub reporter. Work hard. Write those stories, and one day – yes, maybe one day – you’ll be able to have an official opinion. What do you think? What am I saying? You’re not a professional. What do I care what you think? 26 Responses To "Don't worry: You'll have an opinion some day."
I wrote an article on school lunches that was posted in my high school newspaper once, so that gives me enough credentials to post my opinion in saying that was a freaking funny synopsis RWD! Am I First??? #1 - Posted by: shimauma on March 28, 2006 12:44 PMi know its George Bush's fault that i spewed Dr. Pepper all over my laptop while reading this. Oh and 2nd!! #2 - Posted by: dan on March 28, 2006 12:59 PMAside from being first the only thing I would suggest you could add to your article to *really* make it media worthy is one of those corner photos of yourself looking thoughtful, like FranKj's got on his op/ed's. I don't know if you want to go black and white or colored like Molly with a simpering smile on her snotty face...whatever works for you. Still First! #3 - Posted by: shimauma on March 28, 2006 01:01 PMIMAO: Five cars collided today on Highway 128.....buncha dumbasses! IMAO is George Bush's fault. #4 - Posted by: Bombtruck on March 28, 2006 01:02 PMARRGGGGH Not Still First!!! third/fourth...damn photo opinion, why did I POST IT!!! #5 - Posted by: shimauma on March 28, 2006 01:03 PMEntertainment Tonight: " 'We're talking with Charlie Sheen. So, Charlie, what happened today on Route 128?' 'Well, Mary, Today, President BushChimpHitlerNazi ordered the military to stage a 25,000 car pileup on Route 128. This happened while I was on my way to film my show 2 1/2 men with the guys that play the 2 men. I couldn't hep but ask my brother, hey Emilio, didn't that wreck look like it was staged? Just then, some Border Patrol agent took Emilio out of my car and whisked him away. I thought they took him because they heard his name and thought he was an undocumented worker (since he hasn't worked in quite a while, I kinda understood). But someone else in the car said they took him because they heard he was doing another 'Mighty Ducks' movie. But, yeah, whatever happened, it was Bush's fault.' " #6 - Posted by: BigOrangeAxe on March 28, 2006 01:18 PMDon't forget the Michael Savage report: It appears there was a pile up of cars on the highway 120-something. I don't really care. This is not news. Now get your disgusting, hateful, moronic, stupid microphone out of my face! I had toast for breakfast today. #7 - Posted by: Andrew on March 28, 2006 01:23 PMI live near an expressway, can I create my own pileup to practise on opinions? I could gouge out my eyes and download a picture of Helen Thomas to cause the pileup. The roads are dry so the noise of screeching tires will be about all I could report on, I don't want to feel around if there's broken glass in the wreckage. #8 - Posted by: Mike S. on March 28, 2006 01:34 PMThat SF Chronicle piece almost made me blow chum! LOL! #9 - Posted by: mudshark on March 28, 2006 02:26 PM"Hat Tip" Do people actually wear hats anymore? And if they do, do they still tip them? Hey, since I was once a police officer and actually worked some five car pile-ups, does that give me the right to have opinion? I guess not seeing as how anytime cops shoot somebody the press always seems to know more about what happened than the police. Wel, even though you don't care, that was funny stuff. #11 - Posted by: fmragtops on March 28, 2006 02:40 PMSo is that how people in jouralist school learn? The professor takes them out to an intersection and waits for a five car pileup? Molly Ivins = Helen Thomas in drag #13 - Posted by: Master Shake on March 28, 2006 03:24 PMIt's not that you shouldn't have an opinion...just that...your opinion has no worth. And, sorry to say...it really doesn't. #14 - Posted by: on March 28, 2006 03:45 PMThat's exactly what I'm saying! Now go out there kiddies and cover some car crashes. Otherwise, you're not worthy in the eyes of Molly and the unnamed person who just posted. #15 - Posted by: RightWingDuck on March 28, 2006 03:51 PMBut yours does...? #16 - Posted by: AlanABQ on March 28, 2006 03:51 PMMolly Ivins = Helen Thomas in drag Hey Shake, I gotta hand it to ya. If you can tell which one of those two looks more female than the other, you truly have a keen eye. #17 - Posted by: BigOrangeAxe on March 28, 2006 03:54 PMBigOrangeAxe, I think Shake has must have special coverings over his retinas. I think mine are permanently scarred just from looking at one of them, much less trying to do a comparison. #18 - Posted by: vootie on March 28, 2006 04:34 PMWell, actually I may have gotten it backwards. I was pretty dehydrated when I posted, with the projectile vomiting and all. #19 - Posted by: Master Shake on March 28, 2006 04:51 PMYour opinion has no worth coming from a person that didn't leave his name...hmmm. How are we supposed to know if their opinion has worth? with no name, we don't know whether they are a professional or not. #20 - Posted by: fmragtops on March 28, 2006 04:57 PMAl Jazeera: A 5-car pileup on Route 128 this morning provides even more evidence of the vast worldwide Zionist Conspiracy. Among the dead was a 10 year old stinkin joo, who is now burning in hell, praise be allah. The pileup occurred during the evening prayers, did not take place in a cafe or theatre, and there were no busses involved. These factors are great insults to Islam and to the prophet muhammad, peace be unto him. In response, riots are schedules for early next week in front of American Embassies across the globe. We ask for some American journalists to cover the events so that we can have some beheadings in honor of allah. Death to Bush, and that great satan, America. #21 - Posted by: Shaun Woods on March 28, 2006 05:39 PMEvery time I hear about Molly Ivins I think of the cocktail named after her. I think that's how she gets her oh-so erudite opinions. #22 - Posted by: Veeshir on March 29, 2006 09:21 AMHoward Dean: There was a 5 car pileup on hwy 128 today..1 car was going to California..1 was going to Ohio..another to Michigan a yugo headed to Vermont and the last one was going to Washington D.C!! As we speak, John McCain is busily planning his just-scheduled interviews to demand that Congress and the Senate back his new "No More 5-Car Pile-Ups" legislation. I would be in favor of creating a home for delusional elderly journalists. There would be one iron clad rule however. Post a comment
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