Hello, this is Dr. Duck.

I am so glad I have this segment to help you, our dear readers, come through the tough times and confusion you are facing. Here are the answers to the questions that haunted your ever so crazy minds,

Dear Dr. R.W. Duck,
I just recently moved from Niagara Falls, NY to Melbourne, Fl. Why? I also wanted to know if you are related to Turban Duck, and if so, why does he keep getting sucked into turbines? Will he never learn?

Posted by Mike

Moving from Niagra Falls to Melbourne FL is a good move. It means you spend fewer days inside the barrell. As far as Turban Duck, I've never met the guy. I can understand the confusion, Mexican and Middle Eastern Ducks can look alike.

So your girlfriend might be dating someone else? Or not dating you Or both. That's okay, I had the same thing happen to me. When I was younger,there was this girl I was crazy about. She'd never talk to me. She'd never look at me. Eventually, she met someone, married and they had three kids.

I think she's playing hard to get.

Hang in there, you just never know what's going to happen.

**

Why do I have to drink responsibly? I mean, isn't it alcohol's main purpose to make me behave irresponsibly?
Posted by Veeshir at March 29, 2006 11:20 AM

I said DRINK responsibly – not ACT responsibly.

Drinking responsibly means not spilling, not letting the foam get out of control. And if you’re married it means using a coaster.

**

Dear Doctor Duck,
I am a right wing frenchman. Am I normal? Plus, what can I do to stop those lazy ass student to trash whatever it is they touch?
Thank you.
Posted by Frenchy

I was thinking about that the other day. I was watching the French riots. If you’re like me, you’re losing track of who the French are surrendering to these days. Is it the Germans? The Muslims? The Girl Scouts?

Then in one riot picture, I saw a French Policeman (Known as a Gende-Germ) whacking the crap out of a protestor with a baton. Frenchy, that could be YOU one day wielding that baton. So, yes there is hope for you. Remember to put your shoulder into it.

**

Dr. Duck,
Sometimes I see people still with their bumper stickers that say "Kerry 2004" or "Gore 2000". Is it wrong for me to run them off the side of the road?
Posted by Algo

You must be considerate: many times the bumper stickers are the only thing holding the car together. Also, the possibility exists that you could run them off a road and right into a hitchhiker on the side of the highway. That’s what we call a Two-fer!!

**

Al Gore claims that Love Story was based on his real life experience. Do you think that Brokeback Mountain is based on the true lives of Al Franken and Chris Matthews?
Posted by Ron Rockstar

No, only if Brokeback focused the story more on the sheep.

**

Dear Dr. Duck,
I will be going to Paris next year for a study-abroad program. What can I do to minimize my chances of getting caught in a riot of lazy students?
Posted by Ann

By definition you can't get caught in a riot of lazy students. You always have advance warning.

French Kid #1: I feel like rioting.
French Kid #2: (playing a video game) Later, man.
French Kid #1. I feel like rioting.
French Kid #2: (playing video game) Fine, we'll get around to it. Now let me play. I'm pretty close to surrendering.

Eventually, they get up, grab a snack, scratch themselves, then go out. By that time, you made your way out of there and into the safety of -- well, they're French, so technically you were never in any danger.
**

Dear Dr. Duck,
Why have we seen no new pictures of Rowdi since that mysterious bleg for legal help a couple weeks ago? We all know only one lawyer reads IMAO and I can't be the only one concerned for her non-blendedness.
Posted by kross

Are you implying that the Puppy Blender somehow takes puppies and blends them? That could be possible. Glenn likes his puppies like Clinton liked his interns: young and plump. However, Rowdi is safe, I assure you. If something HAD happened we would have immediately notifed David Gregory.

**

Dear Dr. Duck,
Where can I get one of those Ann Coulter dolls that that silly Sean Penn is abusing?
Not that *I* want to abuse it too.... at least not in a hatefull way.....
Posted by cwchute

You can get them at Ann Coulter.com. She sells life size version dolls. She is sooooo Republican.
Get the hypoallergenic one because the other one will give your skin a rash.
Or so, I’m told. Er.

Um.

Next Question:

Dear Dr. Duck,
Do Venezuelan Ducks also fly south for the winter?
Posted by NorthofTheMissisissippi

Yes, they fly to South Venezuela.

**

Hiya Doc,
Why don't the pro-war people have marches and such? Are they lazy?
A follow-up: What is keeping us out of so many wars these days? We're hardly in any right now. Why, if Patton were still around, our soldiers would be playing Day-O on bongos made out of Kim Jong-Ils buttocks and Rafsanjani's gravitas. Global War on Terror, my eye. More like the neighborhood watch.
Of course, if Patton were around right now, the irony of making North Korea less safe for pirated DVDs of 1971's Oscar Winner "Patton" would, I am certain, not be lost on him.
Posted by 1 tsp Grated Lemon Peel

Pro War people do have marches. They're called Invasions.

As far as wars go: the taxpayers like to only have one at a time. Otherwise they start to nag.

President Bush: I'd like to invade another country.
Taxpayer: What did you do with the LAST country we let you invade?
President: (Looking sheepish) I think it's still around. I still play with it!
Taxpayer: No new wars until you take the current one seriously.
President: Well, can I have an ice cream cone?

**
Dr. Duck,
I recently converted to the Jewish faith, and now I’m considering voting for the Democrats, i am just wondering if that is normal. I mean I know most democrats are Jew hate terrorists.
Posted by tek

Tek, as a recent convert to the Jewish faith what you are experiencing is a perfectly normal reaction. You'll have the urge to vote Democrat for at least a few days after “getting snipped.” Try not to bump into things and if you lose control – try thinking about baseball or Helen Thomas.

**
Dear Dr. Duck,
My boyfriend is conservative but he dresses like a hippy. Is this the beginning of a downward fall into liberal oblivion, or is he just weird?
Posted by Celeste

It’s okay to wear one or two pieces of hippie accessories such as sandals or one day of not showering. However, you need to be careful that he doesn’t go over the edge. Feel him out by asking him about this true feelings.

Try these questions: Honey, I’m going to bring you your sandals. Do you want the firm red ones or the floppy Bush lied people died blue ones? Wait for a reaction. If he chooses red, then he’s probably okay. If blue, then you could probably stay with him but you’d have to deal with his boyfriend.

**
So let's see, as a veteran of the New Math, I figure after all the rebates you own me a buck six fifty for asking this question. Will that be Canadian, or real money?
Posted by jim b at March 29, 2006 03:55 PM

You’re right. Did you keep the receipts?

**

Esteemed Dr. Duck,
If a person is seriously injured but in a comical way, how long should I wait before making fun of him/her? Should I wait until after the skin grafts have set?
Posted by Chris

What kind of accident was this that left your friend a him/her? Did her convert to the Jewish faith? Is he thinking about voting Democrat?

Just kidding. This reminds me of my best friend: Jimmy Horribly Mauled By A Pack of Wolves Garcia. He got that name because he fell down the stairs and into a pile of rose bushes.. hahahahahahaha. I laugh just thinking about it. Anyway,, ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Ah. Good memories.

Besides, the skin grafts might not take. You should make fun of him/her right now. Remember to stop and smell the rose bushes.

Rose bushes! hahahahahahahahaha. Yup. Good times.

**

If/when bird flu gets to the U.S.,can we put you in a plastic bubble so as not to lose any of IMAO's funny? What would we put in it with you to make it worth your while? (Besides any of my money).
Posted by DohXs

Money. Money. Money.

Why won’t people give us any money?

Anyway, one day the Bird Flu much like Mad Cow disease, SARS, and Clay Aiken Music will cause all of humanity to die horrible painful deaths. In the meantime you should focus your time on the things that matter, like being with your family, giving them flowers and gifts – like things from our IMAO store. Did you know that I have my own t-shirt?

**
Dear Dr. Duck:
Apparently four unknowns have somehow snuck themselves into the NCAA's Final Four, thus screwing up everyone's tournament predictions.
Can we all agree that this is Bush's fault?
Posted by El Santo

I don't always follow basketball, but that DOES explain the confused announcers over these unknows.

First Announcer: Welcome to NCAA basketball. The teams are taking the court.
Second Announcer: Who the hell are those guys?
First announcer: Huh? Idunno.

**

Dear Dr. Duck,
Chicken or fish?
Posted by Undercover Hippie

Chicken please. With a side order of mashed potatoes. And make it snappy or I'll replace you with a Mexican who'll do the work you won't do!!

**

Dr. Duck,
Who would ya do?
A) Hillary Clinton
B) Barbra Streisand
C) Helen Thomas
D) TV's Fred Savage
Posted by Son of Bob

This is a tough choice? Do I choose one of the ladies: or one of the guys? I'll have to think about that.

**

Dear Dr. Duck
Can you think of any good questions for me to ask you? I'm out of ideas at the moment.
In other words, what is the question you have been dying for somebody to ask you?
Posted by SilverBubble

I’m sorry. I don’t do Self Help.

**

Dear Doc Duck Dude,
I am going to Gulfport at the end of April to do some hurricane relief. Since I'll be crossing Alabama, would you tell me where to find Spacemonkey's trailer so I can shoot him in the face?
Posted by motopolitico

That’s a great joke for those who listen to our podcast. Anway, you can’t miss it. It has monkey vines all around it, and a time machine parked in the driveway.

**

How can I convince my silly Democrat-supporting highschool friends that they are completely wrong?
Posted by brandEn

You COULD convince your friend that they’re wrong. You’d have to line up your facts, make a movie, and show it to them in a private but safe screening environment. Of course, the movie would only have credibility if the plot involved gay people. If you want to touch Democrats, you need lots of gay porn.

**

dr. duck,
how many licks does it take a democrat to get to the middle of a tootsie roll pop? republican? libertarian?
Posted by dan

How many licks does it take a Democrat to get to the middle of a tootsie roll pop? Seven.

A Republican? I don’t know how many licks it takes a Democrat to get to the center of a Republican. We haven’t had the scandal yet.

**

That's all the help I can give folks. I'm only one person with multiple personalities.

Until next time, this is Dr. Duck saying: I want to know what you feel, I care about you, and the IMAO Store is Open .

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