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April 11, 2006
Know Thy Enemy: Passover
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:55 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (22)

Unlike "normal" holidays, Passover sneaks around the calendar and then shows up to distract us from our all-important Easter shopping. This obviously presents a threat to American society and our economy. Thus, I sent my crack research team to find out all they could about Passover.

  • The terms "Passover" and "Pesach" are used interchangeably to allow recording artists ample opportunity to find words that rhyme with the holiday.

  • One should not confuse the 15th day of Nissan in the Jewish calendar with the 15th day of owning a Nissan, when the customer usually brings the car back for its first of many "unexpected" repairs.

  • Of all the Plagues, historians consider "Frogs" to be more of a nuisance than a Plague. Unless "Frogs" is a mis-translation, of course, and it actually refers to a plague of Frenchmen. That would be worse than all other plagues combined.

  • Jews are not allowed to eat, own, or lease with an option to buy unleavened bread during this time. This results in a glut in the secondhand leavened bread market, putting thousands of bakers out of work.

  • Have you seen how cheap croutons are these days? Wow!

  • According to the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, the blood of Christian children is used in the making of matzoh, or the unleavened bread used in Passover rituals. However, like many best-sellers on the New York Times list written by their own columnists, the Protocols of the Elders of Zion just happens to be full of crap.

  • (If your children go missing, ask the Baron Von Bombast of Vulgaria where they went.)

  • During the Passover ceremony, Jews read from a book called the Haggadah, which contains the texts for the seder as well as the things you should shout out while sitting on the toilet for hours, blocked up from eating too much matzoh.

  • Looking for a Seder? Try the International Seder Directory. Or, if you're in a hurry, your grocer's freezer section for a Swansons Microwaveable Seder. (They tend to keep them hidden to avoid angering Muslims, so insist that you're not a Muslim and that you want one.)

  • The name of The Almighty is often written as G-d or L-rd because it costs extra to buy a vowel from Vanna, and Jews are notoriously cheap.

  • Matisyahu rocks, man.

  • Jews make lousy slaves. Nobody trusts an enslaved plastic surgeon. What kind of idiot says "Here, slave, have a sharp object and then cut me up while I'm unconscious."

  • Okay, besides Joan Rivers.

  • The phrase "Why is this night different from other nights?" refers to the extended stay of Jews in Miami Beach, where every night 78 degrees and has a 10 percent chance of precipitation.

  • In a fight between Moses and Aquaman, Moses would win. Because Moses would turn the rivers to blood, rendering Aquaman without water and powerless.

  • Then he'd smite him with his staff.

  • The ceremony starts with the Kaddesh, or the ritual blessing and drinking of wine. Repeat as often as necessary until you're sufficiently blessed out of your mind.

  • The rest of the ceremony should be a blur. Blessings breakings, vegetables, bitter herbs - who needs it? You're just going to stop by Wendy's on the way home, anyway. If you recover any amount of lucidity, you didn't Kaddesh yourself enough. (Tip: bring a flask)

  • Jews will hide the last piece of matzoh and call it the "afikomen" which translates to "It's either this or let it go stale while taking up a lot of room in the pantry. It tasted so bad fresh, can you imagine how awful it will be stale?" The kids are then sent out of the room to go find the afikomen while the parents argue over who's paying the bill.

  • The blessing "Next year in Jerusalem." is obviously a Zionist plot to take over the world. Especially when you consider that Jews already in Jerusalem use the blessing "Okay, we're in Jerusalem. Nice. How about next year we take over the entire world?"

So have a safe Passover, and watch out for Kaddeshed drivers.

Rating: 2.3/5 (34 votes cast)

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